I Don't Care That It's Photoshopped...

This is the awesomest picture I've seen this year:



(It didn't even occur to me that this was 'shopped, by the way. Even though I was sitting there going, "Why were they watching soccer around a conference table? On a Saturday afternoon? In suits?" I finally decided maybe they were in the middle of a meeting about whether or not we're allowed to nuke BP headquarters and the Beckham!face was part of the Powerpoint presentation.)

Don't Buy Cosmo Just Because You Like The Cover Girl

So I have this problem. And by "problem," I mean girlcrush, and by "girlcrush," I mean I am crushed with INSANE LUST. Her name is Pink, and she's just about the hottest, most talented, most badass, most adorable and hilarious (follow her on Twitter!) celebrity on Earth. I adore her. I simultaneously want to be her best friend and also sleep with her. I am far too invested in her relationship with her equally adorable (and lustworthy) husband - I was unreasonably happy when they got back together, and I want them to live happily ever after, riding their bikes and mocking each other for all eternity. And all this is not even to mention her music, which is so good, and her voice, which is brilliant, even when she's hanging upside down. Her I'm Not Dead album got me through what was equally the best and worst year of my life - my soon-to-be-husband bought it for me during a two week hospital stay, and I listened to it nonstop on the beach during our honeymoon four months later. Basically, Pink rocks, and you should just bow down to her. You saw these performances, right? The Fug Girls have it dead on.

What you should NOT do? Buy the issue of Cosmopolitan that is currently on newsstands, no matter how effing hot she looks on the cover. (And y'all, she looks seriously effing hot.)

Here are some actual, genuine quotes from this gem of an issue.

"As much as we admire Angie [Jolie]'s ballsy attitude (or at least used to), the actress...has shown that she's willing to do whatever it takes to get the Mr. Smith she wants...and no wife - sorry Jen - is about to stop her."
(They KNOW that The Breakup was FIVE YEARS AGO, right? And that he was the married one?)

"So what is important? Well, it's hard as hell to figure out because no dude is going to outright articulate what he needs from you to be happy."

"...maintaining a sense of mystery is especially crucial as things become serious...TMI is not only a turnoff, but it also forces him to rethink his image of you as a strong, sexy woman."
(BTW, their definition of TMI includes sharing that you have to pee and mentioning your waxing appointment. Strong and sexy women don't need to pee or maintain their brows!)

Plus, an article about why men heart skanks (name-dropping specific celebs and mistresses, then referring to them as "trashy chicks" and "low-rent floozies," glossing over the fact that the guys those mistresses were sleeping with were the married ones...sensing a pattern?), a charming few pages about How To Make A Man Commit (full of great blanket statements like, "Men want someone fun - plain and simple" and "He doesn't want to see you in sweatpants three nights in a row," which means that I'm pretty sure my husband's going to be filing for divorce any second now), a You, Even Better feature reminding you that your new husband won't love you if you gain the 21 pounds that the average woman gains after she gets married (apparently he'll "feel freaked" and decide you don't care about him anymore), and a full page of people taking pictures of strangers and sending them to the magazine, bitching about their terrible clothes or accessories.

And seriously, EVERY SINGLE ITEM relates back to sex in some way. Even if you save some money (Dates Under $10!) and go to the cheap carnival in your town, you should, according to Cosmo, then want to bone. And did you know they have PORN now? Seriously! Two pages of porn! When did Cosmo start swiping Penthouse's Letters leftovers?

(This is where we remind you not to take sex advice from Cosmo. No seriously. That has not changed in the last couple of months.)

When your magazine puts a strong, badass, unique talent like Pink on the cover, it would be nice if the content reflected some of those qualities. A two-page interview with one of the most individual and self-posessed celebrities out there does not make up for all the other garbage - encouraging readers to hide who they are, second-guess what they do, say, and wear, and to revolve everything in their life around getting, keeping and pleasing a man? When the magazine spends pages and pages telling you about how shitty and stupid men are? Something tells me that Pink would not approve of any of it.

So if you're wandering by the newsstand and you see her glaring out at you, looking fucking fierce, just stop, think about taking an extra five minutes to read the article while you're standing there, and then don't waste your money. Save your five bucks and get a few of her songs off iTunes. It won't make you feel shitty about yourself, I guarantee it.

Don't Miss In The Heights

What was the last Broadway show you saw? Actually, what's the last Broadway show you can NAME? Cats? Phantom? Les Miserables? Maybe even Rent? If those are your answers, I have a proposition for you. And that proposition is: Read this post.

