Friday, August 6, 2010

Don't Forget To Enjoy Your Summer!

Happy Friday, y'all! If there is any justice, you've already left your office and will be reading this...sometime in the future.

As you may have noticed, we've been a bit light on the posting the last couple of weeks. I think summer - and Big Things In Life - have eaten our brains a bit, and so we are going to officially take a brief summer vacation. We'll be off next week, recharging our creative juices (and mixing a whole bunch of other metaphors), and will be back Monday the 16th, bright-eyed, bushy-tailed, and as full of opinions as ever.

In the meantime, feel free to peruse our older posts and if you have questions, comments, post suggestions, or just a link to share, hit us up on Facebook or Twitter, or shoot us an email. (Links to all those fun things are to your right.) If you're really jonesing for new content, all our favorite blogs are also linked on the right, and they are all full of wit, wisdom and sometimes, if you're really lucky, poop jokes.

Thanks for being so awesome, and we'll see you in a week!

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Tuesday Quickies: Hide your Wife edition

Don't try to pretend that Antoine Dodson isn't hilarious. Attempted rape is not funny, but his response is glorious. As is the remix, which made me laugh so hard actual tears came to my eyes. And please, follow the guy on Twitter.

All of us like biblical names here, but don't name your baby Job.

Don't go through life without knowing these things. Stuff no one told me.

Don't leave your office vulnerable to foil wielding students. Professor returns from vacation, gets "foiled."

Don't leave your glove vulnerable to zombie popstars. It's my glove now.

I have a number of friends who have coffee names but luckily they memorize it...and haven't had to deal with running into Starbucks employees outside of the shop and having to respond to the wrong name. Don't like dealing with spelling your name all the time? Use a coffee name. And please, make it an awesome one like Batman. But then, don't forget it, or your coffee will get cold.

Don't look at this if Darth Vader gave you nightmares as a child. But if you love Star Wars, you'll think that this is AWESOME.

And don't look at this if you're vegan. Charlotte's Web is my favorite, I think.

Don't look at this if you hate tattoos. You know, people like Daisy's mother. And, um, Brownie.

Have a good Tuesday, everyone. Hide yo kids, hide yo wife!

Monday, August 2, 2010

A Potluck of Don'ts

(Photo for the five of you who claimed to be interested in my rugs, bless your hearts.)

Well, I still have nothing to talk about besides the baby and the house. So have some miscellaneous Don'ts from my week:

  • Don't comment on my baby weight then hand me a plate of brownies, MOM. (aka "The sort of shit I spend hours praying I won't do to my daughter.")

  • Don't count a visit to your parents as a vacation. It really, really isn't.

  • Don't try to convince me that letting me take a shower counts as watching the baby. Especially when you hand her back to me while I'm still wearing a towel.

  • Don't get between the cat and a moth.

  • Don't think too much about how excited you are to find a new flavor of YoBaby. It will make you feel sad about your life.

  • Don't laugh at the baby when she sticks the spoon in her hair instead of her mouth.

  • Don't put the margarita glasses in the yard sale box. You will start craving margaritas even though you and Jose Cuervo haven't been on speaking terms since the Great Tequila Tuesday Experience of '00.

  • Don't go to the internet for advice. In this case it's something baby-related, but I once called my doctor and said, "So I was reading on the internet," and she cut me off to say, "Oh my god, DON'T DO THAT." Sorry, Dr. S. You were right; I didn't have Venezuelan Hemorrhagic Fever.

  • Don't watch PBS Kids while your child is napping. It will also make you feel sad about your life. (Even though Word Girl is awesome.)

  • Don't go browsing on Etsy unless you're okay with finding something you love so much you must have it immediately. (Ahem.)

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Don't like the heat? Come to San Francisco

A typical view of the Golden Gate bridge in July.

All of you out there dying in the summer heat should book a plane ticket to San Francisco, where it is currently 59 degrees and overcast. Most of you are wearing light summer dresses and drinking iced coffee, and sitting under the air conditioner and fan to cool off. I'm drinking hot coffee, wearing a jacket and scarf, and had my electric blanket on last night. We're in the middle of the coldest summer in 40 years here.

Not that I'm complaining, mind you. Okay, not that I'm complaining TOO much. I've lived through summers on the East Coast, including four summers in Washington DC and one in New York, so I know the pain of being drenched in sweat as soon as you walk out the door and just giving up on your hair ever looking attractive from July through Labor Day. Don't get me wrong, I don't miss that.

