Don't Do That

Don't Forget To Enjoy Your Summer!

2010-08-06T18:53:00.005-04:00

Happy Friday, y'all! If there is any justice, you've already left your office and will be reading this...sometime in the future.

As you may have noticed, we've been a bit light on the posting the last couple of weeks. I think summer - and Big Things In Life - have eaten our brains a bit, and so we are going to officially take a brief summer vacation. We'll be off next week, recharging our creative juices (and mixing a whole bunch of other metaphors), and will be back Monday the 16th, bright-eyed, bushy-tailed, and as full of opinions as ever.

In the meantime, feel free to peruse our older posts and if you have questions, comments, post suggestions, or just a link to share, hit us up on Facebook or Twitter, or shoot us an email. (Links to all those fun things are to your right.) If you're really jonesing for new content, all our favorite blogs are also linked on the right, and they are all full of wit, wisdom and sometimes, if you're really lucky, poop jokes.

Thanks for being so awesome, and we'll see you in a week!

Tuesday Quickies: Hide your Wife edition

2010-08-03T13:26:00.002-04:00

Don't try to pretend that Antoine Dodson isn't hilarious. Attempted rape is not funny, but his response is glorious. As is the remix, which made me laugh so hard actual tears came to my eyes. And please, follow the guy on Twitter.

All of us like biblical names here, but don't name your baby Job.

Don't go through life without knowing these things. Stuff no one told me.

Don't leave your office vulnerable to foil wielding students. Professor returns from vacation, gets "foiled."

Don't leave your glove vulnerable to zombie popstars. It's my glove now.

I have a number of friends who have coffee names but luckily they memorize it...and haven't had to deal with running into Starbucks employees outside of the shop and having to respond to the wrong name. Don't like dealing with spelling your name all the time? Use a coffee name. And please, make it an awesome one like Batman. But then, don't forget it, or your coffee will get cold.

Don't look at this if Darth Vader gave you nightmares as a child. But if you love Star Wars, you'll think that this is AWESOME.

And don't look at this if you're vegan. Charlotte's Web is my favorite, I think.

Don't look at this if you hate tattoos. You know, people like Daisy's mother. And, um, Brownie.

Have a good Tuesday, everyone. Hide yo kids, hide yo wife!

A Potluck of Don'ts

2010-08-02T10:27:00.007-04:00

(Photo for the five of you who claimed to be interested in my rugs, bless your hearts.)

Well, I still have nothing to talk about besides the baby and the house. So have some miscellaneous Don'ts from my week:

Don't comment on my baby weight then hand me a plate of brownies, MOM. (aka "The sort of shit I spend hours praying I won't do to my daughter.")

Don't count a visit to your parents as a vacation. It really, really isn't.

Don't try to convince me that letting me take a shower counts as watching the baby. Especially when you hand her back to me while I'm still wearing a towel.

Don't get between the cat and a moth.

Don't think too much about how excited you are to find a new flavor of YoBaby. It will make you feel sad about your life.

Don't laugh at the baby when she sticks the spoon in her hair instead of her mouth.

Don't put the margarita glasses in the yard sale box. You will start craving margaritas even though you and Jose Cuervo haven't been on speaking terms since the Great Tequila Tuesday Experience of '00.

Don't go to the internet for advice. In this case it's something baby-related, but I once called my doctor and said, "So I was reading on the internet," and she cut me off to say, "Oh my god, DON'T DO THAT." Sorry, Dr. S. You were right; I didn't have Venezuelan Hemorrhagic Fever.

Don't watch PBS Kids while your child is napping. It will also make you feel sad about your life. (Even though Word Girl is awesome.)

Don't go browsing on Etsy unless you're okay with finding something you love so much you must have it immediately. (Ahem.)

Don't like the heat? Come to San Francisco

2010-07-28T12:43:00.003-04:00

A typical view of the Golden Gate bridge in July.

All of you out there dying in the summer heat should book a plane ticket to San Francisco, where it is currently 59 degrees and overcast. Most of you are wearing light summer dresses and drinking iced coffee, and sitting under the air conditioner and fan to cool off. I'm drinking hot coffee, wearing a jacket and scarf, and had my electric blanket on last night. We're in the middle of the coldest summer in 40 years here.

Not that I'm complaining, mind you. Okay, not that I'm complaining TOO much. I've lived through summers on the East Coast, including four summers in Washington DC and one in New York, so I know the pain of being drenched in sweat as soon as you walk out the door and just giving up on your hair ever looking attractive from July through Labor Day. Don't get me wrong, I don't miss that.

I do kind of miss the warm nights, though. And going to the beach with friends on the weekend and actually wearing a swimsuit and going in the water and not being huddled up in a blanket and praying for the sun to come out. And actually needing my sunglasses to shield my eyes from the sun and not as just an accessory. Those of you who need that for the summer? You probably shouldn't come to San Francisco.

Those of you who need a break from the heat, or are coming to visit to experience the great food, beautiful views, and fantastic wine of the Bay Area take note. Pack your jeans and bring a few sweaters, because otherwise you'll be some of those tourists that we all make fun of in their identical San Francisco sweatshirts (they make a killing on those because none of the tourists are prepared for needing a sweatshirt here).

And pssst, don't tell anyone, but the best time of year to come here is September and October, that's when the sun actually comes out.

Don't Get Boring

2010-07-26T11:01:00.004-04:00

Subtitle: No One Cares About Your Sconces.

And yet, I really, really want to tell you about my sconces. And my storage ottoman. And how I want to restore the inlaid table my husband's grandparents brought over from Damascus and put it in the dining room. Yes, I have a raging case of new-homowner-itis. I feel bad about my newfound obsession with interior decorating, because, really, it's not that interesting to anyone who doesn't live in my house. But I can't stop talking about it.

These days I feel like half of my brain is occupied by the house and the other half by the baby, making me the least interesting conversationalist in the world. Like, I'm pretty sure I used to have interests. I just can't remember what they were. For example, two years ago I was at ComicCon. Last year I kept up with all the news as it was posted. This year I'm like, Oh, there's an Avengers movie?

Being dull has its advantages, though. I'm completely unspoiled for Inception. Maybe I won't get upset about stupid beauty trends anymore because I won't know they exist. And I'm pleased to say that I still can't tell the Kardashian sisters apart.

Someday I'll renew my ability to make entertaining small talk. Probably around 2024. In the meantime, would you like to hear about my new rugs?

Don't Start Drinking Before Noon

2010-07-23T08:45:00.003-04:00

The title is just a note to myself. You guys can start drinking whenever you want. Anyway, y'all may have noticed that we've been slacking a little bit this week. Roxy and Brownie have been slammed at work and Daisy moved at the same time Baby Razor was busy cutting her first tooth. Basically, we're having the crappiest summer vacation ever.

So in lieu of actual content, have an actual conversation between Daisy and Mister Razor from earlier this week:

"So I was reading an article in the New York times about the strain put on a marriage when a spouse has ADHD, and I thought, well, that's all well and good, but what about when both spouses have it?"

"That sounds interesting. What did it say you should do?"

"Um, I didn't finish reading it."

"Is that a joke?"

"Sadly, no. But I bookmarked it! I'll send you the link. Maybe between the two of us we can finish it."

Thursday quickies: Hilarity edition

2010-07-22T14:07:00.002-04:00

Things that made us laugh this week:

Don't have a good bar in your town? This guy could help: Homeless guy breaks into a closed bar and reopens it with beer from the supermarket.

Don't argue with a goat, you'll lose: Even in a language that I don't speak, this is delightful.

Don't forget the videocamera when you do funny things like this with your babies: Seriously, I could watch these babies making faces all day long.

Don't be that guy (or girl) in your fantasy football league: Guy goes to a fantasy draft with a list of players from 2005.

Don't forget about The Onion, people: People believe crazy video from 2007 about a zombie invasion. Seriously. We have to laugh or we'd cry at some of the racist comments here.

Don't think that here are a million things to do with peanut butter? Read this guy: The Peanut Butter Boy.

Don't like your hotel? You could stay here: The ugliest motel in the world.

Don't try this at home: The Swedish Chef makes popcorn shrimp (sort of).

Don't believe babies are brilliant? Well, first, you've obviously never met Daisy's baby. The superpowers we all had as babies.

I don't care that this has been everywhere, because it is fantastic: Star Wars reenacted on a subway car. I love the behind the scenes stuff too.

Don't Grow Up

2010-07-19T10:47:00.001-04:00

While there are lots of great things about being an adult (wine, sex, no curfew, True Blood), there are also a lot of things about being an adult that, quite simply, blow.

Think it’s great to get a real paycheck? Too bad most of it goes to boring old bills.

You can drive now? Don’t forget that you also have to pay for insurance, instead of just raising the rate on your parents’.

You can drink legally? Have fun with that monster hangover.

And that job that gives you that real paycheck? Can often be way more of a pain in the ass than school used to be. I spent half my weekend preparing for about the most stressful thing my career can throw at me. I’ve also already been in my office for two hours this morning and I’m planning on completely losing my evenings this week...I don’t remember English being this much trouble.

So kids, I know that being a grown-up sounds excellent. But take it from me - and from Peter - and Don’t Grow Up.

Don't Be Lebron James

2010-07-16T07:00:00.001-04:00

Back in April, Brownie taught us all how not to be Brett Favre. Short version? Don’t screw over your team in the offseason, just because you’re a little crazy and very selfish. The last line was the following:

And the next person out there who is thinking about acting like this? You don't be Brett Favre either.

Well, it would appear that a certain enormously famous basketball player has a short memory, as last week we found ourselves in the middle of what my Lebron-defending, Cavs-loving friend has called, “The worst thing in the history of professional sports.”

I’m not sure that’s quite true, but we’ve mentioned before that hyperbole and melodrama is part of the fun of being a sports fan, so we’ll let it slide. What I am sure about, however, is that it has been a complete disaster on so very many levels.

Lebronfires! Booing! One million words by Bill Simmons, even before The Decision!

And, of course, one of the most amazing Open Letters ever, complete with Comic Sans (the text is here - for the full effect, copy and paste it into Word and then change the font).

While all of this may be entertaining for those of us who are removed from it, it doesn't take away the bottom line: Lebron publically and elaborately screwed an organization that put seven years and countless millions of dollars behind him, not to mention his hometown, because he wanted something shiny and he wanted it now, and he did it in the ugliest way possible. What did he think that his actions were going to say to people? What kind of example does he think he's setting? And WHY did his advisors let him do this? Remember - Lebron is 25 years old and has been in the NBA since he was 18, so his view of reality is, shall we say, a bit skewed. But where were they? "They're all young, too!" is not an excuse - I am the same age as his oldest advisor, and I am well aware that this was a fuck-up of monumental proportions.

Believe me, the sports-trainwreck-lover in me is getting a huge kick out of this. I love the The Decision parody at the Espys (Steve Carell and Paul Rudd can basically do no wrong, and it redeemed ESPN a bit), and I love headlines like this. But Cavs fans are less amused, and with good reason.

My friend says this:

I was prepared for disappointment, but...just the way he handled it...if he had announced he was going to Chicago in a normal way, I would have understood. I would be sad, but not hateful. But going to Miami is so dumb, and a 1-hour special is the worst thing in the history of professional sports. Someone called it a cringefest, I can't remember who. Terribly accurate.

I think that's the point here. Even his staunchest defenders weren't really expecting him to stay in Cleveland. But they also weren't expecting to be dumped on national television, for Lebron to prove them all so very wrong so very loudly.

So hey, the next time you're thinking of fucking someone over - your boyfriend, your boss, your sports franchise - just stop. Think about a slightly less douchey way to do it, and don't be Lebron James.

Ultimate Pantyhose Don'ts Edition

2010-07-14T12:45:00.005-04:00

Chris Pine and a woman dressed as a Don't, via ONTD

Of the things that Daisy, Roxy and I thought would happen when we started this blog, I would say “Become internet source for pantyhose questions” would be far far down the list. And yet our two posts about hosiery we thought would be uncontroversial and obvious to the rest of the world, and they turned out to be anything but. And then, we started noticing with a mixture of amazement, horror, and hilarity that we were getting a whole lot of hosiery related searches bringing people to Don’t Do That. Below are just some of the actual searches that we got, with (because we are here to serve) our answers:

Can you wear pantyhose with open toed shoes?
How many times do we need to say this? NO.

Nice summer shoes that aren't open toed?
Excellent question! I am a big fan of the ballet flat, and I really love the ones from London Sole -- they’re a little pricey, but they fit great, they’re comfortable, they come in a lot of adorable styles, and they often have sales. But there are lots of other ballet flat options, like these darling Kate Spade ones, these cute star ones, and these embellished ones. You could also go with espadrilles, like these, some nice slingbacks like these, or something in a nice summery color, like these.

What do you do if you have ugly legs, can you wear pantyhose?
I don’t even know where to start with this one.
No, actually, I do: one disturbing theme that showed up in some of the pantyhose related comments and many of the searches is a big level of body hatred. People think their own legs are ugly, or someone else's legs are ugly, and are looking for ways to hide themselves (or other people) behind clothes. People, pantyhose may be your security blanket for facing the world, but there's really no difference between what your legs look like bare and what they look like encased in sheer nylon, except they're shinier. Put down the shiny and easily torn blanket, embrace an exfoliator, and learn to love your legs.

Can you wear open toed shoes to work?
Well, this depends on your workplace. I live and work in California, and even though I work in a relatively conservative industry, everyone I know wears open toed shoes to work except on a very formal occasion. In more conservatively dressed places in the US or the world, maybe not. The best rule of thumb here is to not wear them at first, and see what the other women in your office do. Don't wear them to court, don't wear them if you work in the Pentagon, don't wear them to a professional job interview. And when you do wear them to work, please make sure your toenails are well groomed.

Do you wear pantyhose to a summer wedding? (Note, we get versions of this one repeatedly)
Again, this depends on where you live -- I never would, especially if I'm wearing a summery wedding appropriate dress, but if you live in the South and your grandmother would swoon if you showed up without hose, then you might. But then again, if you live in the South, it’s probably in the 90s during any summer wedding, and so you may die from heat during the wedding and do you really want the bride to have to deal with your heatstroke during her wedding? I don’t think so.

Pantyhose feet wedding
Elephant nose commencement!
...dude, I don’t even know.

Why don't women wear white tights?
Because they make women look like they’re trying to look like a little girl on Easter Sunday. They also make your legs look stumpy, and make any shoes look ugly.

Where can I wear white pantyhose?
NOWHERE.

I get blisters when I don't wear hose, how do I solve that?
I am glad that you asked! Our commenter eee discussed this in the comments of the last pantyhose post, and we thank her for her wisdom. She told us of her great luck with the Band Aid Blister Block (you can get a coupon on their website right now!), and then while looking it up to try to buy some for myself a few weeks ago, I discovered that Dr. Scholl’s also makes a similar product, Dr. Scholl’s Blister Defense Stick. I bought the Dr. Scholl’s one in my locak drugstore, and in the interests of science, tested it out with some of my shoes that always give me blisters. And lo, it worked! I am a convert.