For me, it all started with the 2008 Tony awards.

During the first hour, the cast of a show I've never heard of called In The Heights performs, since it's nominated for Best Musical. I find it intriguing and exciting, both musically and lyrically ("It's gettin' too darn hot/Like my man Cole Porter said" is pretty genius) and hey, isn't that the kid from Camp?? I love Camp! I therefore love this!

Then, a while later, the show wins Best Original Score, and this goofy looking dude, who is apparently also the star, gets up and gives the best acceptance speech I've ever seen. Complete with improvised Sondheim shout-out! Go ahead and watch it. I'll wait.

The next day at lunch, I went to the record store and bought the soundtrack and listened to it for days - okay fine, weeks - in a row. The story - about three days in the life of a Latin community in Washington Heights, Queens, New York - is, in many ways, far away from my own life. But the themes of home, family, love, belonging, loss and hope are themes that even the most cyncial person, living far from that world, can relate to. I loved it, and I was so bummed that I lived about seven states away from the Great White Way, the only opportunity I had to experience In The Heights in person. And so I did what any non-NYC-living Broadway freak would do: I turned to the internet.

Things like Legally Brown (Matthew Morrison appearance!) and Heights Cool Musical were discoveries that followed, and then, at Christmastime, there was this, and I was done. My enjoyment of the show was already through the roof, but my enjoyment of Lin-Manuel Miranda? Turned into slightly creepy stalker-y type adoration.

In 2009, Lin (we are clearly besties who are on a first name basis) worked with Stephen Sondheim on translating dialogue and lyrics from West Side Story into Spanish for the revival. He composes for and appears on the revival of The Electric Company. He won a Grammy and was a finalist for the Pulitzer for In The Heights. He was House's roommate. He left the show, with a wonderful final curtain call. He got engaged. He was part of this documentary that has been on my Tivo since May. He performed for the First Family. And he's going to Run This Tour.

(He also just turned 30.)

So that's the timeline of my slightly creepy obsession with Lin-Manuel Miranda. But what about the show? Why am I lecturing you about some random show that's far away from you in NYC?

Because, didn't you watch the Run This Tour video? THEY ARE ON TOUR. AND YOU SHOULD GO. Mr. Roxy and I had the privilege of seeing it TWICE when the show was in our city, and it was worth every penny and moment that we spent with it.

The tour cast, though maybe easy to dismiss, is phenomenal. The first night we saw it, four of the lead characters were played by their understudies. You'd generally think, especially with a tour cast, "Oh hell. Understudies." (When we saw Les Mis on tour a few years ago, we got stuck with understudy for Valjean. It was a rough few hours.) Not with this company. Every role, even those played by people who had never done it before, was pitch-perfect. We had two different understudies when we saw it the second time, and it was still just as wonderful.

If you think you don't like theatre, or that musicals are cheesy, or that there's nothing in this story that appeals to you or that you can relate to...well, you're wrong. And I'm sorry for being bossy, but isn't that the point of this whole endeavor? So when you see In The Heights roll through your town, just stop, think about how your life could use some culture - or just some dancing - and don't miss out.

(PS, I'm not getting anything for writing this post. I just love it, and you should trust me. Have I led you astray yet?)

Don't Click On This Link

Oh, you're thinking, this one of those reverse psychology things, right? She actually wants me to click the link.

No! I don't! I mean, look at the title:

Just Discovered: A Leech With Giant Teeth That Lives In Your Nose

A leech. With giant teeth. That LIVES IN YOUR NOSE.

A short scene:

Daisy: Clicks Ew. EW. EEEEEWWWWW. WHY DID AM I READING THIS?
Mr. Razor: What? Looks OH GOD, WHY ARE YOU READING THAT?
Daisy: I don't know!
Mr. Razor: Go back! Go back!

I'm not kidding. It's disgusting. And disturbing. Don't look.

Happy Friday, all!

Yes, Do That: Gabby Sidibe Edition

Full disclosure: This post has been in the topics queue since the very beginning. We here at Don't Do That have been nursing tremendous girlcrushes on Gabourey Sidibe for months, eating up every soundbite and giggly interview she's done throughout this awards season, while picking up accolade after award after prize for her performance in Precious: Based on the Novel 'Push' by Sapphire. And now that we've gotten through the Oscars and the awards overdose, today we are going to quit lecturing for a minute and simply tell you: Yes. Do Be As Awesome As Gabby Sidibe.

