I Don't Care That It's Photoshopped...

This is the awesomest picture I've seen this year:



(It didn't even occur to me that this was 'shopped, by the way. Even though I was sitting there going, "Why were they watching soccer around a conference table? On a Saturday afternoon? In suits?" I finally decided maybe they were in the middle of a meeting about whether or not we're allowed to nuke BP headquarters and the Beckham!face was part of the Powerpoint presentation.)

Yes, Do that! Wedding Couple edition

And to close out Wedding Week, here are some things that the Wedding Couple should do! We're not going to get into the "Write thank you notes!" "Tip your caterers!" "Bustle your dress!" things, because everyone tells you that. These are the things that wedding couples have done that have made the weddings that we have attended and been a part of the most enjoyable and memorable (in the best ways).

Please, whatever you do, Do feed your guests. Not, you know, during the ceremony, but there is often a lot of standing and waiting around between the ceremony and when the wedding couple makes their grand entrance, and the best weddings that I've been to always make sure that there are some things to nosh on for guests then. It doesn't matter if you're having a super formal church wedding, or a relaxed backyard barbeque wedding -- people can get grumpy and impatient when they're waiting, but no one cares if someone is wandering around with a plate of bruschetta, or if there's a big pitcher of sangria and some delicious cheese, or a pile of samosas in the lobby (Indian weddings are the best). It may sound silly that you have to make sure that people have snacks at all times, but it's just practical: everyone is in a better mood when they're eating good food. Plus, it gives your guests something to do instead of just waiting for you to arrive, which means that you can relax, have that snack that we talked about for yourself, and take your pictures, and not stress about getting back to the reception asap. Especially if you have any elderly people or children around, they are much less likely to get tired and uncomfortable and therefore irritable if they can relax with a treat (and a cocktail at this point would be lovely too, because nothing is more fun than Grandma with a cocktail when she's already in a good mood). (The cocktail is obviously not for the kids).

And speaking of kids: while we told the wedding guests on Monday not to bring their kids if they aren't invited, one thing that the wedding couple should do is make it clear whether kids are invited or not. If you're not inviting kids, how do you do that in a nice way, you ask? Well, the standard is that whoever is on the invitation is invited, so if it's invited to Mr. and Mrs. Manners, then only those two are invited, but if it's invited to Mr. and Mrs. Manners and family, then the whole family is invited. But some people don't get that, so that's what the wedding website is good for; you can put a note saying that while you love children, it's an adults only event, and give names of babysitters that you know of for out of town guests who are visiting. And if you do invite kids, having a kid zone with some bubbles or not too noisy toys at the wedding is always a big hit.

One of the most important things for the wedding couple to do is Do remember the point of the day. People will try to make the wedding about your shoes, or if your hair should be up or down, or where you're registered, or who bought you the biggest present, or whether you should serve beef or salmon, etc. etc. Sure, it's a party, and you're wearing a great dress, or a fabulous new tux, and you're thinking about the food and the tablecloths and all of that, but the real point of your wedding is that you're in front of everyone you love, and you're pledging to marry your best friend. That is a wonderful and happy and joyful thing, and everyone who is there is there because they are thrilled for you and your new spouse.

And finally, Do have fun! The best weddings that I've been to are the ones where the wedding couple partied with us all night long, and thoroughly enjoyed themselves. Don't spend all of your time taking pictures -- how fun is it to look back at the pictures and say "Oh, that's when we stood there in the church...oh yeah, and that's when we stood there by the water...OH, that's where we stood by the FLOWERS!"? No, it's the most fun to look back at the time that you danced like a fool in your fabulous dress with your Uncle Leo, or saw the two flower girls spinning around in their dresses, or laughed when all of your friends from college made you sing that song that you always sang at 3 am in the dorms. Your goal should be to have an awesome time at your wedding, because if you do, we all will. Happy June, everyone!

Don'ts for the Wedding Party

Wedding Week continues! Today, some Don'ts for the bridal party.

Being part of a bridal party can be stressful, especially on your wallet. You're dropping money on a dress that you might hate, shoes that kill your feet, plus travel and hotel costs, not to mention helping to throw a shower and/or a bachelor(ette) party (but not necessarily a gift). But at the end of it, you're standing next to someone you love while they get married, right? So.