I do kind of miss the warm nights, though. And going to the beach with friends on the weekend and actually wearing a swimsuit and going in the water and not being huddled up in a blanket and praying for the sun to come out. And actually needing my sunglasses to shield my eyes from the sun and not as just an accessory. Those of you who need that for the summer? You probably shouldn't come to San Francisco.

Those of you who need a break from the heat, or are coming to visit to experience the great food, beautiful views, and fantastic wine of the Bay Area take note. Pack your jeans and bring a few sweaters, because otherwise you'll be some of those tourists that we all make fun of in their identical San Francisco sweatshirts (they make a killing on those because none of the tourists are prepared for needing a sweatshirt here).

And pssst, don't tell anyone, but the best time of year to come here is September and October, that's when the sun actually comes out.

Monday, July 26, 2010

Don't Get Boring

Subtitle: No One Cares About Your Sconces.

And yet, I really, really want to tell you about my sconces. And my storage ottoman. And how I want to restore the inlaid table my husband's grandparents brought over from Damascus and put it in the dining room. Yes, I have a raging case of new-homowner-itis. I feel bad about my newfound obsession with interior decorating, because, really, it's not that interesting to anyone who doesn't live in my house. But I can't stop talking about it.

These days I feel like half of my brain is occupied by the house and the other half by the baby, making me the least interesting conversationalist in the world. Like, I'm pretty sure I used to have interests. I just can't remember what they were. For example, two years ago I was at ComicCon. Last year I kept up with all the news as it was posted. This year I'm like, Oh, there's an Avengers movie?

Being dull has its advantages, though. I'm completely unspoiled for Inception. Maybe I won't get upset about stupid beauty trends anymore because I won't know they exist. And I'm pleased to say that I still can't tell the Kardashian sisters apart.

Someday I'll renew my ability to make entertaining small talk. Probably around 2024. In the meantime, would you like to hear about my new rugs?

Friday, July 23, 2010

Don't Start Drinking Before Noon

The title is just a note to myself. You guys can start drinking whenever you want. Anyway, y'all may have noticed that we've been slacking a little bit this week. Roxy and Brownie have been slammed at work and Daisy moved at the same time Baby Razor was busy cutting her first tooth. Basically, we're having the crappiest summer vacation ever.

So in lieu of actual content, have an actual conversation between Daisy and Mister Razor from earlier this week:

"So I was reading an article in the New York times about the strain put on a marriage when a spouse has ADHD, and I thought, well, that's all well and good, but what about when both spouses have it?"

"That sounds interesting. What did it say you should do?"

"Um, I didn't finish reading it."

"Is that a joke?"

"Sadly, no. But I bookmarked it! I'll send you the link. Maybe between the two of us we can finish it."

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Thursday quickies: Hilarity edition

Things that made us laugh this week:

Don't have a good bar in your town? This guy could help: Homeless guy breaks into a closed bar and reopens it with beer from the supermarket.

Don't argue with a goat, you'll lose: Even in a language that I don't speak, this is delightful.

Don't forget the videocamera when you do funny things like this with your babies: Seriously, I could watch these babies making faces all day long.

Don't be that guy (or girl) in your fantasy football league: Guy goes to a fantasy draft with a list of players from 2005.

Don't forget about The Onion, people: People believe crazy video from 2007 about a zombie invasion. Seriously. We have to laugh or we'd cry at some of the racist comments here.

Don't think that here are a million things to do with peanut butter? Read this guy: The Peanut Butter Boy.

Don't like your hotel? You could stay here: The ugliest motel in the world.

Don't try this at home: The Swedish Chef makes popcorn shrimp (sort of).

Don't believe babies are brilliant? Well, first, you've obviously never met Daisy's baby. The superpowers we all had as babies.

I don't care that this has been everywhere, because it is fantastic: Star Wars reenacted on a subway car. I love the behind the scenes stuff too.

Monday, July 19, 2010

Don't Grow Up

While there are lots of great things about being an adult (wine, sex, no curfew, True Blood), there are also a lot of things about being an adult that, quite simply, blow.

Think it’s great to get a real paycheck? Too bad most of it goes to boring old bills.

You can drive now? Don’t forget that you also have to pay for insurance, instead of just raising the rate on your parents’.

You can drink legally? Have fun with that monster hangover.

And that job that gives you that real paycheck? Can often be way more of a pain in the ass than school used to be. I spent half my weekend preparing for about the most stressful thing my career can throw at me. I’ve also already been in my office for two hours this morning and I’m planning on completely losing my evenings this week...I don’t remember English being this much trouble.