I hate white tights on women (so do we, so do we)
But how do you feel about them on men? We may have a fellow who'd like to meet you...

My husband wears pantyhoses
We're okay with this, as long as he isn't wearing them with open toed shoes.
(note, this searcher should get together with the searcher from this morning who was looking for something related to pantyhose husband "must wear".)

Do women like men who wear pantyhose?
We're sure some do. But while we believe there's someone out there for everyone, you probably shouldn't mention it on the first date.

Should you wear pantyhose with open toe booties in winter?
You should not wear either of these things in any season.

Can I wear opaque pantyhose with sandals?
NO. NO NO NO.

Do I wear pantyhose with peep toe shoes at my wedding?
NO.

Sarah Palin pantyhose
...

Fat pantyhose ladies
Daisy says: At first I thought this referred to ladies made of pantyhose, but maybe it's actually a search for plus-size hose? With the 'ladies' tacked on to differentiate form the men's pantyhose?

As for me, this search just makes me laugh and laugh. Sometimes I think of it in the middle of the day and laugh.

Are pantyhose and open toed shoes back in?
BACK in? THERE WAS NEVER AN IN TO BE BACK IN.

Should you wear hose with open toe shoes at weddings?
NO.

dirty pantyhose feet
Daisy likes this one, because her tights get discolored from the soles of my shoes, and she doesn't know how to fix it. Readers, any suggestions?

wearing pantyhose for running
Go for it, as long as your sneakers aren't open toed.

Do you wear white pantyhose with all white?
Not unless you are a nurse in the 1950s.

shrunken men lost in pantyhose
We don't want to know. No seriously. Please don't tell us.

Do professional women still wear pantyhose in Chicago?
Winner for most specific search ever! Though I think that the answer is yes to this, because I have a friend who worked in Chicago a few years ago where they were required to wear hose in the summer even when it was unbearably hot. Chicago readers, please tell us if that’s not true.

Women who wear pantyhose when it's hot outside
Was this supposed to end with “...are INSANE!”? Look, it is the middle of July, and in many places that means it's hot as hell. Why would anyone voluntarily wear pantyhose in the extreme heat? It doesn't make you look more put together, and it certainly doesn't make your legs look better, it just makes you look sadly behind the times and that you will need to stand under an air conditioner all day to recover from your brief time outside.

Readers, do you have any other hosiery related questions for us? Even if you don't tell us, we'll see your questions turn up in searches soon, so we're glad to help. We are not pantyhose (wow, that word has lost all meaning now) haters here, we just think that there is a distinct time and a place for them, and that time and place is never when wearing open toed shoes (or, for that matter, shorts -- another thing that we thought we'd never have to say).

Belated note to all of the creepy creepy pantyhose fetishists who keep commenting anonymously to this year+ old post: All of your creepy comments make it less, not more, likely that anyone will ever wear pantyhose again. So keep at it, creepy dudes who like pantyhose, you're doing our work for us!

Tuesday Quickies, Big Geek Edition

2010-07-13T13:12:00.005-04:00

We at Don't Do that Love geeks, and all of the smart smart things that they have brought to our lives. In honor of Embrace your Geekness Day today, here are some links that the geeks of us will love (with a little bit of soccer love to start):

Missing the World Cup? So are we! Don't mourn too much, though, at least we have these fantastic pictures:
The World Cup comes to a close. (The Big Picture)

Don't read this if you haven't read The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo books (but if you have, it's hilarious): The Girl Who Fixed the Umlaut, a spoof on the books by Nora Ephron. (The New Yorker)

Don't want a little cuteness in your life? Then don't click this link:
Red Panda cub born at the National Zoo!

Don't avoid making a cherry pie because you don't have a cherry pitter:
How to pit cherries with an old fork and with a paper clip.

Don't read this if you're a headline writer, you'll die from jealousy.
Sports headlines are probably the most fun to write. (Reuters)

Don't believe that the guy who discovered Pluto went on a game show? Just watch:
Clyde Tombaugh on I've Got a Secret in 1956. (YouTube)

Don't make your bed? No problem!
Untidy beds may keep us healthy. (BBC)

Don't look at this if you really need a new bookshelf, you'll have lust in your heart:
BookShelfPorn.

Don't know that Jen from Cakewreck's has another blog? Well, you do now, and it's lots of geeky fun:
Epbot. And the top post right now is an awesome otter video.

And speaking of cakes: Threadless + cakes = geek love:
Cake contest! (Threadcakes)

Don't think that scientists can rock? Think again!:
Rockin' scientists: NYU brain researchers put down their data sets, and get down with their rock band. (Scientific American

Don't Tell Me Parenthood Sucks

2010-07-12T10:09:00.004-04:00

(Baby Razor laughs at your Science.)

Of course on the morning that I want to write about how being a parent is not as miserable a prospect as the American media seem determined to make it out as, my daughter decides to be a total shit. She's teething, but does she want to chew on the many sanitary, environmentally sound, developmentally appropriate teethers we have for her? No. She wants to chew on the germ-hotbed remote control.

So look, I was going to compile a bunch of articles whose main thesis is Modern parenthood is so awful it will make those years where you were broke, perpetually hungover and living in an apartment where the heat didn't work so you had to sleep in your bathrobe look AWESOME, but I have no idea how long the mini-tyrant is going to nap. So just read this New York Magazine feature, which is the latest and scariest version of the meme that if you want to lead a happy life, you should probably avoid even speaking to children, never mind raising them.

The gist of the article is that the majority of studies show that despite what parents tell you, and even what they themselves believe, science proves that you're less happy after you have a kid than you were before.

I'm not going to call bullshit outright on these studies, but after a lifetime of "Caffeine is bad for you! No good for you! No bad for you!" and "Get mammograms after 40! No don't! No do!" I will admit that I am deeply suspicious of scientific research as reported by the mainstream media.

I mean, I read that whole article and never figured out how the studies defined "happiness," nor how they measured it. Those are things I would have liked to have known, because if you ask me, "Comparing motherhood to your last job, are you more or less happy now?" the answer would be very different compared to if you ask me, "How happy are you right now on a scale of 1 to 10?"

Because as far as I'm concerned, a shrieking, non-verbal boss who regularly poops her pants is preferable to one who calls me by the wrong name for an entire year or stares at my boobs when talking to me or spends six months passive-aggressively ruining my concentration because she wants me to quit so she can hire a friend of hers. And as a stay-at-home-mom I feel like the walls are closing in on me sometimes, sure, but I also felt that way when my days were spent in a six-by-six cubicle in a room with no windows. Actually, I felt that way a lot more in the windowless room.

So is parenthood the best job in the world? No. Anyone who tells you that is either bullshitting or in denial. (For the record, this is the best job in the world.) Sometimes it sucks. Sometimes the kid bites you, or destroys the couch, or bursts into tears and makes you take her to Dairy Queen after she nearly hits a jogger and fails her driver's test (sorry, Mom).

But I finished that New York article and wondered if I'm demonstrably less happy now than I was as a non-parent, should I act more miserable? Should my seemingly-happy friends with children act more miserable? Because we all really like being parents, and we like our kids too. (I took a poll. Very scientific.) Maybe there's a difference between liking your life and being happy. I don't know. All I know is that if you asked me if I was happy being a mother, I would say yes. And if, after rigorous scientific research of my life, you proved that I was not, in fact, as happy as I said I was, I wouldn't be like, "Oh, well, in that case I'd better start telling people I'm actually unhappy! Thank you, Science!"

Sometimes it's okay to believe you're happy and tell science and the media to go screw themselves. I think this is one of those times.

Don'ts For Air Travel

2010-07-09T11:06:00.004-04:00

I’m out of town for a wedding this weekend, and decided earlier in the week that today’s post was going to be all about the idiot things that people do when they’re flying. I was planning on observing closely and taking copious notes so that I would be nicely prepared.

Instead, I spent yesterday morning tearing through the terminal, barefoot, like I was in some kind of “hilarious” scene in a “hilarious” movie. I looked…well, like I was one of those idiots. And why? I’m so glad you asked! That takes me right into the first Don’t.

Don’t Assume You Need Less Time Just Because You Live A Little Closer to the Airport Than You Used To
This was what killed us this morning. My husband – whom I love dearly, I promise – says that he had somehow gotten it into his head that our flight was a full hour later than it actually was, but I am less convinced. What I think is that he…well, he did that, up there. And so, instead of checking in an hour and fifteen minutes before our flight was supposed to leave, we tried to check in half an hour before. Because it was less than 45 minutes before flight time, we couldn’t check a bag, so we made our way to the security line, planning on carrying on our luggage. If we made the flight, which we did not have high hopes for.

Because we had been planning on checking our bag, we had some full-sized products with us and we ended up having to toss them (dumbest TSA rule ever, yes?). Along with various hair products and my husband’s deodorant, I lost an over-half-full bottle of Philosophy face wash. All told, it was probably nearly a hundred bucks worth of stuff – mostly mine.

I made it through security and, as mentioned, booked through the terminal, without putting my shoes back on, while my husband had to go through the whole shebang twice – he piled stuff on top of the laptop, which is frowned upon, and tried to sneak some other hair products through. Eventually, we both made it to the gate and, happily, the flight was running late and there had been two lovely humans who had volunteered to give up their seats, so we were able to get on the flight – though not together – and made it to our destination, mostly intact.

Next time? I’m in charge of when we leave.

Don’t Assume You Belong In The “Expert” Line
Speaking of going through security, you may have noticed that in some airports there are now three line options – Family/Medical, Casual and Expert. No one really wants to get stuck behind the high-maintenance folks in the Family/Medical line, but that does not mean that you should go through the Expert line. If you’re going to forget to take off your shoes, assume that “Remove your belt” doesn’t apply to you, or…well, pile stuff on top of your laptop (HUSBAND), then you need to move to the Casual Traveler line, and let the businessmen plow through. It doesn’t make you less of a person, but it does make people feel less murderous towards you.

Don’t Ignore Simple Directions
Which leads me to this very very easy Don’t. If the nice people in charge at the gate say it’s time for boarding rows 15-22, and you’re in row 12? Just wait your turn. If they say that people with one under-the-seat carryon can board – and they specify that people with roller bags should not board at this time? Don’t try to sneak your roller bag through. You are not that special, I promise.

Don’t Let Your Kids Run Rampant
This is my disclaimer: I do not have kids. I do not know what it is like to travel with kids, but I am well aware that it cannot be easy. I like kids a lot and I tend to give parents a lot of leeway when they’re having to deal with their kids in public. It is stressful and not easy and I admire them for doing it.

However. When you’re stuffed onto an airplane with a hundred people, all of whom are anxious and cranky? Don’t just Think Of The Children. Think of the rest of us, too. I was next to a kid once who screamed and kicked the seat in front of him the whole flight. THE WHOLE FLIGHT. His mom spent the flight with her eyes closed, smiling, pretending to sleep, I assume because she didn’t want to give him the attention he so clearly wanted. Not a bad parenting strategy at home, but a terrible choice on a four hour flight.

Don’t Smell
All that pressurized air is unforgiving. If you absolutely need to be perfumed or cologned, use a light touch. If you’ve been drinking coffee all morning, grab a mint. Wash your hands after your last pre-plane smoke. And please oh please, don’t rip every single perfume ad out of your magazine, open it, rub it on your arm, and then toss it on the floor next to you. Unless, of course, you’re dying to have the barf bag next to you deployed.

All told, air travel does not have to be an entirely unpleasant experience. Show up on time, follow the rules, and use some common sense and courtesy, and we’ll all fly happily together (really, you could just reread this - it all applies). And, come to think of it, those are excellent rules for life in general, aren't they?

(And, of course, please keep your motherfucking snakes off that motherfucking plane.)

Don't Forget to Get Your AC Serviced

2010-07-08T06:02:00.003-04:00

Otherwise you may find yourself standing in your living room in your underwear, holding the "Important Reminder!" postcard from the service company, asking if they can come as soon as possible, because your air conditioning has just died in the middle of the worst heat wave you can remember.

And then you have to spend the day at your in-laws so the baby doesn't melt, and when you get home there are five industrial fans in your 900 square foot apartment because your husband went a little insane at Home Depot, and you don't fall asleep until midnight, and the baby is up at 5 a.m. because she's thirsty, and you're sweating again by 6 a.m.

The real bitch of it is that we move in eleven days. A week and a half! The weather or the AC couldn't have waited until July 20?

All right, a little more advice before I go back to trying not to pass out from heat exhaustion: Don't wear white shorts and a hot pink thong. Not for your sake; for mine. I never need to know that much about someone's ass. I think I'll make that my slogan, in fact. Your ass: I don't need to know about it.

Don't Write Profanities On Your Fingernail in Court

2010-07-07T14:54:00.004-04:00

Picture courtesy of Gawker

God really? Really? We have to say this? Okay.

There are many bad things that people wear or do in court. Ripped clothing, shorts, tank tops, miniskirts (especially bad when you're the lawyer), very visible tattoos, we've seen them all. That picture up there? That takes the cake. Let me be clear: when you're the defendant, and you had a DUI charge, and you're on probation, repeatedly didn't do your court ordered alcohol classes, and you have a court date with a judge who is at the end of her rope, the very LAST thing that you should do is write "Fuck U" on your middle finger. DON'T DO THAT.

Among the many many other problems with this...I mean, GOD, she couldn't even spell out the YOU?

Lindsay, the three of us at Don't Do That have been some of your biggest fans, so every time you do something crazy, it just makes us even sadder than in this post. But good lord. Please, Lindsay, go to jail, then go to rehab, and make your hair red again, and stop making us feature pictures of you. Because you make us sad.

Tuesday Quickies: Back to Work Edition

2010-07-06T09:00:00.003-04:00

We hope all of our American readers enjoyed the holiday weekend. Don't Do That's east coast headquarters is recovering from too much sun, food, and furniture shopping (we recently bought a house and just realized that it looks awfully empty since we own, like, three bookcases and a crib.) Frankly, we hope your holiday weekend involved more booze than ours.

Have some links to ease you into the work week.

Don't get caught daydreaming of a Roman holiday:
Panoramic tour of the Sistine Chapel (The resolution is amazing, and there are no Vatican guards shushing you like at the real thing.)

Don't forget to plan ahead if you want to rent a country:
Snoop Dogg tries to rent entire country of Liechtenstein

Don't put anything like this in your query letters:
Slush Pile Hell

I don't have any jokes better than the headline:
Chatroulette plans penis-recognition algorithm to ban pervy users

Sweet Jesus, don't eat this:
French fry coated bacon on a stick (The ads on the page are the piece de resistance)

Don't expect a reply:
Letters to Dead People

Don't sunbathe in the graveyard:
Really Extreme Makeovers

Don't forget to vote, baseball fans:
All-Star Game Final Vote (Top of the page. If you don't care, VOTE YOUKILIS and Daisy will send you cookies. For real.)

Christ, Nike, have you not been paying attention? Don't forget that women are fans too:
Where are all the female soccer fans? (Shoutout to our awesome reader Amanda, whose blog, Needs More Kittens is quoted in that post)

Don't judge me for laughing at this:
Hey, you: Bring back the handjob (I thought Daulerio's whole day at Jezebel was hysterical, to tell you the truth)

Don't Take Trash Talk Personally. Take Two.