Don't tell the bride her dress is ugly.
It's one thing if you're part of her entourage when she's dress shopping, and she puts on some insanely poofy montsrosity that is so not her. At that point, give her the thumbs down and help her get out of it as fast as possible. But if she's gone through the whole Say Yes To The Dress rigamarole, paid out the nose (or not), gotten it fitted - or had it handmade by a family member, ESPECIALLY if she's had it handmade by a family member - and you still don't like it? Don't say anything! She's made her choice, she loves the dress, and hearing from you that you think it's ugly or not flattering or too sparkly or not sparkly enough or totally tacky is just going to hurt her feelings and put a big giant damper on what is supposed to be one of the best days of her life. And maybe your friendship, too. Do you really want to risk that?

Don't make it all about you.
I know, I know. Yesterday we told the bride not to go running around, hollering about how TODAY IS HER DAY! But guess what? It kind of is. What it definitely is not is your day. So don't make it all about how you look in your dress, or how badly the makeup person screwed up your eyeliner, or your own personal drama with the bride or the groom or the maid of honor or the DJ. This isn't just true on the day of the wedding, by the way. I went to a shower once where we were all asked to give the bride a piece of advice, and one of the attendees wrote basically a paragraph about how she had no advice because she wasn't married and would never get married and was going to die an old spinster. NO. THAT IS NOT OKAY.

Don't be inappropriate in your toast.
There's an episode of How I Met Your Mother where Ted is working on his Best Man toast for Marshall and Lily's wedding. His first draft involves, among other things, drinking all night and Marshall and Lily having sex in a bathroom. When Marshall protests, Ted sarcastically writes another toast, wherein everyone takes shots of chocolate milk and Marshall and Lily...hold hands in a bathroom. Ted thinks his point is made - that it's impossible to write a good toast when someone "censoring [you]!" What Ted eventually figures out is that it's not about censorship, it's about being able to read a room and understand the occasion. You're speaking at an event that involves college drinking buddies, true, but also the groom's great-grandmother. And the bride's born-again uncle. And probably some kids (unless they're not invited - go read Monday's post again). So don't tell that story about the happy couple meeting while they were wasted at the bar, or about the stripper from the bachelor party, or about your own colorful sexual past with one - or both! - of the newlyweds. There are a lot of really lovely sentiments you can express without needing a Viewer Advisory Warning beforehand. Even Ted eventually figured this out. And the cliche of "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all" is especially valid here - if you hate your friend's new partner, just sit there and drink your wine and keep your mouth shut. A passive-aggressive toast is fun for no one.

Also, keep it short.

And so, attempting to take my own advice (hah), that will wrap it up for today. But also, read Monday's post. Yes AGAIN. All of that goes double for you, members of the bridal party - keep a lid on your liquor consumption, don't talk shit and leave the kids at home.

Tomorrow: Crafty stuff and finally, some Dos!

Don't Deny Democracy: This week's poll

One of our favorite things about Don't Do That's reader stats is looking at the search terms that bring people here, even though many of them are about pantyhose. The best one so far has also been the most baffling:

Don't do that, then you have no pie and guilty neighbors.

That is amazing. It reads like the plot summary of a movie we would totally pay money to see.

We have no idea what it means, but that's where you come in. Vote in the poll to your right, and next Thursday we'll come up with a short story based on the winning scenario. OR if you have an idea that we didn't think of? Post it in the comments! We welcome all rational (and irrational) explanations.

Don'ts for the Wedding Couple

Don't let this be you.

Welcome to the third day of Wedding week on Don't Do That! We started Monday with Don'ts for Wedding Guests, and I am here to give you Don'ts for the Wedding Couple. Though I am the unmarried member of the DDT team, I have been to many many weddings, and I will tell you from experience that the ones that are the most memorable in the bad way are because of something crazy that a member of the wedding couple (or bridal party) did.

The most important one is this: please, please, Don't get sloppy drunk. We all know why it happens, you're stressed all day, you're rushing around, you don't eat anything, and then people start handing you champagne. But a happy and nicely tipsy bride hugging everyone is one thing, a falling down drunk bride throwing up in the bathroom is another*. And your grandma doesn't need to see you and your bros icing each other and then stumbling around knocking down the ice sculpture by the end of the night. Do what you need to do -- assign one of your bridesmaids to be the one to make sure you eat at least one substantial meal before the wedding, get the caterer to put a bottle of Pellegrino at your table so that you can switch out toasts between that and champagne, have food in the limo in between the ceremony and the reception so that you can snack in peace with a big napkin over your dress and without Auntie Irma coming up to give you a hug, whatever. You just don't want everyone's memories of your wedding to be of how wasted you were.

Here's another one: Don't sweat the small stuff. Really. I know that you've been planning this for a while, but I promise, no one but you notices that the tablecloths are cream instead of the gold that they told you that they would be, or that the plates in the buffet are out of order, or that your bridesmaids toenail color clashes with her shoes. As long as you're not one of these couples, I think your wedding is going just fine.

