Last week was a hell of a long and tough week for me at work. On Friday afternoon, I was so glad to be able to come home and sit on my patio with a glass of wine and the latest issue of Marie Claire magazine (PS, how PRETTY is Jessica Simpson?). Alas, my reverie was interrupted when I turned to page 62 and saw this.
(Click to see the full horror, including the WTF-inducing copy.)
I mean. Is somebody kidding? Is it April Fool's again and I didn't notice? Because that is the only plausible explanation I could come up with. This is not a feature about a cute bathing suit for your summer vacation, nor is it even attempting to pretend that the bikini bottoms (BIKINI BOTTOMS) are shorts. Nope. They genuinely think you should be wearing blazers, stilettos and HALF A BATHING SUIT out in public.
Doesn't Nina Garcia work at Marie Claire? Do you really expect me to believe that this fierce bitch wants women to be parading around the streets of this country half-naked? Because I don't.
And also! I don't care how many shiny magazines tell you it's a good idea, or how many fancy celebrities have embraced it, TIGHTS ARE NOT PANTS. And if Blair Waldorf says it, it is probably gospel. (In the future, these may come in handy. Keep 'em in your wallet!) People. Don't Humiliate Yourself For Fashion.
If it looks gorgeous on the hanger or fab on your coworker, but not so great on you? That is okay! I bought a pair of shoes today that I think are completely adorable, and also very trendy, but the longer I wore them in front of the mirror at home, the more I realized how unflattering they are on me. Just because it's at Mod Cloth (ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS) or H&M (remind me to tell you the story of the Sad 80s Corner that Brownie and I discovered when we went shopping last fall) doesn't mean it's automatically cute. Just because 7 For All Mankind is an upscale designer denim brand doesn't mean you should drop $180 for these. Please oh please remember, especially you kids out there, that we old people lived through the bad fashion of the 80s and 90s so that YOU don't have to.
(Sidebar: Why are they bringing all the terrible 90s fashion back? Where are the babydoll dresses and the Doc Martens and the girls taking style tips from Angela Chase, Rayanne Graf and Courtney Love? Why ACID WASH and TAPERED LEGS and whatever the hell this is??)
So this spring, as you're hitting the stores to get ready for the next few months of sunshine (or winter, for our upside-down readers), take a moment and think. Is this flattering on me? (You can go up a size and no one will know, we promise.) Will I wear this more than once? Is this the grown-up size of that outfit I wore for Easter in 1992? Am I only considering this because it's "trendy"? If the answers to those questions are No, No, Yes, and Yes, just stop, think about how much more fun it is to be comfortable and look like a normal person, and don't buy into that terrible trend.