2010-07-02T07:00:00.002-04:00

This was originally posted at the end of the Olympics, but it's been a crazy week over here at Don't Do That, so we're taking a look back to March. At that point, the three of us had spent two weeks immersing ourselves in sports that we totally did not understand - much like what we've done over the last month or so of the World Cup - and had also been doing some trash talk. If you're not a regular sports fan, this may come as a shock to you, and so we are here to tell you, if you're going to remain a sports fan outside of the feel-good-ness of global events like the Olympic Games and the World Cup, Don't Take Trash Personally

Back in March, we were - okay fine, I was - involved in a bit of an internet kerfuffle. To start with, emotions were already running high and there was some shit-talking going on (on both sides) about that USA - Canada gold medal hockey game. Some of the problem was that a few of the people involved in the conversations clearly weren't used to being on A Side in a sporting contest and were a bit taken aback by all the partisan noise. A hint for those folks? Cheering for your team and against their opponent is not bad sportsmanship. It's part of loving sports and, if you want to get all Olympic or World Cup about it, part of loving your country. And if you're going to love sports, you have to develop a thicker skin.

(Note: This is taking it a tad too far.)

Here's an example. I don't know where you're reading from, but if you're anywhere in the Midwest, you likely understand a little bit of the hatred between Wisconsin and Minnesota, specifically the University of Wisconsin Badgers and the University of Minnesota Gophers. I happened to go to my first Gopher hockey game at two months old, own a button that says "I Cheer For Minnesota And Anyone Playing Wisconsin," and my dad told my sister and I that we could attend college - which he would pay for - anywhere. Except Wisconsin, upon penalty of death and financial ruin. Even adding my name to the mailing list - jokingly - would have likely given my dear father heart failure. (As it was, he ended up with heart failure five years later, but I don't think it can be blamed on Wisconsin. If it could, it would be, trust me.) However! My grandparents, who I love fiercely, met while students at Wisconsin and my grandpa (who is almost 87) remains a Badger - and Packer, God forbid - fan. We talk shit to each other all the time - as much as you can talk shit with a grandparent, of course - but we don't take it seriously or personally. In fact, when I asked at Thanksgiving if my grandfather had a sweatshirt I could borrow, he gleefully told me he had "just the one!" and pulled out his red and grey Wisconsin hoodie.

But Roxy, you say. That is a family member! Of course you guys can tease each other with no hurt feelings! And that is true. But it's also true that, when Daisy told her Yankee-fan best friend that she was thinking of getting married at Fenway Park, her friend told her that was great, but that she was going to wear a pinstripe dress. And it's true that Brownie and a friend got into it when her team (Niners!) beat his in the playoffs, but that was many playoff seasons ago, and they're still pals. One of my best friends cheers for a different Big Ten school than I do, but since they suck at the sport I care about, and because my school sucks at the sports she cares about, it's generally not too big a deal. I have family members that are die-hard Cubs and Bears fans (I heart the Twins and the Vikings, but please don't ask me about Brett Favre), best friends who are Blackhawks fans, and a husband who lives and dies with the Broncos.

But when you're a fan of a team whose coach gets caught on camera making this gesture at the officials (if that's the coach, just imagine the players), a team whose linebacker gave his own tight end brain damage and crushed his eye socket (and that's just the beginning of that particular rap sheet), or even a team that is just obnoxious in all its "glory", you should probably be prepared to have some vitirol thrown at you. And really? Throw some back! I would be shocked and even disappointed if I was spouting my mouth off to Badger - or Sioux or Packer or Canadian hockey - fan and they didn't spout back with cracks about my team's goofy name, our inconsistency, the Mullet, or whatever other shit people are saying about Minnesota teams these days. (But hey, at least we can take some smack talk. Wisconsin.)

Just because we're not on the same side during the game doesn't mean that we hate each other as people. We can respect each other as fans, without loving - or even respecting - the team that the other person cheers for. That's part of the fun of loving sports! You can get overly emotional, hyperbolic and melodramatic about something that has nothing to do with you and that you have no control over. It's a wonderful respite from the real world, but only if you are able to tell yourself that at the end of the day, it's just a game - for you and for the fans on the other side of the field.

So if you've found a team that you've decided to follow (I recommend the Gophers, of course) but if in a week or a month or this weekend, depending on how the rest of the World Cup goes for you - you find yourself getting your feelings hurt by someone who's pointing out the cheap hits or crappy goaltending or nepotism of your team, just stop, think about what keeps you a fan of this team, and don't take it personally. (And talk some smack back!)

Don't Question My Love for Sports

2010-06-30T12:11:00.004-04:00

As you can see from our recent posts, we here at Don't Do That have gotten very into the World Cup, even though our beloved USA team went down to defeat by the better defense and better acting abilities of the Ghana team. We love it for the constant action, the crazy athletic abilities involved in running around a field continuously for 90 minutes with one short break, for the amazing goals and often even more amazing saves, and the crazy personalities involved. Currently, a popular feminist blog is running a World Cup feature that's all about how hot the players are, which is pretty much their sole discussion about the World Cup. Do we think that the players are hot? Oh, yes we do. Do we like it when they take their shirts off at the end of a match? Oh, we like that too! Is that why we watch the World Cup, or any other soccer game? No.

I've been watching football (the American version) since I was a little kid. I distinctly remember The Catch, I lost my voice yelling at the TV during a number of tight games, and I stood up and made the touchdown sign as the sole 49er fan in a Washington D.C. sports bar during the amazing Young to Owens moment during the playoffs (and still have kind of fond feelings towards Terrell Owens because of that, despite all of his crazy). I love sports for the amazing moments like those, the breakaway runs, the insane interceptions run back for touchdowns, the unpredictability, and the crazy personalities.

Sports has brought us Chad OchoCinco and his delightful twitter feed, that crazy 10+ hour long tennis match at Wimbledon last week, and the hilarious live blog that went along with it, the Miracle on Ice, and that completely impossible and unbelievable comeback by the Red Sox in 2004.

At awkward family moments, instead of talking about the weather, we talk about sports. My uncles and cousins and I argue 49ers vs. Raiders, my mom gets outraged every time a field goal kicker misses a kick and insists that she could do it better, my best friend's husband (who has very different political views than I do) and I bond over the NFL draft, our fantasy football teams, and how much we despise Ben Roethlisberger. I have met so many strangers in the past few weeks as we crowd around TVs at lunchtime and during coffee breaks to watch the World Cup, I high fived people on the street after the US victory last week, and I've had long conversations with random people in bars that started with "What's the score?"

Sports is pure fun (when it's not pure misery), it's built from incredible athleticism, and bold and distinct personalities, and it has this way of bringing people together. If you question that? Just watch the video below. Sports, we love you, in all of your forms, and for so many reasons.

Tuesday Quickies: We Love Sports edition

2010-06-29T14:06:00.003-04:00

Don't think this makes the Yankees any less lame. The Yankees had a mascot...for three seasons.

Don't leave your lipgloss at home when you go to a game, you never know what can happen. The Mariners bullpen catcher marries a woman he saw in the stands. Awwww!

Don't diss the vuvuzela. Classical music on a vuvuzela.

Don't forget that athletes can actually be amazing human beings. Great story about Didier Drogba.

Athletes as amazing human beings, part two: Mourning Manute Bol.

Don't hesitate to buy your phone at at thrift store, you never know what you might find: Man buys old phone filled with athletes numbers.

Don't love Benny? You will now: Mmmmmmm, Benny Feilhaber.

Don't pause this video if you don't want to crack up: Benny lip-syncs Jordan Sparks.

Don't forget that "nude" clothing comes in lots of colors: Venus Williams at the US Open.

Don't think that women can't do crazy stunts too: Seven women daredevils through history.

Don't Taunt Us

2010-06-28T15:33:00.002-04:00

We're all a little sad here at Don't Do That headquarters after the USA loss to Ghana on Saturday. That said, we're all about our love of sports this week, so stay tuned for posts all week about how sports are awesome. And Ghana fans, don't even start with us right now.

Don't Be THAT Music Fan

2010-06-25T07:00:00.002-04:00

I love music. Some of the music I love is great and some of it is cheerfully terrible. Some of it is better than you think it is (seriously, Miley Cyrus does have some redeeming musical qualities, and I know you think Hanson are just those weird kids from "MmmBop," but they're actually fantastic musicians - and hilarious, it turns out), and some of it is just as mindless and bad as it seems (Ke$ha, anyone?). I'm not hard to please, though, and when someone puts out music that I like, I tend to stick with them and see what comes next. I figure if they've gotten my attention, I can trust them enough to hang around for a bit.

This has paid off in dividends for me. I've gotten to get to know some wonderful artists and have been able to be genuinely surprised and pleased by the way that creativity evolves over the course of people's careers. Even someone like Cyndi Lauper, who I've been listening to since I was about four, managed to surprise me this month by putting out a blues album.

Am I weird? Am I the only one who appreciates change in the musicians that I listen to? Because the last few weeks, I've heard a lot of bitching about the new Christina Aguilera album, which is just the most recent example of this. Lots of, "But I LOOOOOOVED Back To Basics! She should have stuck with that!" I mean, y'all. That was four years ago. Four years ago, Christina was a newly-married 25-year-old. She's now been married almost five years and has a toddler. Her life has changed - why is it not okay that her music has changed? Were people this pissy when Back To Basics came out, four years and lightning years away from Stripped? I don't think so, and I'm not quite sure why. Is it because her Back To Basics "image" was so much less threatening? Are we burned out on blondes with great voices making electro-dance pop? Or do we just want to keep her in a nice little easy compartment where she makes sense and isn't challenging? Because I don't think we have a lot of room to say, "But it's so NOT HER." How on earth do we know that?

Is this a female thing? People complain all the time about how much Muse sucks now that they've gotten popular - without mentioning the fact that they've made the exact same album five times. (As Daisy says, "I mean, I like that album, but it's not like the quality can go down when it's the same thing every time.") Matt Nathanson makes the same album over and over, and I'm pretty sure that the last Dave Matthews Band studio album sounds just like their studio albums from the late 90s.

I just finished reading (for the second time) the book Girls Like Us, which chronicles the lives and careers of Carole King, Joni Mitchell and Carly Simon (it's fascinating and I highly recommend it). Even Carole King, who had a much more brilliant songwriting career than most of us realize, has spent the forty years following the release of Tapestry dealing with the fact that she's apparently supposed make...another one. Isn't that boring? Wouldn't we be BORED by another Tapestry? I'll take the Really Rosie soundtrack over a warmed-over Tapestry attempt any day, and stick with the original Tapestry, thank you very much.

(And yes, I realize that I'm leaving out the most obvious example of them all - Her Madgesty, Madonna. But there is so much to be said about her, and so many ways her career can be analyzed, that that's a post all by itself.)

So the next time you decide to throw a fit when a musician that you like makes a new album that sounds different than her last one? Just stop, think about how even-more-awesome Ani DiFranco got when she started writing about falling in love...with a dude (Dilate, anyone?), and don't forget to give them the benefit of the doubt.

Don't Question my Patriotism: USA USA USA

2010-06-23T10:30:00.005-04:00

I really really really hate getting up in the morning, as anyone who has ever known me or been my roommate will be able to tell you. I live on the West Coast, where World Cup games start at 4:30 am. The USA game going on right now started at 7, which is 30 minutes before my alarm goes off, and 45 minutes before I actually ever get out of bed. Also, it will end at approximately the time I should be arriving at work, which is about 35 minutes away. And yet, I pulled myself out of bed when my alarm went off today at 6:55, and am now sitting anxious on the couch yelling at the ref for that BULLSHIT call just now. And I will likely be late to work, because this damn game is stressful. But that is because I love America, so suck it, Sarah Palin, those of us on the coasts are patriots too.

And I can tell that my neighbors are all watching too, since the buzz of the vuvuzela is coming from the house next door.

45 more minutes. USA USA USA!

ETA: Now with updated picture of the GOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLL

Tuesday Quickies: Our Favorite Things Edition

2010-06-22T08:58:00.002-04:00

We wanted to do something special for our 100th post, so we decided to emulate the Queen of All Media, Oprah, and give you some of our favorite things, where "our favorite things" equal "stuff on the internet that makes us happy," because happiness is free and easy to share.

Which is good, because we're broke and (sadly) not queens of anything. But believe us, if this whole blog thing takes off? It's cars and cashmere track suits for all of you.

Staff favorites:

Twitter, for all its capacity and Beiber issues, is home to some brilliantly entertaining people. We love Busy Phillipps, Mindy Kaling, Chad OchoCinco, Roger Ebert (who is, like, King of Twitter at this point), Neil Patrick Harris, Nicole Richie, and noted astrophysicist (and Daisy's Science Boyfriend) Neil DeGrasse Tyson.

Oh No They Didn't Yes, yes: it's a wretched hive of scum and villainy. But it also makes us laugh until we choke and brings us the best GIFs and marcos (see above) in addition to all the celeb gossip.

Our snark role models: Go Fug Yourself and Tom & Lorenzo

Daisy's favorites:

Silk Road to Nowhere. Louisa's travels in Central Asia, including Iran, Georgia, India, and many countries whose names end in -stan. Her writing and photography are amazing and evocative. It's the next best thing to visiting this gorgeous and often misunderstood part of the world.

Etsy. Nothing cheers me up on a gray day more than searching something like "Grace Kelly" and finding a handmade replica of her wedding dress. Oh sure, it's great for finding gifts and unique clothes and housewares, but it's also great fun just to browse the amazing things people make.

Elon James White, who makes race and politics funny, thank god, because I usually just find them depressing. Go watch his This Week in Blackness videos. I'll wait.

LegAndDairy I don't really know how to describe this one, partly because I am an old lady and don't actually understand how Tumblr works. It's the blog of Gingerslam2, who makes my favorite ONTD posts, and it's like she's posting directly from my Id. I guess if I had to sum it up, I'd say "Hot boys and caps lock."

Brownie's favorites:

Think Geek, for their brilliant April Fool's products and for publishing the best cease & desist letter ever.

Meg Cabot's blog is a total delight.

538.com for political pollish stuff and somehow making statistics entertaining. Right now he's doing World Cup odds, which is awesome.

David Lebovitz. I went to a fantastic chocolate store in Paris thanks to one of his posts and have made lots of his recipes. And his recipe for a tart shell where you melt the butter first is a revelation and works perfectly (and is so impressive).

I love Chowhound, where I get many restaurant and cooking tips.

Roxy's favorites:

THE VUVUZELA HORN Because that shit is amazing and makes me giggle every time.

Kate_Elizabeth's Flickr is fantastic. She's a gorgeous photographer, using lots of different types of film, and her descriptions are almost blog-like. (For example)

The Kim Hutt double feature of What Claudia Wore and What Chuck Wore makes me laugh all the time, although she hasn't updated Chuck in almost a year, WOE.

And speaking of things that make me laugh - Texts From Last Night, though it's not deep or meaningful, is always a riot.

