Don't Buy Shoes From Anthropologie

(Image via http://www.shoewawa.com/)

So, if you have any kind of retail therapy issues - as we do - a store called Anthropologie is likely on your radar. While you may have issues with their politics, you must admit that they have pretty floaty blouses, sassy dresses, and fab accessories. None of it is cheap (though hint: their sales are amazing) and in store? Anthro can definitely come off as pretentious. (At least, according to my mother, who had to make a trip at Christmas.) But it's still a fun place to shop, and I'd still spend a lot more money there than I do if I, you know, had money.

Alas, they also sell shoes. It's easy to get sucked into the mindset that ANTHRO = PRETTY ALWAYS, but that? That is wrong.

It starts out kind of okay. Weird cutout oxfords are not totally off-trend, right? And it sometimes is fun to pretend you're Michael Jackson, even though you are most certainly...not.

But then things get confusing. I mean again with the oxfords. Not my fave, but sure, go for it. However, crazy brown woven oxfords? Those look like something John Locke would have whipped up, right after he finished the crib for Claire. And what about these very bizarre lace oxfords that look unnervingly like tap shoes but really really aren't? Let's not, shall we?

And then there are the hooves, a category that includes these. Laura Ashley wasn't cute when the girls from Stonybrook wore it, and is even less cute when it's on a pair of wackadoodle hooves.

If it were 1778 and you needed shoes that were appropriate for sidling up next to various founding fathers while working the annual Christmas party at a Williamsburg brothel, these would fit the bill nicely. Do you need some boots that are the equivalent of a handpainted acid trip? (Now at an excellent price!) Or what about the shoe version of elastic-waist pants? Hint: No. No you do NOT need them. No one does.

Nor do you need these boots. Not only do you not need them, but as of this writing, no one WANTS them - even for 99 cents.

Of course, there are the genuine classics, like the shoes that come with their own (very very ugly) socks and would be at home with the Wilder family on the prairie. And, finally, the thigh-high boots that include knee pads, laces, and a whoooole lotta ugly.

While there are always exceptions that prove the rule (I'm sorry, are you Peter Pan in the midst of a dramatic image shift?), don't be blinded by the excitement of your holiday bonus or the shopping goggles of a bad breakup. Just stop, think about the hundreds of dollars you're about to spend on something you'll wear once, shove to the back of your closet and never wear again, and - for all our sakes - don't buy ugly shoes.