And no matter how many people say it, Don't believe that it's YOUR day. I know, I know, when you're planning your wedding, people tell you over and over again "It's YOUR day! Do what you want!" And yes, you should have a wedding that you want and that reflects you, and not the one that your mother or mother in law wants for you. But when you use the MY DAY trope to have a rainbow wedding with your bridesmaids in all of the colors of the rainbow and then those colors assigned to different tables, down to telling the guests who will be sitting at those tables what color to wear to your wedding, you've gone too far. Remember, you're throwing a party here, and your main concern for the reception should be to make your guests comfortable and make sure they have a good time, like any other party. As Miss Manners (one of Don't Do That's heroes) says "[a] phrase you will be happier forgetting: 'It's your day.' The joining of two people involves two (or more) families and other relatives and friends, and you ignore their feelings and comfort at your peril."

That is a sentence that everyone should say over and over again while planning a wedding. Remember, it's not about how much everything costs (and please, don't tell us, we don't care), or what the pictures are like. It's about seeing all of your friends and family together to celebrate you and your new spouse's love for one another. And seeing Grandma get down on the dance floor with your new and very tall nephew to Lady Gaga. Happy Weddings, everyone!

So, dear readers, please tell us your biggest wedding couple don'ts, we're all ears.

*All stories in this post are from actual weddings. Seriously.

Tuesday Quickies: Weddings Edition

Google "weddings" and you get 57 million results. Here are five!

Don't read this wedding announcement unless you're prepared to go "Aww!"
Jane Lynch and Laura Embry (NY Times)

Don't go for looks over taste:
Why Fancy Cakes Can Taste So Crummy (Wall Street Journal)

I love unconventional weddings, but not this kind of unconventional. Don't do anything featured on this site:
Tacky Weddings

I don't have anything bad to say about this site. It's hilarious:
Wedinator

And one entertaining and useful site. Don't plan a wedding without it:
Manolo For The Brides

Don'ts for Wedding Guests

Summer is upon us, and you know what that means! Okay, it means a lot of things, but for the purposes of this blog post, it signifies wedding season. Welcome to Wedding Week at Don't Do That, because (shockingly) we have a lot of opinions to share about what you shouldn't do at a wedding. Today we'll be addressing guest behavior, with advice for the wedding couple and bridal party later in the week.

Let's start with the really obvious one: Don't Get Sloppy Drunk. Note I said not to get sloppy drunk. I'm never going to tell you not to get drunk at a wedding. I mean seriously, weddings are, like, the best places to get drunk. You don't have to, obviously, because drinking is not everyone's thing, but if you want to? Have that third glass of wine and tell everyone how much you love their hair. By all means, drink enough to wear your tie as a headband and belt out Don't Stop Believing with your great aunt.

BUT. Do not get crazy and have that fourth, or god forbid, that fifth glass of wine. Your tolerance may vary, but my point is that you should know your drink upper limit before you start drinking. (In my early 20s, mine was six drinks. Post baby, I think it's one and a half. My liver and wallet just high-fived.) Don't assume that "open bar" means "drink your weight!" That way lies many bad, bad things, including but not limited to:

• Hitting on your second cousin


• Setting yourself on fire via lit-candle centerpiece


• Sleeping with Barney Stinson


• Passing out under the buffet table


• Puking on the cute usher's shoes


• Soaking in the hotel hot tub in your only pair of underwear


• Making your boyfriend call his parents and give up your ALCS tickets because you can't deal with seeing the Yankees inevitably eliminate the Red Sox. In 2004.

Not that any of those have happened to me, of course. (Call me, Barney!)

Next: Don't Upstage the Bride. I don't think any of our readers are uncouth enough to make a scene or anything soap-operatic like that (although if you know anyone who has, holy shit, you have GOT to tell us about it!), so this basically applies to clothing. Blah, blah, blah don't wear white, you're thinking. No one actually does that, Daisy. Not true! I went to a wedding where the bride's mother-in-law wore a white suit! The bride was gracious, but this was six years ago, and I know she's still a little bit pissed about it. (It was definitely not my mother-in-law, by the way. My mother-in-law would have punched out anyone who showed up to my wedding in white.)

I know we're sick of all the Bridezilla "IT'S MY DAY!" bullshit foisted upon us by the media, but look at it this way: She and her family are paying for a huge party that you're coming to voluntarily. Suck it up and defer to your hosts. This means no outfits that will have the guests talking about you instead of the wedding. No hot pink, no gold lame, no hats like this, no possible chance that your nipples will make an appearance. All that applies to the men, too. No one wants to see your nipples either, Uncle Jim.