I've been known to waste hours playing Penguin Baseball. And I just discovered that there's also Bloody Penguin Baseball, which I thought I was going to hate, but which is actually kind of awesome.

Thank you all so much for reading. We're excited to bring you 100 more rants on pop culture, parenthood, sports, food, fashion, and all sorts of other things you shouldn't do.

Don't Wear This!

2010-06-21T08:53:00.009-04:00

So I've actually had a link to the above abomination for a while now. I was going to put it in the Quickies but figured there was no hurry, because honestly, it was so ridiculous that any horror over it would be purely academic. No one was actually going to wear something called half-pants, right?

Right?

Well, apparently I need to stop underestimating the bad taste of the masses, because I saw a woman wearing those suckers last week. Unfortunately, I was on the bus and didn't get a picture, so you'll just have to take my word for it. They had the miniscule improvement of being all black instead of multi-patterned, but were otherwise very clearly a terrifying shorts-pants hybrid.

I immediately emailed Brownie and Roxie with the question, "This is a sign of the apocalypse, right?"

Roxie responded, "At what point do 'Signs of the Apocalypse' just become THE APOCALYPSE? Because I think we're there."

That's right: forget the earthquakes, tornados and that pesky catastrophic oil spill. This unholy alliance of two forms of legwear is the true beginning of the end times.

(Brownie's response was succinct: "OH MY GOD. DON'T DO THAT DON'T DO THAT DON'T DO THAT.")

Look, I know none of our confident and stylish regular readers are going to make this grave sartorial mistake, but people sometimes find us through keyword searches, so for those of you surfing in: Do. Not. Wear. Half. Pants. Think of the tan lines! The potential for chafing! Strangers asking if you couldn't afford the whole pair of pants! The hideous wrongness of having one leg hanging out and the other covered! Just pick shorts or pants. It's not that difficult.

Don't Miss Game Seven

2010-06-18T07:00:00.000-04:00

By the time you read this, the NBA Champion will have been crowned. Maybe it was the team you were rooting for and maybe it wasn’t (but you were rooting for the team without the rapist, right? RIGHT?), but one thing is for sure - Game Sevens are a treat, no matter what the outcome.

I could not possibly care less about basketball. I have no use for it during the regular season, I barely pay attention to it through the playoffs, and March Madness mostly just annoys me because it gets in the way of the college playoffs that actually matter (hockey, for those of you who are new).

But all bets are off during Game Seven - I’ve been watching this game all night, banishing my husband to the basement, and the first elimination episode of So You Think You Can Dance (one of the highlights of my summer) to the Tivo. Has this game been a highlight of offensive power? No. (I maybe only know that because the commentators have told me so.) Is it SO TENSE and EXCITING here at the end? You bet.

So no matter what the sport, even if its something that you don’t give even a tiny rat’s ass about, if you’re a sports fan? Don’t miss Game 7.

Don't be afraid to make a pie

2010-06-16T13:12:00.007-04:00

Don't be afraid to make a pie

I love pie. Just the word PIE sounds like it is full of cozy and satisfying promise. And do you know what is even better than regular pie? A pie that you made with your very own hands. So many people are afraid of making pie, but I promise you, if you keep a few techniques and tips in mind, it is not hard! And since it is now summer, the perfect time to make a fantastic fruit pie, I am here to tell you don't be afraid to make a pie! You can make something totally delicious and impressive, and everyone will be amazed that you made it all yourself, crust and all.

First, let's talk about the crust. Before talking about specific recipes, here are a few notes and techniques that you need to keep in mind before making any pie dough.

1. Give yourself enough time: making a pie crust isn't the kind of thing that you want to rush through. Actually putting together the dough takes only a little while, and just a few minutes if you have a food processor, but it is essential to give the dough time to rest and chill in the fridge after you put it together and before you try to do anything with it. If you want to test this out, try taking a little piece of your dough and try rolling it out immediately after it all comes together, and then try doing it after it has an hour in the fridge: you'll see a big difference.

2. Keep everything as cold as possible!: Start with cold (ideally frozen) butter and whatever other fat you're using, use ice water, and if you can, pop your flour in the freezer for a little while before putting everything together. You want the fat to melt in the oven (that's what makes everything nice and flaky), not before.

3. Parchment paper is your friend: If you lay down a sheet of parchment paper on top of whatever surface you're rolling on, you don't have to worry as much about the dough sticking, and you have to use less flour (though you should still use a little).

Second, let's talking about the filling. Peach pie is awesome, as is apple, but the easiest thing to start off with, especially at this time of year, is a berry pie. You can go with all of one berry (blueberry, raspberry, strawberry, blackberry, olallieberry, etc.) or you could do a mixed berry pie. The general recipe for any good berry pie is about 6 cups of berries to 1/2 cup of sugar (give or take a little sugar depending on the sweetness of the berries), the juice of half a lemon, and three tablespoons of cornstarch. Combine the berries, sugar, and lemon juice in a bowl, toss gently and let it all sit for about ten minutes. Then add in the cornstarch, toss again, and add to the pie pan. Dot the berries with butter (about 2 tablespoons, cut into little pieces) Cover up the pie and bake! For specific baking instructions (or if you're using a purchased pie dough), jump to instruction 4. below.

Now for pie dough recipes!

A traditional all butter pie crust is usually the most recommended (and here's a standard recipe for one). But honestly, I find all butter crusts to be a pain in the ass to work with; they stick to everything, they're really hard to roll out, and they just end up getting me frustrated. Don't get me wrong, I love the taste of butter (oh, I really do), but for pie crusts, the all butter dough is enough to turn a virgin pie baker away from ever making a pie again.

But I do have a perfect pie dough recipe: it comes together in a few minutes, it's easy for even a brand new baker, it rolls out like you're demonstrating on the Martha Stewart show, and it tastes great and goes with just about every kind of fruit pie you can think of. It uses a combination of butter and cream cheese, and it's fantastic. You can also use more or less this same recipe but substitute lard for the cream cheese, but that depends how into lard you are. Thanks go to Rose Levy Beranbaum for this, and an adapted version of her recipe is below (from the Pie and Pastry Bible). However, mostly now when I make it, I use her same method, but the general measurements from Michael Ruhlman's Ratio, with about two thirds butter and one third cream cheese. Ratio was a book all about measuring by weight and the right ratios of cooking: he says that a pie dough is a 3/2/1 ratio, so three parts flour, two parts fat, and one part water (use your kitchen scale for this if you have one); you generally need a little less water than that, though, so for a 1 crust 9 inch pie it's about 210 grams flour, 140 grams fat (90 butter, 50 cream cheese), and 60 grams water. Double that for a double crust pie; it usually gives me a little dough leftover, but dough leftover is better than not enough!

Flaky Cream Cheese Pie Crust

For a 9 inch crust double crust pie
12 tablespoons or 6 ounces butter
2 cups or 10 oz flour
1/4 teaspoons salt
1/4 teaspoons baking powder
4.5 ounces cream cheese
2 tablespoons ice water
1 tablespoons cider vinegar

1. Cut the butter into small cubes, wrap it in plastic wrap and freeze it until frozen solid, at least 30 minutes. Place the flour, salt, and baking powder in a recloseable gallon size freezer bag and freeze for at least 30 minutes. Place the flour mixture in a food processor with the metal blade and process for a few seconds to combine. Set the bag aside. If you don't have a food processor, shake the closed bag with the flour mixture in it, or you can pour it into a bowl and toss with your fingers.

2. Cut the cream cheese into a few pieces and add it to the flour. In the food processor, process for about 20 seconds or until the mixture resembles coarse meal. Add the frozen butter cubes and pulse until none of the butter is larger than the size of a pea. Remove the cover and add the water and vinegar. Pulse until most of the butter the size of small peas. At this point you can either process it for a few more seconds until it all holds together, or put about half of it into a bowl, knead with your hands until it forms a ball, put that ball to the side and do the rest with the rest of the dough. Then wrap each ball with plastic wrap, flatten into two discs and refrigerate for at least 45 minutes.

3. If you don't have a food processor, whisk the dry ingredients to combine, then add the cream cheese and rub between your fingers to blend into the flour. Then spoon it with the cold butter into the freezer bag, and close it, expelling any air. Use a rolling pin to flatten the butter into thin flakes. Then put it back into a bowl and sprinkle with the water and vinegar, and toss lightly with a rubber spatula, and do the kneading from above. This dough also freezes really well, so at this point you can wrap it well, and put it in the freezer, and just pull it out and defrost in the fridge whenever you want to make pie.

4. After the dough has rested, preheat your oven to 400, roll out each half to about a 12 inch circle (you want plenty of room around the edges). To transfer the circle into your pie pan, fold it gently into fourths, then put the point of the fold in the middle of the pan, and gently unfold and press it down. At this point, cover the pan and put it back in the fridge for about 30 minutes. Then add your filling, cover up the pie with the rolled out dough of your other disc of dough, press the edges of the pie together with your fingers, cut a few slashes in the top crust to let the hot air come out, and refrigerate again for about 30 minutes. You can also do pretty things with lattice crusts at this point, which I love.

5. Then put it in your hot oven (with aluminum foil underneath to catch any drips) and bake for 25 minutes, then turn down the heat to 350 F and bake for another 40 minutes. If your crust starts getting too brown on the edges, put aluminum foil around the top to keep it from browning more. Then let it cool, and you have a beautiful pie!

You should also follow along on the Good Food blog this summer, as Evan Kleiman does the Pie A Day project again. I got a ton of ideas from all of the pies that she made last summer.

The pictures are from a rhubarb pie that I made last summer. Yay for pie!

Tuesday Quickies: Just Plain Cool Edition

2010-06-15T09:53:00.005-04:00

Good morning! Hey, you know how baby sign language is supposed to help you communicate with your baby before she can speak? Do any of you know the sign for "Please stop waking up every two hours; Mommy's caffeine intake is reaching toxic levels?" No? Bummer.

Anyway. Enjoy some links that defy categorization.

Don't look at this if cemeteries and/or caterpillar invasions creep you out:
Not just creepy...The cemetery that has gone all crawly too (Daily Mail)

Don't worry; you're not the only one who's sad that this festival lineup will never happen:
Wyckyd Sceptre Rocks Again! (Not A Real Thing)

Don't eat the throw pillows:
Hamburger Scatter Cushions (YumSugar)

Don't deny the Beckham Face:
David Beckham's Matchface: A Gallery (Yahoo Sports)

Don't read these before your shower. You will want to scrub for days:
The Dirty Secrets of Bathtime and The Dirty Half-Dozen: Six Filthy Aristocrats (Times Online)

Don't drink any of these things:
Harmful Drinks in America (World of Mysteries)

Don't mess with Gaga. Her underwear will electrocute you:
How often do you see this backstage at a popshow? (Lady Gaga's Twitter)

Don't buy all of these awesome movie posters. Save a few for me:
Nate Black's Shop (Etsy)

Don't put off that trip to the dentist:
Why it's so hard to tell which tooth has the ache (Wired)

Don't think Betty White is the first badass grandma:
7 Most Mind-Blowing She-Daredevils in History (Environmental Graffiti)

I Don't Care That It's Photoshopped...

2010-06-14T10:24:00.003-04:00

This is the awesomest picture I've seen this year:

(It didn't even occur to me that this was 'shopped, by the way. Even though I was sitting there going, "Why were they watching soccer around a conference table? On a Saturday afternoon? In suits?" I finally decided maybe they were in the middle of a meeting about whether or not we're allowed to nuke BP headquarters and the Beckham!face was part of the Powerpoint presentation.)

Yes, Do that! Wedding Couple edition

2010-06-11T14:52:00.002-04:00

And to close out Wedding Week, here are some things that the Wedding Couple should do! We're not going to get into the "Write thank you notes!" "Tip your caterers!" "Bustle your dress!" things, because everyone tells you that. These are the things that wedding couples have done that have made the weddings that we have attended and been a part of the most enjoyable and memorable (in the best ways).

Please, whatever you do, Do feed your guests. Not, you know, during the ceremony, but there is often a lot of standing and waiting around between the ceremony and when the wedding couple makes their grand entrance, and the best weddings that I've been to always make sure that there are some things to nosh on for guests then. It doesn't matter if you're having a super formal church wedding, or a relaxed backyard barbeque wedding -- people can get grumpy and impatient when they're waiting, but no one cares if someone is wandering around with a plate of bruschetta, or if there's a big pitcher of sangria and some delicious cheese, or a pile of samosas in the lobby (Indian weddings are the best). It may sound silly that you have to make sure that people have snacks at all times, but it's just practical: everyone is in a better mood when they're eating good food. Plus, it gives your guests something to do instead of just waiting for you to arrive, which means that you can relax, have that snack that we talked about for yourself, and take your pictures, and not stress about getting back to the reception asap. Especially if you have any elderly people or children around, they are much less likely to get tired and uncomfortable and therefore irritable if they can relax with a treat (and a cocktail at this point would be lovely too, because nothing is more fun than Grandma with a cocktail when she's already in a good mood). (The cocktail is obviously not for the kids).

And speaking of kids: while we told the wedding guests on Monday not to bring their kids if they aren't invited, one thing that the wedding couple should do is make it clear whether kids are invited or not. If you're not inviting kids, how do you do that in a nice way, you ask? Well, the standard is that whoever is on the invitation is invited, so if it's invited to Mr. and Mrs. Manners, then only those two are invited, but if it's invited to Mr. and Mrs. Manners and family, then the whole family is invited. But some people don't get that, so that's what the wedding website is good for; you can put a note saying that while you love children, it's an adults only event, and give names of babysitters that you know of for out of town guests who are visiting. And if you do invite kids, having a kid zone with some bubbles or not too noisy toys at the wedding is always a big hit.

One of the most important things for the wedding couple to do is Do remember the point of the day. People will try to make the wedding about your shoes, or if your hair should be up or down, or where you're registered, or who bought you the biggest present, or whether you should serve beef or salmon, etc. etc. Sure, it's a party, and you're wearing a great dress, or a fabulous new tux, and you're thinking about the food and the tablecloths and all of that, but the real point of your wedding is that you're in front of everyone you love, and you're pledging to marry your best friend. That is a wonderful and happy and joyful thing, and everyone who is there is there because they are thrilled for you and your new spouse.

And finally, Do have fun! The best weddings that I've been to are the ones where the wedding couple partied with us all night long, and thoroughly enjoyed themselves. Don't spend all of your time taking pictures -- how fun is it to look back at the pictures and say "Oh, that's when we stood there in the church...oh yeah, and that's when we stood there by the water...OH, that's where we stood by the FLOWERS!"? No, it's the most fun to look back at the time that you danced like a fool in your fabulous dress with your Uncle Leo, or saw the two flower girls spinning around in their dresses, or laughed when all of your friends from college made you sing that song that you always sang at 3 am in the dorms. Your goal should be to have an awesome time at your wedding, because if you do, we all will. Happy June, everyone!

Don'ts for the Wedding Party

2010-06-10T17:00:00.003-04:00

Wedding Week continues! Today, some Don'ts for the bridal party.

