Don'ts for Wedding Guests

Summer is upon us, and you know what that means! Okay, it means a lot of things, but for the purposes of this blog post, it signifies wedding season. Welcome to Wedding Week at Don't Do That, because (shockingly) we have a lot of opinions to share about what you shouldn't do at a wedding. Today we'll be addressing guest behavior, with advice for the wedding couple and bridal party later in the week.

Let's start with the really obvious one: Don't Get Sloppy Drunk. Note I said not to get sloppy drunk. I'm never going to tell you not to get drunk at a wedding. I mean seriously, weddings are, like, the best places to get drunk. You don't have to, obviously, because drinking is not everyone's thing, but if you want to? Have that third glass of wine and tell everyone how much you love their hair. By all means, drink enough to wear your tie as a headband and belt out Don't Stop Believing with your great aunt.

BUT. Do not get crazy and have that fourth, or god forbid, that fifth glass of wine. Your tolerance may vary, but my point is that you should know your drink upper limit before you start drinking. (In my early 20s, mine was six drinks. Post baby, I think it's one and a half. My liver and wallet just high-fived.) Don't assume that "open bar" means "drink your weight!" That way lies many bad, bad things, including but not limited to:

• Hitting on your second cousin


• Setting yourself on fire via lit-candle centerpiece


• Sleeping with Barney Stinson


• Passing out under the buffet table


• Puking on the cute usher's shoes


• Soaking in the hotel hot tub in your only pair of underwear


• Making your boyfriend call his parents and give up your ALCS tickets because you can't deal with seeing the Yankees inevitably eliminate the Red Sox. In 2004.

Not that any of those have happened to me, of course. (Call me, Barney!)

Next: Don't Upstage the Bride. I don't think any of our readers are uncouth enough to make a scene or anything soap-operatic like that (although if you know anyone who has, holy shit, you have GOT to tell us about it!), so this basically applies to clothing. Blah, blah, blah don't wear white, you're thinking. No one actually does that, Daisy. Not true! I went to a wedding where the bride's mother-in-law wore a white suit! The bride was gracious, but this was six years ago, and I know she's still a little bit pissed about it. (It was definitely not my mother-in-law, by the way. My mother-in-law would have punched out anyone who showed up to my wedding in white.)

I know we're sick of all the Bridezilla "IT'S MY DAY!" bullshit foisted upon us by the media, but look at it this way: She and her family are paying for a huge party that you're coming to voluntarily. Suck it up and defer to your hosts. This means no outfits that will have the guests talking about you instead of the wedding. No hot pink, no gold lame, no hats like this, no possible chance that your nipples will make an appearance. All that applies to the men, too. No one wants to see your nipples either, Uncle Jim.

Moving on from that disturbing mental image, we have our next rule: Don't Talk Shit (In Public). I know that we all secretly love dissecting every detail of a wedding, from the dress to the favors. But for god's sake, don't do it when you're at the wedding! You know that game Telephone? Yeah, you mention that the flowers look a little wilted, and by the time it gets back to the bride (and it WILL get back to her) you will have said her grandmother looks like a whore. So keep all shit-talk to yourself, at least until you get back to your room.

This last one is the Don't that inspired Wedding Week in the first place, so you know it's a big one. Don't Bring Your Kids Unless They're Invited. Look, I love kids. I have a pretty awesome one, in fact. But much like I wouldn't invite a random friend along to the reception, I won't bring my daughter unless she's welcome. If you're not sure? ASK.

And if you take nothing else from this post, please remember this: if the people throwing the wedding tell you they can't accommodate your children, don't bring them anyway. It's similar to wearing white to the wedding, where "white" equals "more people to seat and mouths to feed." Not to mention the potential for spectacular misbehavior, which in my opinion exempts the rest of the guests from the Don't Talk Shit rule. If the kids aren't supposed to be there, I decree that everyone is allowed to call them uncivilized little monsters.

All right, dear readers. Got any other big wedding Don'ts? Sound off in the comments!