Moving on from that disturbing mental image, we have our next rule: Don't Talk Shit (In Public). I know that we all secretly love dissecting every detail of a wedding, from the dress to the favors. But for god's sake, don't do it when you're at the wedding! You know that game Telephone? Yeah, you mention that the flowers look a little wilted, and by the time it gets back to the bride (and it WILL get back to her) you will have said her grandmother looks like a whore. So keep all shit-talk to yourself, at least until you get back to your room.

This last one is the Don't that inspired Wedding Week in the first place, so you know it's a big one. Don't Bring Your Kids Unless They're Invited. Look, I love kids. I have a pretty awesome one, in fact. But much like I wouldn't invite a random friend along to the reception, I won't bring my daughter unless she's welcome. If you're not sure? ASK.

And if you take nothing else from this post, please remember this: if the people throwing the wedding tell you they can't accommodate your children, don't bring them anyway. It's similar to wearing white to the wedding, where "white" equals "more people to seat and mouths to feed." Not to mention the potential for spectacular misbehavior, which in my opinion exempts the rest of the guests from the Don't Talk Shit rule. If the kids aren't supposed to be there, I decree that everyone is allowed to call them uncivilized little monsters.

All right, dear readers. Got any other big wedding Don'ts? Sound off in the comments!

Don't Take The Internet Seriously

So it seems that people have Very Strong feelings about things like wearing white tights and pantyhose with open-toed shoes. Could you have predicted that? We really could not have. True, some of those people also apparently have very strong feelings about us, but most of the terrible-legwear defenders are, as far as we can tell, just really committed to their cause.

Which is great, I suppose. I mean, everyone should have a passion. I am sorry that sometimes that passion takes the form of ugliness, but if that's what floats your boat, great. You know what floats our collective boat? Telling you that we disagree. That doesn't mean we're trying to brainwash you (if only we had such powers), or that we are the be-all, end-all of bossiness on the internet (but wouldn't it be great if we were? I wonder if it comes with a sash or three). So, you know. CHILL.

Speaking of chilling on the internet: Has your favorite pop star just come out of the closet? Chill. It really probably was not his evil twin. Do you find yourself typing a blog comment that includes the statement "This is ridiculous. Fix it." directed at the organizers of a fan convention? Chill. Do the writers of your favorite TV show craft an entire meta-filled episode around your totally crazy internet fandom? Chill! (But okay, also thank you, because that was a fantastic episode.) Every comment section on every online news article is an excellent example of this, as are the Facebook pages of a couple of Slate's podcasts.

I could go on and on here, and I'm sure you could too. (And if I've missed your favorite example of THE INTERNET IS SERIOUS, please oh please share in the comments.) But let's take a moment and remember the wonderful things that the internet has given us. Things like LOLCats. Sure, they're old news at this point, but that doesn't mean that they're any less funny. And passive-aggressivenotes.com, which always reminds me that things could be more annoying. And, as we've mentioned before, there's gingerslam2's hysterical Chris Pine/Zach Quinto posts on OhNoTheyDidnt - one of them needs to take a walk this weekend, as our lives have been tragically empty without her commentary. Not to mention every single site on our blogroll over there to the right.

So the next time you decide it's a good idea to insult the feet of a stranger on the internet, just stop. Think about the fact that the invention that gave us Lions in Kenya, Childrens' Hospital, and such Lost-related classics as this duel and Hurley's Dude montage is not a thing that people should consider to be SRS BZNS. And don't take the internet so damn seriously.

Don't Wear Pantyhose with Open Toed Shoes

Ladies and gentlemen, it is now officially summer!* That means that in many parts of the globe, it is warm and sunny enough for us all to wear our sundresses, pink lipgloss, floppy straw sunhats, and oh yes, our fabulous summery sandals. (Sorry to our readers in the Southern Hemisphere, but you can think of this post next January when we're freezing and bitter and you're warm and tan). However, the problem with summer is that that scourge of the universe is upon us. You know it, we all know it. Pantyhose with open toed shoes, every May I have hope that we would have banished you from the universe, and every June you come flying back, stronger, reinforced, and with that seam bolder and bolder. Please let this post be one of the things that helps get rid of this nightmare forever. Don't, don't, wear pantyhose with open toed shoes.