Being part of a bridal party can be stressful, especially on your wallet. You're dropping money on a dress that you might hate, shoes that kill your feet, plus travel and hotel costs, not to mention helping to throw a shower and/or a bachelor(ette) party (but not necessarily a gift). But at the end of it, you're standing next to someone you love while they get married, right? So.

Don't tell the bride her dress is ugly.
It's one thing if you're part of her entourage when she's dress shopping, and she puts on some insanely poofy montsrosity that is so not her. At that point, give her the thumbs down and help her get out of it as fast as possible. But if she's gone through the whole Say Yes To The Dress rigamarole, paid out the nose (or not), gotten it fitted - or had it handmade by a family member, ESPECIALLY if she's had it handmade by a family member - and you still don't like it? Don't say anything! She's made her choice, she loves the dress, and hearing from you that you think it's ugly or not flattering or too sparkly or not sparkly enough or totally tacky is just going to hurt her feelings and put a big giant damper on what is supposed to be one of the best days of her life. And maybe your friendship, too. Do you really want to risk that?

Don't make it all about you.
I know, I know. Yesterday we told the bride not to go running around, hollering about how TODAY IS HER DAY! But guess what? It kind of is. What it definitely is not is your day. So don't make it all about how you look in your dress, or how badly the makeup person screwed up your eyeliner, or your own personal drama with the bride or the groom or the maid of honor or the DJ. This isn't just true on the day of the wedding, by the way. I went to a shower once where we were all asked to give the bride a piece of advice, and one of the attendees wrote basically a paragraph about how she had no advice because she wasn't married and would never get married and was going to die an old spinster. NO. THAT IS NOT OKAY.

Don't be inappropriate in your toast.
There's an episode of How I Met Your Mother where Ted is working on his Best Man toast for Marshall and Lily's wedding. His first draft involves, among other things, drinking all night and Marshall and Lily having sex in a bathroom. When Marshall protests, Ted sarcastically writes another toast, wherein everyone takes shots of chocolate milk and Marshall and Lily...hold hands in a bathroom. Ted thinks his point is made - that it's impossible to write a good toast when someone "censoring [you]!" What Ted eventually figures out is that it's not about censorship, it's about being able to read a room and understand the occasion. You're speaking at an event that involves college drinking buddies, true, but also the groom's great-grandmother. And the bride's born-again uncle. And probably some kids (unless they're not invited - go read Monday's post again). So don't tell that story about the happy couple meeting while they were wasted at the bar, or about the stripper from the bachelor party, or about your own colorful sexual past with one - or both! - of the newlyweds. There are a lot of really lovely sentiments you can express without needing a Viewer Advisory Warning beforehand. Even Ted eventually figured this out. And the cliche of "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all" is especially valid here - if you hate your friend's new partner, just sit there and drink your wine and keep your mouth shut. A passive-aggressive toast is fun for no one.

Also, keep it short.

And so, attempting to take my own advice (hah), that will wrap it up for today. But also, read Monday's post. Yes AGAIN. All of that goes double for you, members of the bridal party - keep a lid on your liquor consumption, don't talk shit and leave the kids at home.

Tomorrow: Crafty stuff and finally, some Dos!

Don't Deny Democracy: This week's poll

2010-06-10T10:21:00.002-04:00

One of our favorite things about Don't Do That's reader stats is looking at the search terms that bring people here, even though many of them are about pantyhose. The best one so far has also been the most baffling:

Don't do that, then you have no pie and guilty neighbors.

That is amazing. It reads like the plot summary of a movie we would totally pay money to see.

We have no idea what it means, but that's where you come in. Vote in the poll to your right, and next Thursday we'll come up with a short story based on the winning scenario. OR if you have an idea that we didn't think of? Post it in the comments! We welcome all rational (and irrational) explanations.

Don'ts for the Wedding Couple

2010-06-09T12:30:00.008-04:00

Don't let this be you.

Welcome to the third day of Wedding week on Don't Do That! We started Monday with Don'ts for Wedding Guests, and I am here to give you Don'ts for the Wedding Couple. Though I am the unmarried member of the DDT team, I have been to many many weddings, and I will tell you from experience that the ones that are the most memorable in the bad way are because of something crazy that a member of the wedding couple (or bridal party) did.

The most important one is this: please, please, Don't get sloppy drunk. We all know why it happens, you're stressed all day, you're rushing around, you don't eat anything, and then people start handing you champagne. But a happy and nicely tipsy bride hugging everyone is one thing, a falling down drunk bride throwing up in the bathroom is another*. And your grandma doesn't need to see you and your bros icing each other and then stumbling around knocking down the ice sculpture by the end of the night. Do what you need to do -- assign one of your bridesmaids to be the one to make sure you eat at least one substantial meal before the wedding, get the caterer to put a bottle of Pellegrino at your table so that you can switch out toasts between that and champagne, have food in the limo in between the ceremony and the reception so that you can snack in peace with a big napkin over your dress and without Auntie Irma coming up to give you a hug, whatever. You just don't want everyone's memories of your wedding to be of how wasted you were.

Here's another one: Don't sweat the small stuff. Really. I know that you've been planning this for a while, but I promise, no one but you notices that the tablecloths are cream instead of the gold that they told you that they would be, or that the plates in the buffet are out of order, or that your bridesmaids toenail color clashes with her shoes. As long as you're not one of these couples, I think your wedding is going just fine.

And no matter how many people say it, Don't believe that it's YOUR day. I know, I know, when you're planning your wedding, people tell you over and over again "It's YOUR day! Do what you want!" And yes, you should have a wedding that you want and that reflects you, and not the one that your mother or mother in law wants for you. But when you use the MY DAY trope to have a rainbow wedding with your bridesmaids in all of the colors of the rainbow and then those colors assigned to different tables, down to telling the guests who will be sitting at those tables what color to wear to your wedding, you've gone too far. Remember, you're throwing a party here, and your main concern for the reception should be to make your guests comfortable and make sure they have a good time, like any other party. As Miss Manners (one of Don't Do That's heroes) says "[a] phrase you will be happier forgetting: 'It's your day.' The joining of two people involves two (or more) families and other relatives and friends, and you ignore their feelings and comfort at your peril."

That is a sentence that everyone should say over and over again while planning a wedding. Remember, it's not about how much everything costs (and please, don't tell us, we don't care), or what the pictures are like. It's about seeing all of your friends and family together to celebrate you and your new spouse's love for one another. And seeing Grandma get down on the dance floor with your new and very tall nephew to Lady Gaga. Happy Weddings, everyone!

So, dear readers, please tell us your biggest wedding couple don'ts, we're all ears.

*All stories in this post are from actual weddings. Seriously.

Tuesday Quickies: Weddings Edition

2010-06-08T10:21:00.003-04:00

Google "weddings" and you get 57 million results. Here are five!

Don't read this wedding announcement unless you're prepared to go "Aww!"
Jane Lynch and Laura Embry (NY Times)

Don't go for looks over taste:
Why Fancy Cakes Can Taste So Crummy (Wall Street Journal)

I love unconventional weddings, but not this kind of unconventional. Don't do anything featured on this site:
Tacky Weddings

I don't have anything bad to say about this site. It's hilarious:
Wedinator

And one entertaining and useful site. Don't plan a wedding without it:
Manolo For The Brides

Don'ts for Wedding Guests

2010-06-07T13:22:00.002-04:00

Summer is upon us, and you know what that means! Okay, it means a lot of things, but for the purposes of this blog post, it signifies wedding season. Welcome to Wedding Week at Don't Do That, because (shockingly) we have a lot of opinions to share about what you shouldn't do at a wedding. Today we'll be addressing guest behavior, with advice for the wedding couple and bridal party later in the week.

Let's start with the really obvious one: Don't Get Sloppy Drunk. Note I said not to get sloppy drunk. I'm never going to tell you not to get drunk at a wedding. I mean seriously, weddings are, like, the best places to get drunk. You don't have to, obviously, because drinking is not everyone's thing, but if you want to? Have that third glass of wine and tell everyone how much you love their hair. By all means, drink enough to wear your tie as a headband and belt out Don't Stop Believing with your great aunt.

BUT. Do not get crazy and have that fourth, or god forbid, that fifth glass of wine. Your tolerance may vary, but my point is that you should know your drink upper limit before you start drinking. (In my early 20s, mine was six drinks. Post baby, I think it's one and a half. My liver and wallet just high-fived.) Don't assume that "open bar" means "drink your weight!" That way lies many bad, bad things, including but not limited to:

Hitting on your second cousin

Setting yourself on fire via lit-candle centerpiece

Sleeping with Barney Stinson

Passing out under the buffet table

Puking on the cute usher's shoes

Soaking in the hotel hot tub in your only pair of underwear

Making your boyfriend call his parents and give up your ALCS tickets because you can't deal with seeing the Yankees inevitably eliminate the Red Sox. In 2004.

Not that any of those have happened to me, of course. (Call me, Barney!)

Next: Don't Upstage the Bride. I don't think any of our readers are uncouth enough to make a scene or anything soap-operatic like that (although if you know anyone who has, holy shit, you have GOT to tell us about it!), so this basically applies to clothing. Blah, blah, blah don't wear white, you're thinking. No one actually does that, Daisy. Not true! I went to a wedding where the bride's mother-in-law wore a white suit! The bride was gracious, but this was six years ago, and I know she's still a little bit pissed about it. (It was definitely not my mother-in-law, by the way. My mother-in-law would have punched out anyone who showed up to my wedding in white.)

I know we're sick of all the Bridezilla "IT'S MY DAY!" bullshit foisted upon us by the media, but look at it this way: She and her family are paying for a huge party that you're coming to voluntarily. Suck it up and defer to your hosts. This means no outfits that will have the guests talking about you instead of the wedding. No hot pink, no gold lame, no hats like this, no possible chance that your nipples will make an appearance. All that applies to the men, too. No one wants to see your nipples either, Uncle Jim.

Moving on from that disturbing mental image, we have our next rule: Don't Talk Shit (In Public). I know that we all secretly love dissecting every detail of a wedding, from the dress to the favors. But for god's sake, don't do it when you're at the wedding! You know that game Telephone? Yeah, you mention that the flowers look a little wilted, and by the time it gets back to the bride (and it WILL get back to her) you will have said her grandmother looks like a whore. So keep all shit-talk to yourself, at least until you get back to your room.

This last one is the Don't that inspired Wedding Week in the first place, so you know it's a big one. Don't Bring Your Kids Unless They're Invited. Look, I love kids. I have a pretty awesome one, in fact. But much like I wouldn't invite a random friend along to the reception, I won't bring my daughter unless she's welcome. If you're not sure? ASK.

And if you take nothing else from this post, please remember this: if the people throwing the wedding tell you they can't accommodate your children, don't bring them anyway. It's similar to wearing white to the wedding, where "white" equals "more people to seat and mouths to feed." Not to mention the potential for spectacular misbehavior, which in my opinion exempts the rest of the guests from the Don't Talk Shit rule. If the kids aren't supposed to be there, I decree that everyone is allowed to call them uncivilized little monsters.

All right, dear readers. Got any other big wedding Don'ts? Sound off in the comments!

Don't Take The Internet Seriously

2010-06-04T12:19:00.003-04:00

So it seems that people have Very Strong feelings about things like wearing white tights and pantyhose with open-toed shoes. Could you have predicted that? We really could not have. True, some of those people also apparently have very strong feelings about us, but most of the terrible-legwear defenders are, as far as we can tell, just really committed to their cause.

Which is great, I suppose. I mean, everyone should have a passion. I am sorry that sometimes that passion takes the form of ugliness, but if that's what floats your boat, great. You know what floats our collective boat? Telling you that we disagree. That doesn't mean we're trying to brainwash you (if only we had such powers), or that we are the be-all, end-all of bossiness on the internet (but wouldn't it be great if we were? I wonder if it comes with a sash or three). So, you know. CHILL.

Speaking of chilling on the internet: Has your favorite pop star just come out of the closet? Chill. It really probably was not his evil twin. Do you find yourself typing a blog comment that includes the statement "This is ridiculous. Fix it." directed at the organizers of a fan convention? Chill. Do the writers of your favorite TV show craft an entire meta-filled episode around your totally crazy internet fandom? Chill! (But okay, also thank you, because that was a fantastic episode.) Every comment section on every online news article is an excellent example of this, as are the Facebook pages of a couple of Slate's podcasts.

I could go on and on here, and I'm sure you could too. (And if I've missed your favorite example of THE INTERNET IS SERIOUS, please oh please share in the comments.) But let's take a moment and remember the wonderful things that the internet has given us. Things like LOLCats. Sure, they're old news at this point, but that doesn't mean that they're any less funny. And passive-aggressivenotes.com, which always reminds me that things could be more annoying. And, as we've mentioned before, there's gingerslam2's hysterical Chris Pine/Zach Quinto posts on OhNoTheyDidnt - one of them needs to take a walk this weekend, as our lives have been tragically empty without her commentary. Not to mention every single site on our blogroll over there to the right.

So the next time you decide it's a good idea to insult the feet of a stranger on the internet, just stop. Think about the fact that the invention that gave us Lions in Kenya, Childrens' Hospital, and such Lost-related classics as this duel and Hurley's Dude montage is not a thing that people should consider to be SRS BZNS. And don't take the internet so damn seriously.

Don't Wear Pantyhose with Open Toed Shoes

2010-06-02T12:35:00.001-04:00

Ladies and gentlemen, it is now officially summer!* That means that in many parts of the globe, it is warm and sunny enough for us all to wear our sundresses, pink lipgloss, floppy straw sunhats, and oh yes, our fabulous summery sandals. (Sorry to our readers in the Southern Hemisphere, but you can think of this post next January when we're freezing and bitter and you're warm and tan). However, the problem with summer is that that scourge of the universe is upon us. You know it, we all know it. Pantyhose with open toed shoes, every May I have hope that we would have banished you from the universe, and every June you come flying back, stronger, reinforced, and with that seam bolder and bolder. Please let this post be one of the things that helps get rid of this nightmare forever. Don't, don't, wear pantyhose with open toed shoes.

In looking for a picture to illustrate this post, I google image searched "pantyhose with open toed shoes." The images that I saw will give me nightmares tonight, so to cleanse my spirit of those, I found that lovely picture up above. Do you see those fabulous shoes? Can't you think of the great outfit that you would wear to go with them, if your fairy godmother came and left them in your shoe size under your pillow tonight? And how you would make sure to have a perfect pedicure to go with them, to show the shoes off all the better? And can you think of what they would look like if instead, you had nylon stretching across your toes, in some weird "nude" color (or, God forbid, white). You just heard a record screech, didn't you?

I see this everywhere in the summer, though Washington D.C. was the worst town for it, even though in the summer there it is 95 degrees on a good day. (I hope that our new First Lady of Awesome will help get rid of this trend, but we all know that D.C. is very slow to change.) I have generally never understood why people feel this compulsion. For the one thing, it's just seasonally inappropriate. When it is 90 degrees outside or even hotter, why would anyone want to wear pantyhose? I sweat at the general idea. Here's a general rule: if it is hot enough for sandals, it's too hot to wear pantyhose. (A corollary to that rule: if it's cold enough for you to want to have pantyhose to keep your legs marginally warmer, it's too cold for you to wear open toed shoes.)**

And, okay, some jobs still make women wear pantyhose (still! In 2010!). If your job is so formal as to make you wear pantyhose, open toed shoes are usually forbidden. And even if they aren't, don't you want to save your pretty fun summer shoes for a time when you don't have to ruin their look with a sheer nylon horror?