"I don't think my brand of confidence can come from an outside source. I have to find it in myself. I have two little sisters who are 13 and they're just at that age where they're about to hate themselves. I do it for them. They think I'm pretty, and I want them to think they're pretty." (Link)

By now, you probably know the story. Gabby, a New Yorker who was studying psychology and working as a receptionist, skipped class on a Monday and decided to go to an audition. By Wendesday, Lee Daniels had offered her the lead in his movie. What has followed is a whirlwind of fast fame - print interviews, photo shoots, TV appearances - for a woman who is far outside the Hollywood Box, and through it all she has maintained a demeanor that can only be described as delightful.

"This time (in her next film), I get to make out with a boy. I know that because I wrote it into the script." (Link)

First of all, she is a self-admitted geek, who nurses giant crushes on boy band stars from the 90s. When she had to "Earn Her Plug" on Leno, he asked her what she was going to do. Gabby's answer? "I'm going to be awesome at *N Sync trivia." And awesome she was, even after an appearance by a Very Special Guest got her flustered. In other boy band silliness, the highlight of the Golden Globe nominations for her was that "Justin Timberlake just said my name!". ("... it's like the nomination is That's How I Roll from Cold Stone Creamery and Justin saying my name is like cherries on top of That's How I Roll from Cold Stone Creamery.") She dropped hints that she wouldn't say no to a cage match featuring Anthony Mackie (of The Hurt Locker) and Justin Timberlake, with the winner being her date to the Oscars, and once she decided to take her mom to the ceremony (her new boyfriend "hasn't earned the Oscar ticket"), she suggested that Justin meet her at Red Lobster afterwards.

"My mom has a crush on Steve Martin, and we used to watch The Jerk pretty much every day. And so I'm really excited that this show will be hosted by Jack Donaghy and the Jerk." (Link)

This is a woman who is absolutely confident in herself. When Chris Rock grabbed her ass at the NAACP Image Awards - pissing off her father in the process - she laughingly smacked his hands and responded by saying, "Some dudes gotta have it – it’s my own fault for being too damn fine." Lee Daniels told an interviewer that she is "unequivocally comfortable in her body . . . I had no doubt that she had four or five boyfriends, easily." Her response was "cackling" - "It's a gross underestimate." Sunday night, after telling a reporter that she thinks Gerard Butler is hot and she would totally hit that, he popped up behind her and shook her hand. Instead of getting embarrassed, Gabby told him, "I kinda said, 'I'd hit that.' I'm not ashamed. I'd hit that. I'm sorry." Gerard replied: "I'm here, I'm available. Let's go!" and Gabby responded: "Let's grab a bottle of champagne and see where the night goes." And at this point we've all heard her comment about her Oscars dress that left Ryan Seacrest - SEACREST - speechless, right?

"Just because our president is black doesn't mean our struggle stops. The Obama family is something for us to aspire to, but a lot of us aren't going to get there." Is Precious going to get there? "Precious's story is a fiction," says Sidibe, "but it's also a truth. There are lots of Preciouses out there and not all of them are as lucky as her. She has a light of hope in her that we see in the film even when she's in the heart of darkness. Others may not be so lucky. But who knows if she's going to get out of her world. We hope she will, though, don't we?" (Link)

The first thing that pops into Gabby's head when asked about the perks of fame is free shots. She has opinions on face tattoos. The day she got nominated for an Oscar, her mom texted her and asked her to act like a serious 26-year-old. She used to be a bully to the boys in her class, she wanted to be a comedian (she thinks she peaked too early), and she does a killer impression of...well, herself. She tells hilarious stories about meeting the biggest star on the planet, she and her roommate choreograph dance routines JUST IN CASE they end up on Ellen, she hangs with Johnny Weir (please do not read the comments there - they are not awesome), and she's fabulous enough to prompt Conan O'Brien to say that she's his favorite guest ever.

"People trip over themselves to tell me I'm beautiful. It's cute. It's cute, but I'm not buying it. I'm beautiful now because you can buy a ticket to see me on a screen? I was beautiful before."(Link)

But more than just silly and giggly, Gabourey is also thoughtful and articulate. She's working in an industry where she doesn't fit, and the role she plays is one of great horror and heartbreak. She spent the first few weeks and months after the release of the film having to deal with people confusing her with her character. "I've seriously got people saying to me: 'Are your children OK now?' And not just from ordinary people, but from people who've been in the movie business 20 or 30 years." In talking about Precious, the girl, she says, "It's like she's fat. Well fucking A. She's already having a hard life. So what, if she was skinny, would this story be any the less heartfelt or daunting. I think it's funny that people are like 'on top of that...' but that's not the story. That's not the point." It's a part of the film, and of Gabby, that cannot be overlooked, though, and her weight comes up in nearly every interview she's done. "Over time,” she's said, "I’ve worked out that nobody else lives in my body, nobody else has to live my life, except for me. I’m the only one in charge of whether I’m happy or sad." Something tells me that that could be a lesson for all of us.