In looking for a picture to illustrate this post, I google image searched "pantyhose with open toed shoes." The images that I saw will give me nightmares tonight, so to cleanse my spirit of those, I found that lovely picture up above. Do you see those fabulous shoes? Can't you think of the great outfit that you would wear to go with them, if your fairy godmother came and left them in your shoe size under your pillow tonight? And how you would make sure to have a perfect pedicure to go with them, to show the shoes off all the better? And can you think of what they would look like if instead, you had nylon stretching across your toes, in some weird "nude" color (or, God forbid, white). You just heard a record screech, didn't you?

I see this everywhere in the summer, though Washington D.C. was the worst town for it, even though in the summer there it is 95 degrees on a good day. (I hope that our new First Lady of Awesome will help get rid of this trend, but we all know that D.C. is very slow to change.) I have generally never understood why people feel this compulsion. For the one thing, it's just seasonally inappropriate. When it is 90 degrees outside or even hotter, why would anyone want to wear pantyhose? I sweat at the general idea. Here's a general rule: if it is hot enough for sandals, it's too hot to wear pantyhose. (A corollary to that rule: if it's cold enough for you to want to have pantyhose to keep your legs marginally warmer, it's too cold for you to wear open toed shoes.)**

And, okay, some jobs still make women wear pantyhose (still! In 2010!). If your job is so formal as to make you wear pantyhose, open toed shoes are usually forbidden. And even if they aren't, don't you want to save your pretty fun summer shoes for a time when you don't have to ruin their look with a sheer nylon horror?

Is it that your grandma told you that you have to wear hose when you dress up? Do you really want to dress like your grandma?

And I understand that sometimes we all want the control top power that a good pair of hose can provide. But you know, that's why Spanx were invented. Even men are wearing them now!

But you know, the worse thing is that people think that women must wear pantyhose, because the sight of a woman's bare leg is somehow classless and disgusting. Can someone explain this to me in a way that isn't pure misogyny and making women keep every part of their bodies covered? It's just another way of making women feel bad about themselves, and that their legs are too pale, or too scarred, or too dark, or too fat to be in the public view alone. Attention, ladies: having a sheer nylon cover over your legs does not change the way that they look.

Instead of covering yourself up, do your legs a favor. Moisturize well (I am a big fan of the Lush Buffy, myself, perfect for this time of year), shave (if you do shave, that is -- and if you do, I favor the Mach 3 Turbo blades with the Venus handle), do some self tanner if that makes you feel better, and slide into your awesome shoes with confidence.

*Yeah yeah, not officially until the end of June, but I count the beginning of June as summer.

**Not that I haven't worn open toed shoes when it's cold, I have; I just don't wear hose and don't complain about it. Also note: this is not about tights and peep toe shoes -- I have seen that done and awesomely, but it usually only works when they are very opaque tights and shoes of a different color so that they pop. It looks especially fun with brightly colored tights. But, again, this is just for peep toes, not strappy sandals.

P.S.: Right after posting this, I was in the elevator with a very smartly dressed woman...with the exception of her feet, where she was wearing open toe slingbacks with that pantyhose seam running right across her toes. Sigh.

Tuesday Quickies: Apocalypse Edition

Boston is covered in a white haze and smells like charred wood thanks to wildfires 400 miles north of us, putting Don't Do That's east coast headquarters into an end-of-the-world type of mood. So we compiled some links to prove that the apocalypse is upon us. Enjoy (with the short time you have left)!

Plague of frogs? Check. Flood of frogs shuts down major Greek highway. (AOL News)

Bottomless pit? Check. Massive sinkhole in Guatemala (io9)

In other bad weather news, today is the first day of hurricane season. Watch what happened last year, in 4 minutes (NASA)

The Gulf oil spill is certainly catastrophic, but I think the participation of Kevin Costner bumps it up to apocalyptic. (The Independent)

Then there's Shirley Manson's refusal to age. I mean, I had this photo on my wall in 1996. She looks exactly the same! That's at least a sign of some sort of black magic. (ONTD)

Look, when Fleshbot says "no, we're not joking," you know the situation is dire. (Also: SIGH. I give up.) Vajazzling porn (Fleshbot, NSFW, duh)

I think anyone whose name appears on this chart would consider it apocalyptic. 6 Degrees of John Mayer's Manhood (GQ)

I have no idea what's going on here with Wil Wheaton and a flying kitten, but it's surely a sign of the end times (Whatever Scalzi)

Al and Tipper Gore split. Well jeez, how's he supposed to save the planet if he can't save his own marriage? (Politico)

Finally, while this graphic is zombie-specific, it's good to remember that in case of apocalypse, Montana is always a safe bet. (College Life)