Is it that your grandma told you that you have to wear hose when you dress up? Do you really want to dress like your grandma?

And I understand that sometimes we all want the control top power that a good pair of hose can provide. But you know, that's why Spanx were invented. Even men are wearing them now!

But you know, the worse thing is that people think that women must wear pantyhose, because the sight of a woman's bare leg is somehow classless and disgusting. Can someone explain this to me in a way that isn't pure misogyny and making women keep every part of their bodies covered? It's just another way of making women feel bad about themselves, and that their legs are too pale, or too scarred, or too dark, or too fat to be in the public view alone. Attention, ladies: having a sheer nylon cover over your legs does not change the way that they look.

Instead of covering yourself up, do your legs a favor. Moisturize well (I am a big fan of the Lush Buffy, myself, perfect for this time of year), shave (if you do shave, that is -- and if you do, I favor the Mach 3 Turbo blades with the Venus handle), do some self tanner if that makes you feel better, and slide into your awesome shoes with confidence.

*Yeah yeah, not officially until the end of June, but I count the beginning of June as summer.

**Not that I haven't worn open toed shoes when it's cold, I have; I just don't wear hose and don't complain about it. Also note: this is not about tights and peep toe shoes -- I have seen that done and awesomely, but it usually only works when they are very opaque tights and shoes of a different color so that they pop. It looks especially fun with brightly colored tights. But, again, this is just for peep toes, not strappy sandals.

P.S.: Right after posting this, I was in the elevator with a very smartly dressed woman...with the exception of her feet, where she was wearing open toe slingbacks with that pantyhose seam running right across her toes. Sigh.

Tuesday Quickies: Apocalypse Edition

2010-06-01T09:13:00.003-04:00

Boston is covered in a white haze and smells like charred wood thanks to wildfires 400 miles north of us, putting Don't Do That's east coast headquarters into an end-of-the-world type of mood. So we compiled some links to prove that the apocalypse is upon us. Enjoy (with the short time you have left)!

Plague of frogs? Check. Flood of frogs shuts down major Greek highway. (AOL News)

Bottomless pit? Check. Massive sinkhole in Guatemala (io9)

In other bad weather news, today is the first day of hurricane season. Watch what happened last year, in 4 minutes (NASA)

The Gulf oil spill is certainly catastrophic, but I think the participation of Kevin Costner bumps it up to apocalyptic. (The Independent)

Then there's Shirley Manson's refusal to age. I mean, I had this photo on my wall in 1996. She looks exactly the same! That's at least a sign of some sort of black magic. (ONTD)

Look, when Fleshbot says "no, we're not joking," you know the situation is dire. (Also: SIGH. I give up.) Vajazzling porn (Fleshbot, NSFW, duh)

I think anyone whose name appears on this chart would consider it apocalyptic. 6 Degrees of John Mayer's Manhood (GQ)

I have no idea what's going on here with Wil Wheaton and a flying kitten, but it's surely a sign of the end times (Whatever Scalzi)

Al and Tipper Gore split. Well jeez, how's he supposed to save the planet if he can't save his own marriage? (Politico)

Finally, while this graphic is zombie-specific, it's good to remember that in case of apocalypse, Montana is always a safe bet. (College Life)

Don't Forget To Wear White Next Week

2010-05-28T07:00:00.001-04:00

It's almost Memorial Day weekend, y'all, and in honor of that, we're taking Monday off. Some of us have great plans (a weekend in wine country! A college reunion!) and some of us...well, some of us have a conference all the way through Sunday afternoon, but are trying really hard not to be bitter about it.

So, whether you're hanging out in Chicago with the Obamas (hey Sasha, can I borrow your top?), kicking off the official start of BBQ season, or hanging out at the pool because it is finally open, we hope our US readers have an amazing weekend. And our non-US readers should also have an amazing weekend, because it's the weekend YAY.

And get ready to bust out those white pants next week, because no longer will you have to worry about that Secret Footage - Stacy and Clinton decree it, and this chick approves.

UbyKotex - So Obnoxious - Watch more Funny Videos

Don't Be Afraid to Screw Up

2010-05-27T11:03:00.003-04:00

From Conan O'Brien's speech to the Harvard Class of 2000:

I left the cocoon of Harvard, I left the cocoon of Saturday Night Live, I left the cocoon of the Simpsons. And each time it was bruising and tumultuous. And yet every failure was freeing, and today I’m as nostalgic for the bad as I am for the good. So that’s what I wish for all of you—the bad as well as the good. Fall down. Make a mess. Break something occasionally. Know that your mistakes are your own unique way of getting to where you need to be. And remember that the story is never over.

Don't Forget that Brown Women Wear Makeup Too

2010-05-26T08:40:00.001-04:00

As a teenager, I started my love for fashion and beauty magazines. I still remember the joy and anticipation in opening a big fat August issue of Seventeen magazine and circling all of the exciting new fashions for the coming school year. I would get to see what my favorite celebrities were wearing, read try to convince my mom to buy me some of the full outfits that I saw in the "Going off to College" pictorial, and read all about doing a smokey eye and using blush and powder to contour your cheekbones. Except the problem with the magazines is that the makeup tips never quite worked for me, because in the ranges of skin colors they would show the best new makeup shades for, the darkest skin color was always olive. I wrote a letter to the editors of Teen magazine about that once -- I still remember, I signed it as "My skin is not olive" -- and got some form letter back.

A lot of things have changed in the past fifteen or so years, and thankfully, I have a better time now in the pages of Lucky and Allure in finding makeup shades for me. Better, but still not great -- there are still usually about four possible shades for white women and one for brown women, and I always get excited when a brown skinned celebrity is on the cover, because I'm then sure of finding out what great lipstick they used on her. But I really didn't think that there were still makeup companies that don't even make shades for women of color, but even in the world of Michelle Obama, I was wrong.

A few weeks ago, I was looking for a new tinted moisturizer, and was browsing the aisles of Sephora. A skincare line that I've liked a lot in the past, Korres, had a tinted moisturizer with SPF that I had read about and was excited to test. Except when I went to test the shade against my skin, I discovered that their darkest shade was still way too light for my skin color. I said something to the woman helping me at Sephora, and she said that since Korres is a Greek company, they're not used to the range of skin colors in the US. Yeah, she clearly didn't believe it either. I came home and wrote Korres a letter about it; this time I didn't even get a form letter.

What I don't understand about this is that Black and Latino women obviously care about makeup. From Michelle Obama (whose makeup is always flawless, and oh wow, I wish I knew which products she used), to RuPaul and everyone in between, we are all pretty fabulous. We love lipcolors, from muted to in your face, we love doing delightful things with our nails, but mostly, we love makeup just as much as white women do. I'm not sure why magazines and makeup companies continue to ignore this market, but I'm really tired of them assuming that there's only one shade of woman of color, and it's the light shade of either Beyonce or Zoe Saldana or the dark shade of Gabby Sidibe. There are many shades in between (and lighter than Bey/Zoe and darker than Gabby).

I loved the products that I got from you, Korres, but in the future, I will send my makeup and skincare dollars to companies that care about me and people who look like me. Therefore, here is an incomplete list of resources for women (and men!) of color who want to find great makeup:

Bobbi Brown is awesome, and has lots of foundation and powder shades for every range on the skin color wheel (and I totally suspect that Michelle O. wears some of her stuff).
M.A.C has long had lots of great shades for women of many colors, and even though their salespeople are usually bitchy and make you look like a drag queen, their stuff is still awesome.
Stila, the brand that I eventually got my tinted moisturizer from, had a wide range of possible shades, and there were some just slightly lighter than me and just slightly darker than me that I didn't get, because the shade that was my shade was perfect, amazing.
Carol's Daughter, not strictly makeup, but has lots of hair and skincare stuff for women of color.
Iman and Black Opal Beauty are both drugstore brands geared towards women of color (warning, the Iman website plays music. Seriously, Iman?).
This awesome blog, Makeup 4 Black Women, has color ranges, makeup tips, shade reviews, and great tutorials.
Another fun blog, Makeup and Beauty Blog is all about what it says, and is written by a woman of color.

And finally, I give you this fabulous man who has a ton of makeup videos and is hilarious, has good tips, and just all around rocks, and his advice is great for women of all colors.

Please feel free to share your favorite makeup for brown women resources!

Tuesday Quickies: Old Lady Edition

2010-05-25T10:18:00.004-04:00

Oh lord, you guys, my college reunion is this weekend. I've been looking at my old scrapbooks and wishing I'd had a better idea of how damn cute I was back then. Screw changing history; if I had a time machine I'd go back and tell my college self, "You aren't going to have those boobs forever, you know. For god's sake, have more sex."

So in honor of my decrepitude, some links (very) loosely themed around youth and young womanhood.

I don't know how goddamn many times I'm going to need to say this, but your vulva doesn't need to be pretty. Vajazzling is just another way to get you to Spend. More. Money. Don't do it.
The kind of girl who ices her muffin (Not That Kind of Girl)

Don't believe a phone can make or break friendships (again: Your money. They want it.)
Microsoft's Kin Ponders the Nature of Friendship (AdFreak)

Don't look like a moron when you give a commencement speech:
Ann Curry speaks at Wheaton College...but which one? (Boston Globe)

I don't think these shots would work if you were actually drinking beer:
Amazing Beer Pong Shots (YouTube via Sports Guy)

Don't forget that corporate America is evil in many subtle ways:
Your Office Chair is Killing You (BusinessWeek)
and
Your Commute is Ruining Your Happiness (Scienceblogs)

Don't be afraid to just tell a blowhard to stuff it, but if you need help, use these:
Stop Talking (Design Within Reach)

Don't stress about dinner. The internet has you covered:
What the Fuck Should I Make For Dinner

Don't be cynical about love. Remember that romance can happen anytime, anywhere:
Groom-to-be pops the question at Whole Foods (Boston Globe)

Don't use empty boxes and a piece of plywood as your coffee table:
Neil Gaiman's Cthulhu-esque table (made by Chul An Kwak)

Don't forget your towel:
Towel Day (Wikipedia)

Don't Do Drugs, Kids

2010-05-24T10:10:00.005-04:00

Or else you might go from looking like this:

To this:

in five short years. Oh, and also lose any career, friends, and grip on reality you once may have had. Oy, she makes me sad.

Don't Buy Cosmo Just Because You Like The Cover Girl

2010-05-21T07:00:00.001-04:00

So I have this problem. And by "problem," I mean girlcrush, and by "girlcrush," I mean I am crushed with INSANE LUST. Her name is Pink, and she's just about the hottest, most talented, most badass, most adorable and hilarious (follow her on Twitter!) celebrity on Earth. I adore her. I simultaneously want to be her best friend and also sleep with her. I am far too invested in her relationship with her equally adorable (and lustworthy) husband - I was unreasonably happy when they got back together, and I want them to live happily ever after, riding their bikes and mocking each other for all eternity. And all this is not even to mention her music, which is so good, and her voice, which is brilliant, even when she's hanging upside down. Her I'm Not Dead album got me through what was equally the best and worst year of my life - my soon-to-be-husband bought it for me during a two week hospital stay, and I listened to it nonstop on the beach during our honeymoon four months later. Basically, Pink rocks, and you should just bow down to her. You saw these performances, right? The Fug Girls have it dead on.

What you should NOT do? Buy the issue of Cosmopolitan that is currently on newsstands, no matter how effing hot she looks on the cover. (And y'all, she looks seriously effing hot.)

Here are some actual, genuine quotes from this gem of an issue.

"As much as we admire Angie [Jolie]'s ballsy attitude (or at least used to), the actress...has shown that she's willing to do whatever it takes to get the Mr. Smith she wants...and no wife - sorry Jen - is about to stop her."
(They KNOW that The Breakup was FIVE YEARS AGO, right? And that he was the married one?)

"So what is important? Well, it's hard as hell to figure out because no dude is going to outright articulate what he needs from you to be happy."

"...maintaining a sense of mystery is especially crucial as things become serious...TMI is not only a turnoff, but it also forces him to rethink his image of you as a strong, sexy woman."
(BTW, their definition of TMI includes sharing that you have to pee and mentioning your waxing appointment. Strong and sexy women don't need to pee or maintain their brows!)

Plus, an article about why men heart skanks (name-dropping specific celebs and mistresses, then referring to them as "trashy chicks" and "low-rent floozies," glossing over the fact that the guys those mistresses were sleeping with were the married ones...sensing a pattern?), a charming few pages about How To Make A Man Commit (full of great blanket statements like, "Men want someone fun - plain and simple" and "He doesn't want to see you in sweatpants three nights in a row," which means that I'm pretty sure my husband's going to be filing for divorce any second now), a You, Even Better feature reminding you that your new husband won't love you if you gain the 21 pounds that the average woman gains after she gets married (apparently he'll "feel freaked" and decide you don't care about him anymore), and a full page of people taking pictures of strangers and sending them to the magazine, bitching about their terrible clothes or accessories.

And seriously, EVERY SINGLE ITEM relates back to sex in some way. Even if you save some money (Dates Under $10!) and go to the cheap carnival in your town, you should, according to Cosmo, then want to bone. And did you know they have PORN now? Seriously! Two pages of porn! When did Cosmo start swiping Penthouse's Letters leftovers?

(This is where we remind you not to take sex advice from Cosmo. No seriously. That has not changed in the last couple of months.)

When your magazine puts a strong, badass, unique talent like Pink on the cover, it would be nice if the content reflected some of those qualities. A two-page interview with one of the most individual and self-posessed celebrities out there does not make up for all the other garbage - encouraging readers to hide who they are, second-guess what they do, say, and wear, and to revolve everything in their life around getting, keeping and pleasing a man? When the magazine spends pages and pages telling you about how shitty and stupid men are? Something tells me that Pink would not approve of any of it.

So if you're wandering by the newsstand and you see her glaring out at you, looking fucking fierce, just stop, think about taking an extra five minutes to read the article while you're standing there, and then don't waste your money. Save your five bucks and get a few of her songs off iTunes. It won't make you feel shitty about yourself, I guarantee it.

Don't be afraid to roast a chicken

2010-05-19T13:02:00.003-04:00

One of the easiest and homiest meals to make for a dinner party, your family, or just yourself is a roast chicken. The idea of making a whole one apparently scares some people, but I am here to tell you that it is as easy as pie. Okay, wait, not as easy as pie, because many of you are probably scared of making pie too, but don't worry, I'll address that soon! How about as easy as spaghetti?

I roast chickens all the time, sometimes for other people, and sometimes on a Monday night just for me, and I'll feast off the leftovers all week, many times repurposing them into things like chicken pot pie, chicken tacos, chicken salad, chicken sandwiches, you name it. It's also an easy meal for when people are coming over -- when there's a large group of people, I've just put two chickens in the oven at the same time on a big roasting pan, and it works perfectly. And then while the chicken is cooking and resting, you can deal with any of the side dishes, and greeting your guests, and the whole house smells great as they walk in.