So kids, I know that being a grown-up sounds excellent. But take it from me - and from Peter - and Don’t Grow Up.

Friday, July 16, 2010

Don't Be Lebron James

Back in April, Brownie taught us all how not to be Brett Favre. Short version? Don’t screw over your team in the offseason, just because you’re a little crazy and very selfish. The last line was the following:

And the next person out there who is thinking about acting like this? You don't be Brett Favre either.

Well, it would appear that a certain enormously famous basketball player has a short memory, as last week we found ourselves in the middle of what my Lebron-defending, Cavs-loving friend has called, “The worst thing in the history of professional sports.”

I’m not sure that’s quite true, but we’ve mentioned before that hyperbole and melodrama is part of the fun of being a sports fan, so we’ll let it slide. What I am sure about, however, is that it has been a complete disaster on so very many levels.

Lebronfires! Booing! One million words by Bill Simmons, even before The Decision!

And, of course, one of the most amazing Open Letters ever, complete with Comic Sans (the text is here - for the full effect, copy and paste it into Word and then change the font).

While all of this may be entertaining for those of us who are removed from it, it doesn't take away the bottom line: Lebron publically and elaborately screwed an organization that put seven years and countless millions of dollars behind him, not to mention his hometown, because he wanted something shiny and he wanted it now, and he did it in the ugliest way possible. What did he think that his actions were going to say to people? What kind of example does he think he's setting? And WHY did his advisors let him do this? Remember - Lebron is 25 years old and has been in the NBA since he was 18, so his view of reality is, shall we say, a bit skewed. But where were they? "They're all young, too!" is not an excuse - I am the same age as his oldest advisor, and I am well aware that this was a fuck-up of monumental proportions.

Believe me, the sports-trainwreck-lover in me is getting a huge kick out of this. I love the The Decision parody at the Espys (Steve Carell and Paul Rudd can basically do no wrong, and it redeemed ESPN a bit), and I love headlines like this. But Cavs fans are less amused, and with good reason.

My friend says this:

I was prepared for disappointment, but...just the way he handled it...if he had announced he was going to Chicago in a normal way, I would have understood. I would be sad, but not hateful. But going to Miami is so dumb, and a 1-hour special is the worst thing in the history of professional sports. Someone called it a cringefest, I can't remember who. Terribly accurate.

I think that's the point here. Even his staunchest defenders weren't really expecting him to stay in Cleveland. But they also weren't expecting to be dumped on national television, for Lebron to prove them all so very wrong so very loudly.

So hey, the next time you're thinking of fucking someone over - your boyfriend, your boss, your sports franchise - just stop. Think about a slightly less douchey way to do it, and don't be Lebron James.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Ultimate Pantyhose Don'ts Edition

Chris Pine and NO
Chris Pine and a woman dressed as a Don't, via ONTD

Of the things that Daisy, Roxy and I thought would happen when we started this blog, I would say “Become internet source for pantyhose questions” would be far far down the list. And yet our two posts about hosiery we thought would be uncontroversial and obvious to the rest of the world, and they turned out to be anything but. And then, we started noticing with a mixture of amazement, horror, and hilarity that we were getting a whole lot of hosiery related searches bringing people to Don’t Do That. Below are just some of the actual searches that we got, with (because we are here to serve) our answers:

Can you wear pantyhose with open toed shoes?
How many times do we need to say this? NO.

Nice summer shoes that aren't open toed?
Excellent question! I am a big fan of the ballet flat, and I really love the ones from London Sole -- they’re a little pricey, but they fit great, they’re comfortable, they come in a lot of adorable styles, and they often have sales. But there are lots of other ballet flat options, like these darling Kate Spade ones, these cute star ones, and these embellished ones. You could also go with espadrilles, like these, some nice slingbacks like these, or something in a nice summery color, like these.

What do you do if you have ugly legs, can you wear pantyhose?
I don’t even know where to start with this one.
No, actually, I do: one disturbing theme that showed up in some of the pantyhose related comments and many of the searches is a big level of body hatred. People think their own legs are ugly, or someone else's legs are ugly, and are looking for ways to hide themselves (or other people) behind clothes. People, pantyhose may be your security blanket for facing the world, but there's really no difference between what your legs look like bare and what they look like encased in sheer nylon, except they're shinier. Put down the shiny and easily torn blanket, embrace an exfoliator, and learn to love your legs.

