Don't Take Sex Tips From Cosmopolitan

Warning: Adult content and more bad words than usual. Yeah, even worse than the vagina bedazzling post. Sigh.

I got my nails done this weekend, and as I was waiting for the Russian Navy to dry, I (very gingerly) picked up the latest issue of Cosmopolitan. "99 Sex Moves!" the cover promised in bold font, and I thought, Well, it might be nice to find an opening line that isn't, "Hey, the baby's asleep," so I flipped to the appropriate page. I read a little and then checked to make sure it wasn't actually titled "99 Sex Moves From People Raised in Convents." Example 1: "Warm up your hands before touching his penis." You don't say. Example 2: "Keep sparkling water in your mouth as you give him a blowjob." What? Also: ouch.

So of course I went to Cosmo's website to read all of their sex advice. I found that the tips above are a good microcosm of all of their advice: either patently obvious or completely insane. And because, honestly, I feel sorry for anyone who thinks that going a little slower or using a pillow to change positions are new and exciting sex ideas, I'm going to skip the obvious and just cover the insane.

In the article 14 Sex Tips You've Never Heard Of, it quickly becomes obvious out why you've never heard of them. The first involves putting satin panties in the freezer, microwaving a damp washcloth, and using them in ways frozen panties and hot washcloths should never be used. First of all, that's a lot of running back and forth to the kitchen. Secondly, there's nothing in the tip that mentions warning your boyfriend that his genitalia is about to be used as an impromptu thermometer. I am not male, but I imagine that would be more terrifying than arousing.

There's no warning suggested for tip number five either, which suggests wrapping a fake pearl necklace around a dude's penis. Geez, I can't imagine that going wrong at all. Other than, you know, your boyfriend thinking you're trying to strangle his dick, jumping out of bed, and locking himself in the bathroom for the rest of the night. I feel like the natural reaction to both of these tips is less "ooh, baby" and more "YEEEEARGH!"

Then, as if cold underwear and fake pearls weren't random enough foreign objects with which to torture your boyfriend, another tip advises you--I am not making this up--to wrap a half a dozen scrunchies around his bratwurst and pull them off with your teeth. This was the point where I began to suspect that Cosmo staffers just got baked and started coming up with the craziest things they could think of, hoping some poor souls would try them and send angry letters that the staff could then dramatically reenact at the Cosmo holiday party. It's the only vaguely logical theory I could come up with, because otherwise I think we can all agree that the words "scrunchie" and "penis" should never, ever be mentioned in the same sentence.

The theory looked even more probable as I got to tip #12, which suggests you and your love "Take a really long piece of sturdy plastic wrap (long enough to fit around your body about eight times). Then fold it in half, twist it into a long rope that fits snuggly [sic] around both of your bodies twice, and secure it with a knot at your waist so you're locked together. " No! Don't do that! Unless, of course, one of your life goals is to be able to end a story about a sexual encounter with, "And then we had to wait for my roommate to get home and cut us free." In that case, go right ahead. Supposedly, this cheap-ass bondage trick "not only increases the intimacy but also the fun factor." Yeah, spending ten minutes figuring out how to roll over is totally my idea of sexy fun times.

Look, the next time you find yourself saying, "oh, yeah" but thinking I wonder if Taco Bell is still open? Don't go to a magazine that thinks hot pink tube dresses are the height of sophistication for solutions. Try something I didn't see Cosmo suggest anywhere and talk to your partner. It might be scary and uncomfortable in the short term, but I guarantee that in the long run it'll lead to better sex than setting up a bedroom flying trapeze.