A great base recipe is Thomas Keller's, of The French Laundry and Per Se fame. But don't let that put you off! I know he is famous for his oyster and pearls and other super complicated dishes, but this is not one of them. Here's his recipe: take a chicken, as small as you can get it (he wants you to have one for around 3 pounds, but this works for larger ones too); preheat your oven to 450; dry the chicken off really well; salt it well with kosher salt and black pepper; tie the drumsticks together with kitchen twine*; put it in a roasting pan and in the oven, and then walk away, and come back in about an hour. That's all! That's it!

Now, people will freak out about how to know that the chicken is done. A lot of people will tell you to use a meat thermometer here, but though I have a good one, I never use it when I roast a chicken (you can, of course, if you're nervous about that, just make sure that it's in the thickest part of the chicken thigh and not touching the bone, and that it's 165 F). The chicken is generally done when you can wiggle the drumstick and it will easily wiggle for you. But when it hits either 165 or wiggle time, it's not time to cut into the chicken -- that's when you put it on a cutting board, cover it loosely and let it rest -- the chicken will keep cooking as it rests, and then it will be super moist when it's time to eat.

Once you master that basic recipe, though, there are plenty of ways to dress it up and make it your own. I usually bend the wings backward and tuck them under the chicken before roasting, because it makes for a prettier presentation and then the chicken sits a little more upright on the pan like above. I often tuck some herbs down into the skin on the breast, and sometimes I'll start the chicken breast side down and flip it over to make sure that the whole bird cooks evenly -- I usually flip it with my handy kitchen tongs, probably my favorite kitchen tool (get the 12 inch ones, they're the most useful), but you can just use your hands tucked into oven mitts, or a spatula and a long fork. I usually cut up a lemon and tuck it inside and around the bird too, becasue it makes the skin all lemony, but there are about a million ways to flavor it and make yourself happy.

But for all that is good and holy, do yourself a favor and cut up a few potatoes and put them in the roasting pan when you have about 30 minutes left of roasting the chicken. When you take the chicken out of the pan to rest, stir the potatoes around and return them to the oven to keep roasting until they're done. Those potatoes that roast in the chicken fat are some of the best potatoes that you will ever make or eat, trust me.

And with those potatoes, a nice green salad, and some green beans, asparagus, or sauteed kale or chard, depending on the season, you have a fantastic dinner for almost anyone, including one for just yourself.

*Actually, he wants you to truss it, but if you're a beginner, just tying the drumsticks together with kitchen twine works just fine.

Tuesday Quickies: Geek Edition

2010-05-18T09:00:00.003-04:00

(Daisy's Christmas tree. Spot the geekery!)

I don't believe you can get plush toys of all the subatomic particles. (I want a tachyon!)
Particle Zoo

After you get the particles, don't forget to buy baby's first physics book:
Pat Schrodinger's Kitty (Etsy)

I don't entirely understand the physics here (I need the plush toys to act it out for me!), but the final quote is fabulous:
From Fermilab, a New Clue to Explain Human Existence? (New York Times)

Don't spell without it:
The Geek Alphabet (Geeks are Sexy)

Don't call me a geek without checking this venn diagram first:
The Difference Between Nerd, Dork and Geek Explained (Great White Snark)

And don't call me a fanboy either. For one thing, I'm a girl.
Fanboy! The strange true story of the tech world's favorite put-down. (Technologizer via Gizmodo)

Don't put this in your house if you ever want to have sex ever ever:
Star Wars Wampa rug (ThinkGeek)

Don't get these tattoos if you ever want to have sex ever ever:
Nerd Tatts of the Week (Nerdist)

Don't date someone you don't like kissing. It's science:
Pucker Up: Scientists Study Kissing (CNN)

Don't even think about claiming astrophysicist Neil DeGrasse Tyson as your science boyfriend. He is mine. Mine, I tell you!
The Secret Life of Scientists: Neil DeGrasse Tyson (PBS)

Don't Be Afraid to Take Fashion Risks

2010-05-17T10:04:00.002-04:00

Y'all expect me to rip on the photo above, don't you? I mean come on: it's a pair of turquoise skinny jeans! That are so tight the poor girl is knock-kneed! But I have to tell you, she was kind of working them. It helped that she was about sixteen and radiating the kind of Eff you, I'm hot shit attitude vital to pulling off crayola-colored pants.

But my point is that it's easy to fall into a fashion rut, especially when you're lucky enough to know exactly what looks good on you. I was unwillingly yanked out of my rut when I didn't magically return to my pre-pregnancy weight (which will be the subject of a future post titled "Don't tell me I still need to lose a few pounds, DAD."). Tops that used to be flattering now make my boobs look like two melons in a plastic shopping bag. Skirts that used to rock now turn me roly-poly.

So I end up trying on pretty much half the store whenever I'm shopping now, and I'm not going to lie: it's frustrating as hell sometimes. But! The glee I feel when I try on something I was sure would look ridiculous and it magically turns me into a hottie instead? Totally worth it.

So if you're looking for kick-ass boots in black? Try them on in hot pink too. At worst you won't like them, and at best you'll be like the young lady in the picture above: inspiring random strangers to think, Girl, you are Pulling. Them. Off.

Don't Miss In The Heights

2010-05-14T00:59:00.007-04:00

What was the last Broadway show you saw? Actually, what's the last Broadway show you can NAME? Cats? Phantom? Les Miserables? Maybe even Rent? If those are your answers, I have a proposition for you. And that proposition is: Read this post.

For me, it all started with the 2008 Tony awards.

During the first hour, the cast of a show I've never heard of called In The Heights performs, since it's nominated for Best Musical. I find it intriguing and exciting, both musically and lyrically ("It's gettin' too darn hot/Like my man Cole Porter said" is pretty genius) and hey, isn't that the kid from Camp?? I love Camp! I therefore love this!

Then, a while later, the show wins Best Original Score, and this goofy looking dude, who is apparently also the star, gets up and gives the best acceptance speech I've ever seen. Complete with improvised Sondheim shout-out! Go ahead and watch it. I'll wait.

The next day at lunch, I went to the record store and bought the soundtrack and listened to it for days - okay fine, weeks - in a row. The story - about three days in the life of a Latin community in Washington Heights, Queens, New York - is, in many ways, far away from my own life. But the themes of home, family, love, belonging, loss and hope are themes that even the most cyncial person, living far from that world, can relate to. I loved it, and I was so bummed that I lived about seven states away from the Great White Way, the only opportunity I had to experience In The Heights in person. And so I did what any non-NYC-living Broadway freak would do: I turned to the internet.

Things like Legally Brown (Matthew Morrison appearance!) and Heights Cool Musical were discoveries that followed, and then, at Christmastime, there was this, and I was done. My enjoyment of the show was already through the roof, but my enjoyment of Lin-Manuel Miranda? Turned into slightly creepy stalker-y type adoration.

In 2009, Lin (we are clearly besties who are on a first name basis) worked with Stephen Sondheim on translating dialogue and lyrics from West Side Story into Spanish for the revival. He composes for and appears on the revival of The Electric Company. He won a Grammy and was a finalist for the Pulitzer for In The Heights. He was House's roommate. He left the show, with a wonderful final curtain call. He got engaged. He was part of this documentary that has been on my Tivo since May. He performed for the First Family. And he's going to Run This Tour.

(He also just turned 30.)

So that's the timeline of my slightly creepy obsession with Lin-Manuel Miranda. But what about the show? Why am I lecturing you about some random show that's far away from you in NYC?

Because, didn't you watch the Run This Tour video? THEY ARE ON TOUR. AND YOU SHOULD GO. Mr. Roxy and I had the privilege of seeing it TWICE when the show was in our city, and it was worth every penny and moment that we spent with it.

The tour cast, though maybe easy to dismiss, is phenomenal. The first night we saw it, four of the lead characters were played by their understudies. You'd generally think, especially with a tour cast, "Oh hell. Understudies." (When we saw Les Mis on tour a few years ago, we got stuck with understudy for Valjean. It was a rough few hours.) Not with this company. Every role, even those played by people who had never done it before, was pitch-perfect. We had two different understudies when we saw it the second time, and it was still just as wonderful.

If you think you don't like theatre, or that musicals are cheesy, or that there's nothing in this story that appeals to you or that you can relate to...well, you're wrong. And I'm sorry for being bossy, but isn't that the point of this whole endeavor? So when you see In The Heights roll through your town, just stop, think about how your life could use some culture - or just some dancing - and don't miss out.

(PS, I'm not getting anything for writing this post. I just love it, and you should trust me. Have I led you astray yet?)

Don't Whine About Spoilers

2010-05-12T12:14:00.002-04:00

This title may come as a surprise to some of my friends, because I am one of the biggest spoiler-phobes out there. I have always hated knowing anything about books, movies, or tv shows in advance, I boggle at the people who read the end of a book before the beginning, and I usually don't read the book jacket before reading the book, because it often spoils a key element of the book. And don't even get me started about Entertainment Weekly cover stories, because those always spoil something about a movie or TV show. But you know what? For spoiler-phobes like me, it is all about, as Mad-Eye Moody would say, CONSTANT VIGILANCE.

This is all the more important because I live on the West Coast, so I see all shows at a minimum of three hours after they've ended for much of the country. When there is a finale for a big show, especially a big reality show where everyone will be talking about the winner, I stay away from the internet until I've seen the show, because I know that spoilers are out there everywhere. For every episode of Lost this season, I stay off Twitter and off Facebook until after the closing credits, because I don't want to know anything about what happens until I actually watch the show.

So when the finale of this season's Project Runway happened a few weeks ago, I was absolutely boggled that people had the gall to complain that they had been spoiled for the winner... on the Facebook page for Tom and Lorenzo, probably the biggest (and certainly the most fun) Project Runway blog out there. Then there were the people who said that they were spoiled by following Laura Bennett on Twitter -- Laura Bennett, former designer on Project Runway, who was hosting the big finale party at her home. WHAT? If you follow her on Twitter, would you not EXPECT for her to say something about the winner? If it is that crucial for you to go onto Twitter before watching the show (which, no, it is never crucial to go onto Twitter unless you're being arrested in Egypt or something), then you just unfollow anyone who you think may spoil you in advance. On Facebook, there is this handy little Hide button hovering on the side there -- just hide people in advance if you care about spoilers.

And people, especially if you DVR'd the show and are not planning on watching it until a day or so later, you need to recognize that the world does not revolve around you. I know, I know, DVRs have changed the way we all watch TV, sure, except that if you don't watch the show on the night that it airs, you need to accept that a whole lot of people around you did. I'm not saying that you can't DVR a show and watch it when you want to, just acknowledge that you need to do the work to avoid spoilers, and you cannot be all whiny if you decide to go to the Entertainment Weekly website, or onto a TV blog and then get spoiled.

And look, people, it goes the other way too. Don't spoil your friends on purpose! If you know that a friend hasn't watched a show, don't start a conversation around them about who died in the most recent actually good episode of Lost. If your friend lives on the East Coast and you live on the West Coast, don't IM them at 10:15 your time with "Oh my GOD, I am so angry that my favorite is gone from Survivor!" especially if they know who your favorite is. Because then you're just that guy who runs into a Harry Potter book 6 release party and yells "SNAPE KILLS DUMBLEDORE" and you don't want to be that guy. And no, that's not a spoiler anymore, sorry people.

People who like spoilers and people who don't, we can all get along, we can, we just need to respect one another. That means not trying to make other people move to your side (spoiler lovers) and not getting upset that you get spoiled if you're in a territory likely filled with spoilers (spoiler haters). But please, spoiler-phobes, stop the whining, you're making my side look bad.

Tuesday Themeless Quickies

2010-05-11T15:43:00.002-04:00

We are all kind of disasters over here this week, so today's Quickies are late. And also have no theme - besides awesomeness, because there are some great links in here.

Don't forget what Times Sqaure will look like after the apocalypse:
Times Square Evacuated for Suspicious Package (Gothamist)

And speaking of the apocalypse, Don't be unprepared for zombies: Zombie Preparedness Initiative (Zombie Preparedness Initiative)

Don't be afraid to take advantage of Visa. This time, it's their JOB: How To Make Visa Obey Your Every Desire: The Credit Card Concierge Experiment (The Blog of Tim Ferriss)

Don't ignore Barney Stinson's advice. Or his suits: How To Pick Up Women With Style (Esquire)

Don't underestimate boredom or bacon: You Had Me At Bacon (Bitchin' Kulture)

But Don't think bacon goes well in EVERYTHING: San Francisco Bacon Camp. Brownie attended Bacon Camp over the weekend, and gives a thumbs up to bacon hot sauce and bacon cornbread, but a thumbs down to bacon brownies. Irony! (Laughing Squid)

Don't mock geeks - this is actually pretty great: My Handmade Hobbit Hole - Bag End From Lord of the Rings (Mads Hobbit Hole)

Don't think Twitter is on the cutting edge: Twitter Updates, the 18th Century Edition (WSJ)

Don't blame us if you're pissed after you see this: Visual Guide to Facebook's Privacy Changes Over Time (Huffington Post)

Don't wear complicated shoes if you're going to get this wasted: Wasted Guy at Coachella 2010 (YouTube)

Don't Overcomplicate Motherhood

2010-05-10T11:38:00.002-04:00

My daughter had her first snotty nose last week. (How did we go nine months without having to deal with baby snot? I think we worked with lepers in a past life.) So I asked the leader of my mother/baby group for any tips she had for successfully suctioning the baby's nose.

What I wanted was some sort of ninja hold whereby I could still the baby's flailing arms, legs, and head with one hand and get the bulb up her nose with the other. What the woman suggested was buying a $15 device that sounded even more difficult to use than the two-dollar one I already owned. Which leads me to today's topic: Don't make motherhood more complicated than it already is.

One of the biggest baby trends today, something I had never heard of until I had a kid, is making your own baby food. Not, like, cutting up the banana so she doesn't choke on it, but buying sweet potatoes and brown rice, cooking the hell out of them, then pureeing them. And later pureeing chicken and potatoes and whatever else our mothers fed us out of tiny jars. Every mother in my baby group does this. I had an attack of mom guilt and told my mother this, and her response was, "Wouldn't you rather spend that time with the baby?"

Yes! Yes I would! Whew. Thanks, Mom. In that same conversation I was freaking out over all of the conflicting information about every single thing I had questions about, and she said, "Well, just pick the answer you like the best and use that one."

Now, my mother doesn't have any degrees in child development, but she raised or helped to raise seven younger siblings, four children, and seven grandchildren, none of whom have knocked over any convenience stores as of this writing, so I'm inclined to follow her advice. And I have found that her advice always boils down to "Do the easiest thing that will make you and the baby happy."

