Don't Decorate Your Private Property

Oh, how I wish this post was about how you shouldn't put Christmas lights around your No Trespassing signs. Sadly, "private property" is a euphemism. For genitalia, in case you hadn't already figured that out. Not that I think you're too stupid to get it; you just might not have had your coffee yet.

Man, two sentences in and I'm already so embarrassed that I'm avoiding the topic. Okay, here we go. There's a new product available called (oh god) My New Pink Button which supposedly "restores the 'pink' back to a woman's genitals." I can't believe I just typed that sentence. I can't believe I'm writing this post. There is so much wrong with this whole situation, I don't even know where to start. So let's go with punctuation. Why is "pink" in quotation marks? When you have to qualify the entire purpose of the product with quotes, it does not inspire confidence in the consumer. Especially when it's something that's meant to be applied to an extremely sensitive area.

Wait, what am I talking about? Like someone who thinks dyeing her labia is a perfectly sensible idea is going to be worried about stray quotation marks. Look, my gut tells me that this is an entirely made up problem; that there aren't actually women out there who expend time and energy worrying about the color of their lady parts. But there are a lot of cosmetic procedures that women pay money for that I originally thought were practical jokes, including toe shortening, calf implants, and injecting the deadliest toxin known to man into their faces. So I'm going to treat this as an actual possibility and say: Don't do it.

To be serious for a moment, if you're embarrassed by the color of your genitalia? I suggest taking the $30 you might be thinking about spending on this product and put it towards a therapist who'll help you feel pretty on the inside.

Okay, I'm done, right? I don't have to write anymore about hoo-hoos? Oh, for goodness' sake. So Jennifer Love Hewitt for some reason decided to tell the world that her brilliant idea for getting over a breakup was to have a friend stick Swarovski crystals around her vagina. Except she didn't say vagina. She said "precious lady," which made me think of a Virgin Mary statue for some reason, which made it even more disturbing when I realized what she was actually talking about. Anyway. Sparkly bits on your girly bits: Don't do that.

There are so many reasons that "vagazzaling," as J. Love calls it, is a terrible idea. What if one gets loose? Think about how annoying it is when you have a pebble in your shoe. And I don't know about you, but at some point I'd get up in the middle of the night to pee, forget I've bedazzled myself, and end up accidentally blinded by the glow coming from my crotch. Then there's the big one: What if you get laid? Do you explain your nether region arts & crafts project or just get naked and risk having your hook up think you have the world's shiniest STD?

I know it's difficult to feel desirable when you've just gone through a break-up, or when advertising says you aren't. But if you start to feel down, just stop those negative thoughts, think about how wonderful you really are, and don't do anything wacky to your vagina.