Can you wear open toed shoes to work?
Well, this depends on your workplace. I live and work in California, and even though I work in a relatively conservative industry, everyone I know wears open toed shoes to work except on a very formal occasion. In more conservatively dressed places in the US or the world, maybe not. The best rule of thumb here is to not wear them at first, and see what the other women in your office do. Don't wear them to court, don't wear them if you work in the Pentagon, don't wear them to a professional job interview. And when you do wear them to work, please make sure your toenails are well groomed.

Do you wear pantyhose to a summer wedding? (Note, we get versions of this one repeatedly)
Again, this depends on where you live -- I never would, especially if I'm wearing a summery wedding appropriate dress, but if you live in the South and your grandmother would swoon if you showed up without hose, then you might. But then again, if you live in the South, it’s probably in the 90s during any summer wedding, and so you may die from heat during the wedding and do you really want the bride to have to deal with your heatstroke during her wedding? I don’t think so.

Pantyhose feet wedding
Elephant nose commencement!
...dude, I don’t even know.

Why don't women wear white tights?
Because they make women look like they’re trying to look like a little girl on Easter Sunday. They also make your legs look stumpy, and make any shoes look ugly.

Where can I wear white pantyhose?

I get blisters when I don't wear hose, how do I solve that?
I am glad that you asked! Our commenter eee discussed this in the comments of the last pantyhose post, and we thank her for her wisdom. She told us of her great luck with the Band Aid Blister Block (you can get a coupon on their website right now!), and then while looking it up to try to buy some for myself a few weeks ago, I discovered that Dr. Scholl’s also makes a similar product, Dr. Scholl’s Blister Defense Stick. I bought the Dr. Scholl’s one in my locak drugstore, and in the interests of science, tested it out with some of my shoes that always give me blisters. And lo, it worked! I am a convert.

I hate white tights on women (so do we, so do we)
But how do you feel about them on men? We may have a fellow who'd like to meet you...

My husband wears pantyhoses
We're okay with this, as long as he isn't wearing them with open toed shoes.
(note, this searcher should get together with the searcher from this morning who was looking for something related to pantyhose husband "must wear".)

Do women like men who wear pantyhose?
We're sure some do. But while we believe there's someone out there for everyone, you probably shouldn't mention it on the first date.

Should you wear pantyhose with open toe booties in winter?
You should not wear either of these things in any season.

Can I wear opaque pantyhose with sandals?

Do I wear pantyhose with peep toe shoes at my wedding?

Sarah Palin pantyhose

Fat pantyhose ladies
Daisy says: At first I thought this referred to ladies made of pantyhose, but maybe it's actually a search for plus-size hose? With the 'ladies' tacked on to differentiate form the men's pantyhose?

As for me, this search just makes me laugh and laugh. Sometimes I think of it in the middle of the day and laugh.

Are pantyhose and open toed shoes back in?

Should you wear hose with open toe shoes at weddings?

dirty pantyhose feet
Daisy likes this one, because her tights get discolored from the soles of my shoes, and she doesn't know how to fix it. Readers, any suggestions?

wearing pantyhose for running
Go for it, as long as your sneakers aren't open toed.

Do you wear white pantyhose with all white?
Not unless you are a nurse in the 1950s.

shrunken men lost in pantyhose
We don't want to know. No seriously. Please don't tell us.

Do professional women still wear pantyhose in Chicago?
Winner for most specific search ever! Though I think that the answer is yes to this, because I have a friend who worked in Chicago a few years ago where they were required to wear hose in the summer even when it was unbearably hot. Chicago readers, please tell us if that’s not true.

Women who wear pantyhose when it's hot outside
Was this supposed to end with “...are INSANE!”? Look, it is the middle of July, and in many places that means it's hot as hell. Why would anyone voluntarily wear pantyhose in the extreme heat? It doesn't make you look more put together, and it certainly doesn't make your legs look better, it just makes you look sadly behind the times and that you will need to stand under an air conditioner all day to recover from your brief time outside.

Readers, do you have any other hosiery related questions for us? Even if you don't tell us, we'll see your questions turn up in searches soon, so we're glad to help. We are not pantyhose (wow, that word has lost all meaning now) haters here, we just think that there is a distinct time and a place for them, and that time and place is never when wearing open toed shoes (or, for that matter, shorts -- another thing that we thought we'd never have to say).

Belated note to all of the creepy creepy pantyhose fetishists who keep commenting anonymously to this year+ old post: All of your creepy comments make it less, not more, likely that anyone will ever wear pantyhose again. So keep at it, creepy dudes who like pantyhose, you're doing our work for us!