"If you look at Precious and all you see is someone who is overweight and dark-skinned, you're missing the point. Just like if you look at me and all you see is someone who is overweight and dark-skinned. You've missed the point. You've missed me." (Link)

So what's next for this completely adorable and charming Every-girl? She's just finished filming a movie - in which she plays the bully - and guest stars in the pilot for Showtime's The Big C, starring Laura Linney. (She's also made no secret of her admiration for such female comedians as Tina Fey and Amy Poehler, and Jesse Tyler Ferguson would love to have her on Modern Family.) She's found a legion of fans by being absolutely herself and by clearly enjoying every moment she's had in the spotlight. (And, really, she should call us and give us the scoop on Sunday night, because you just know she's got good stories and would be more than willing to share them over a bottle of wine.) Even if she eventually goes on to finish school and be a psychologist, there's no doubt that she's left an indelible mark in an industry usually defined by artifice and conformity. So the next time you forget to be confident in who you are and what you can do, just stop, think, and take a page from the Gabby Playbook:

"The press paints the picture that I got this role and now I'm awesome. But the truth is that I've been awesome and then I got this role."

Don't Talk Yourself Out Of Being Awesome

So, I just spent the weekend with my husband's brother and sister-in-law and our two nephews, who are four-almost-five and 16 months. My sister-in-law is kind of my hero. Not only has she helped introduce her oldest to the wonder of Lady Gaga with only a little bit of shame (he asked, by name, for "Just Dance," "Poker Face" and "Bad Romance" and then knew good chunks of the words), she has also recently gotten involved in roller derby. She just passed her skills test last weekend, and will be drafted at the end of the month. She's kicking around derby names (Jabba the Slut, Princess Slaya, Yid Viscious and Gaza Strip are all in the running - your votes are welcomed!) and says she doesn't think she's ever enjoyed anything in her life as much as she enjoys this. She's a 35-year-old lawyer and she was also absolutely terrified going to her first practice all by herself.

If you're like us, you've spent the last week and a half watching incessant Olympic coverage, crying at all the heartwarming human interest stories and wondering what life would be like as an elite athlete. If you're like me, you've continued to sit your ass on the couch and just marvel at that kind of dedication, feeling a little bit bad that you're not more motivated. But you know what? It's not necessary to leap into 8-hour training days and an 8,000-calorie diet to be awesome. You can be awesome in a thousand other ways that may not have even occured to you.

Brownie, for example, swam a mile for a women's cancer charity about three months after she started swimming regularly. Daisy tried out for Jeopardy! and qualified (she didn't make the show - turns out they might not like it if you swear when you miss an answer). Between the three of us, we have friends who have travelled around the world alone, learned a foreign language at 40, started competing in marathons and triathlons and quit their well-paying jobs to start their own business. We know and love people who've learned - as adults - go-go dancing, belly dancing, a musical instrument, aerial silks and how to roller skate. And they all have one thing in common - they didn't talk themselves out of it, no matter how scary it was.

It's easy to doubt yourself, to not go to tryouts or the intro class, because you think you're too old or not in good enough shape or that you lack rhythm. I'm doing it right now, in fact - the roller derby league in my city has drop-in nights every Sunday, and I'm making every excuse I can think of. It's too far away. It's ten whole dollars. I don't know shit about it. I'm not tough enough, not cool enough, and I haven't been on skates in a thousand years. But you know what? I've wanted to do it for what feels like ages, my friends and my husband - not to mention my sister-in-law - are encouraging me, and I just might love it. If I don't? That's okay. At least I will know that for sure, instead of just deciding that I won't love it without ever trying it. And so next Sunday? Look for me at Drop-In Derby Night. I'll be the terrified-looking one in the rented skates attempting to not fall on her ass.

As for you, take a moment, and think about it. Think about the thing that has always sounded interesting to you but that you've always dismissed for whatever reason. Cooking school. A walkabout. Glassblowing. Whatever it is, the next time it comes up, just stop, think about the balls it takes to cut through your own bullshit and go for it.