So I don't play my girl much classical music, but I put on the WFNX Leftover Lunch every day and sing Cure and Clash songs to her to develop her musical side. And I never even bothered to read up on "cry it out" sleep methods, because I already know that I birthed a mini-version of my stubborn self, who will scream until she pukes rather than give up and go to sleep. (This is not hyperbole. We had a stubborn-off early in her life, and I ended up covered in throw up.) Not that I have any problem with parents who do employ those methods, but when I hear mothers say, "I know I'm not supposed to rock her to sleep..." or "Everyone tells me to just let her cry..." I get sad, because getting through the day with a tiny human who not only can't tell you what she wants but frequently doesn't even know what she wants is tough enough without the added weight of unwelcome expectations.

You know, I should also clarify that if you like making your own baby food, I am totally cool with that. I don't ever want to be one of those people who looks at a mother who's trying her hardest and goes You're doing it WRONG! But if you're standing in your kitchen miserable and covered in mashed peas because you think it's what you should be doing? I promise you, the organic shit in the little jars actually tastes pretty good, and my kid's head hasn't started spinning around like The Exorcist in the two months I've been giving it to her.

By the way, my mother's response to the nose bulb question? "I hated those things. Just take her in the bathroom, turn on the shower, and wait for her nose to drain enough so that you can feed her." Thanks, Mom.

Pop Culture Quasi-Quickies

2010-05-07T07:00:00.001-04:00

Happy Friday! What a crazy week, am I right? Therefore, it's time for Quasi-Quickies - because why say just a little bit about something when you can say more? That's my motto, anyway.

Without further ado, here's a few Don'ts from this week in pop culture.

Don't Be The Lohans
I mean, where to even start? Don't be Dina, who takes her kid out to clubs right before said kid's court date, dealing with the kid's substance use problems. Don't be Michael, who sells tape-recorded conversations with his daughter to the tabloids and airs his family's dirty laundry on Twitter. Don't be Ali, who, at 16, is living with her (allegedly) drug-addicted sister, which is...not her fault, so, back to Dina and Michael. And, of course, don't be Lindsay. Sure, she's going to be in the sure-to-be-awesome Machete (no, that's not sarcasm - Grindhouse was the highlight of my summer in 2007), but that's about the only positive she's got going for her. She's being threatened with "serious jail time", falling into cacti, and just generally being a disaster. Of course, her parents' crazy doesn't help, but neither do blog posts wondering why we're all being so hard on her. Y'all, it's not about that she's "maybe having a cocktail," it's about that she can't get - or stay - hired, that she's taking her high-school-age sister to booze- and drug-soaked music festivals in the desert, that she's blowing off court-ordered alcohol education...and when a professional Lohan apologist (hi, that's me) can't make the professional apologies anymore, things are bad. Someone go check on Cody, please. Quietly.

Don't Forget To Tell Us You HAD A BABY, John Winchester
So Jeffrey Dean Morgan (the long-lost triplet of Robert Downey, Jr. and Javier Bardem, who keeps showing up on my TV as a dead guy) and Hilarie Burton (who got stalked, adopted, married and pregnant in six seasons on One Tree Hill) - two people who hadn't seemed to ever have SPOKEN to each other - apparently have a baby boy who is a few months old. We here at Don't Do That are totally on board with SECRET BABY being the new Hollywood Trend, so get on that shit, y'all.

Don't Miss This Girl's Awesome Crazy
I know nothing about gingerslam2 beyond the fact that she writes absolutely hysterical entries for Oh No They Didn't, featuring crazy tinhatting of Chris Pine and Zachary Quinto (aka Kirk and Spock from Star Trek). Every one of her posts make us laugh, and, frankly, make two relatively boring celebrities way more interesting. Some publicist for other boring celebs should hire her. Alternatively, she could be ONTD's ambassador to the rest of the internet.

(Sidebar: ONTD, a formerly notorious bastion of ugly internet misogyny, has really stepped it up in the last year or so, don't you think? Less ugly, WAY more funny. Well-played, guys.)

Don't Blow Off The People Who Tell You About Good TV
Okay, okay, I know Daisy wrote about the total opposite of this. And yet! People have been talking at me about Friday Night Lights for years. I tried the first episode when it started airing, and for some reason it didn't stick (partly because this was Before Tivo in the Throatpunch household, I'm sure), and then it started streaming on Netflix and we accidentally watched six episodes on Sunday and now...well, this is me, telling you to watch it. I understand if you are annoyed and ignore me for a few more years, but in 2013, when you finally give in because there's nothing else on, I expect an email. You are welcome.

Don't Ignore Gabby's Birthday Wish
Remember how we told you about how awesome Gabby Sidibe is? Don't you think it would be extra awesome if she showed up on Glee? I know, a lot of people have Issues with that show - its portrayal of women, its overly-processed musical numbers, Matthew Morrison's white-boy rapping. But come on! You really think that Gabby would let them put her into their little box? Doubtful.

Don't Do That to Me, Lost

2010-05-05T12:27:00.004-04:00

I am still incapable of any rational thought after last night's Lost. No spoilers here, but OH MY FUCKING GOD, right? I was sort of expecting one of those things to happen by the end of this season, but my God, not the others.

Because I can't string two words together about the episode that make any sense, here are people who can and did:

Sepinwall (who has now moved from his nice, clean looking blog with a full RSS feed to a bloated slow loading site with a two line feed, which makes me a little more angry than any TV critic's job change should)
Mo Ryan
Slate
Tom and Lorenzo
Celebritology from the Washington Post
What the producers said

And eventually, Doc Jensen will be up with something long and totally confusing at EW.com. I'm now going to go read them all and cry at my desk.

Tuesday Quickies: Mother's Day Edition

2010-05-04T10:42:00.001-04:00

We're departing from the usual Quickies format today to remind you: Don't Forget Mother's Day! As a daughter and a mother, I can tell you that it really doesn't matter what you get your momma--when I was a kid, I gave my mother silk flowers in a vase from the Christmas Tree Shop. I think it cost me all of three dollars. She put it in the kitchen and left it there until I came home from college one year and suddenly realized that she'd left that hideously tacky thing out for all those years because I had given it to her.

Of course, I'm not saying you should get your mom any old crap, but that she will cherish any gift you give with love, even if you wait until the last minute to buy it like I think we all do every year. (It's not just me, right?) So here are some ideas for the ladies who raised you:

For moms who love shiny things:
Wendy Mink Jewelry (ooh: 20% off through May 9!)
Melissa Joy Manning Jewelry
Coast Mountain Crafts' beautiful silk wraps.

For crafty moms:
Purl, for all her knitting needs.

For tasty moms:
Cookbooks nominated for the 2010 James Beard Award (Winners list)

For home & garden moms:
Yellena, fun & funky prints
Feral Glass, to make her garden glow

For literary moms:
Heather Jeany, handmade cards and stationery
Pocket Full of Poesy, quotes of note on blingy rings

For grand moms:
Eye of My Heart, a book of essays on grandmotherhood.

BONUS For Boston-area moms:
I Survived the Aquapocalypse shirts and mugs

(We're not getting anything to promote these stores. In fact, they have no idea we exist. We just like 'em.)

Don't Write Wrong

2010-05-03T11:52:00.005-04:00

(An ALOT, the bastard child of stupidity and laziness, awesomely defined and illustrated by Allie Brosh at Hyperbole and a Half.)

While this post is about writing errors that drive me batty, I actually nearly titled it Don't Be An Asshole About Grammar, because I've kind of had it with people who think their ability to point out where you've screwed up affect/effect makes them morally superior to you. Yes, I agree that people who ignore grammar and spelling wholesale should probably be fed to wolves, but pointing out and/or judging the errors of writers who are trying their best means two things will eventually happen to you:

1. You won't be set up with somebody's cute, smart friend who rescues puppies in his/her spare time but can't tell the difference between "its" and "it's."

2. When you inevitably make a mistake, instead of politely overlooking it, everyone will point and laugh.

That said, here are a few mistakes that just about make me pass out from nerd rage every time I see them.

Baited breath

It's bated breath, people. It means "the condition of waiting for something to happen" and is generally used in moments of high anticipation. Which is why it kills me to see "baited," because I flash right to fishy-smelling breath and the tense mood is ruined. RUINED. Okay, really, I usually just giggle and keep reading, but it definitely throws me out of the story.

Sadly, in researching this, I discovered that since "bated" is so archaic that it's basically only used in this one phrase, "baited breath" may actually become standard usage. It's even used in Harry Potter. This makes me cry. But I am not the language police, so I may just have to get used to anticipatory fish breath.

All intensive purposes

I'll be honest, I'm pretty sure I say this in conversation all the time. But, you know, I also tell my daughter that she "ate good." My spoken English sucks. The real phrase is all intents and purposes and it's just a fancy way of saying "for all practical purposes." When I'm writing, I remember the correct phrase by considering that while you can be intense about your purpose, the purpose itself cannot be intense.

Bare with me

Roxy actually asked me about this one the other day, and I explained that it's bear with me, and she could remember it by thinking that "to bear" equals "to carry" and the phrase basically means "carry on with me." It's not an exact analogy, but if it helps anyone remember that the saying should not be spelled so that it means "get naked with me," it will have served its purpose. (Or you could try remembering the more formal explanation.)

Mute point

Or, if you're Joey from Friends, "moo point." I don't have any logical objection to this one, really, since the meanings of "moot point" (an irrelevant point) and "mute point" (a silent point, I guess?) are similar enough, in that they are both points that don't need to be talked about. I just think "mute point" sounds ridiculous. But it might be the longest lasting mispronunciation on this list, with an example dating back to 1749.

Mistaken homophones are a big point of annoyance among word enthusiasts, but usually they focus on the most common mistakes, so I'll just address two less-frequent screw ups that crack me up every time.

taut/taught

I don't know why I find this mistake so funny; I just do. Maybe it's that the meanings are so different. (taut = pulled tight. taught = past tense of "teach.") All I know is that seeing "taught tendons" or "faces pulled taught" kills me.

prostrate/prostate

I totally know why I find this one funny! When one word means "face down on the ground" and the other is a frequently troublesome human gland, the inherent absurdity is comedy gold. Don't believe me? Read this and try not to giggle.

Okay, those are my pet peeves. What are yours?

And because I love you all and want everything you write to be perfect, here are some resources you can use if you're unsure about a word or phrase. (Or, if you're a word nerd like me, you can read for fun and education. I had no idea it's "card sharp" not "card shark!")

Common Errors in English Usage
100 Most Often Mispronounced Words and Phrases in [British] English
Terribly Write

Don't be Brett Favre

2010-04-30T16:02:00.005-04:00

You know, this topic was one of the ones that we discussed at the initiation of this blog, but we figured that just a plain "Don't be Brett Favre" was too obvious. But you know what? Given the news today that Brett Favre just now discovered that he has to have ankle surgery in order to play next season, I think that it's time. Don't be Brett Favre, and don't let your friends and family be him either.

I repeat, on the last day of April, three and a half months after Brett Favre last ~~choked~~ played a game, he has told his team that he has to have ankle surgery, on an ankle that he's had surgery on twice before, in order to play football next season.

Today, on the day that NFL minicamps begin, he announces this.

Today, a week and a half after the draft ended, the draft in which his team could have and did not select a quarterback in a high round.

Today, well after a free agent period ended, in which his team could have gotten a quarterback that is better than the collection of shitty quarterbacks that they have (both Donovan McNabb and Jason Campbell were dealt around, and either is significantly better than Tarvaris Jackson, Sage Rosenfels, and whoever the hell they picked in the 6th round).

Hell, he didn't even see a doctor about this ankle injury -- which, again, happened in JANUARY -- until recently.

And now all NFL fans (and really, all sports fans, given the way that ESPN covers this story) will be subjected to Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre all damn summer long. Who wants to bet that his name will come up during the ESPN coverage of the World Cup? Soccer - football - Brett Favre plays football, done!

His team will be screwed over regardless, but Brett Favre doesn't care, because all he cares about is himself and how many times people say his name, how often poor Rachel Nichols has to be camped out on his front lawn, and how many more tearful press conferences he is able to have (my money is on at least three). Because he knows that when he goes away, no one will care about him anymore, and they will move both their affections and their hatred on to the next quarterback (I bet Brett Favre really hates Tim Tebow). Brett, football will go on without you, please just go away. And the next person out there who is thinking about acting like this? You don't be Brett Favre either.

Don't Forget About HIV

2010-04-29T11:46:00.003-04:00

We're taking a break from our usual bossiness and condescension today, but don't worry - it'll be back tomorrow.

In a letter published in the Washington Post this week, Elton John wrote to his friend Ryan White:

"Dear Ryan:

Twenty years ago this month, you died of AIDS. I would gladly give my fame and fortune if only I could have one more conversation with you, the friend who changed my life as well as the lives of millions living with HIV. Instead, I have written you this letter."

Elton goes on to describe the world Ryan lived in - one where he was expelled from school and shunned and threatened by his community - and to acknowledge the tremendous difference Ryan made once he became a celebrity. As Elton said:

"When the media heralded you as an "innocent victim" because you had contracted AIDS through a blood transfusion, you rejected that label and stood in solidarity with thousands of HIV-positive women and men. You reminded America that all victims of AIDS are innocent.
When you became a celebrity, you embraced the opportunity to educate the nation about the AIDS epidemic, even though your only wish was to live an ordinary life."

And he did. For our readers who were too young in the late 80s to remember, Ryan was on national television, in newspapers, and in front of lawmakers, talking about his experiences as a teenager with HIV and his hopes for the future, both in his own life and for the disease in this country.

As Elton continues to tell Ryan about all the things that have changed about HIV in this country, including the CARE Act that bears his name and how much the disease has changed for children ("Children in America are seldom born with the virus, and they no longer contract it through transfusions"), it is clear how far we've come and what a difference Ryan himself made.

But also:

"Ryan, when you were alive, your story sparked a national conversation about AIDS. But despite all the progress in the past 20 years, the dialogue has waned."

Some facts that Elton shares:

"There are more than 50,000 new infections in the United States each year." From the CDC:
"The release of the first estimates from our nation’s new HIV incidence surveillance system reveal that the HIV epidemic in the United States is—and has been—worse than previously estimated. CDC estimates that 56,300 new HIV infections occurred in the United States in 2006.
Even though the 2006 estimate does not represent an actual increase in the annual number of new infections, but rather, a better way of estimating this number, it is a sobering reminder that the HIV/AIDS epidemic is far from over in this country. A separate CDC historical trend analysis suggests that the number of new HIV infections was never as low as the previous estimate of 40,000 new infections annually and has been roughly stable since the early 2000s." (September 2008)

"In certain parts of the United States, some poor people with AIDS are still placed on waiting lists to receive treatment." As of December of last year, there are nearly 350 people in nine different states on waiting lists for AIDS Drug Assistance Programs, programs that provide HIV prescriptions for low-income patients who have little or no prescription drug coverage.

"It would upset you that AIDS is a leading cause of death among African Americans." And not just a leading cause of death. In fact, it is THE leading cause of death for African-American women between the ages of 25 and 44, and the infection rate of those women is growing faster than any other group.

In addition, in November of 2009, the World Heath Organization announced that HIV/AIDS is now the leading cause of disease and death among women of childbearing age (15-44) worldwide. That's huge news, isn't it? Something you'd expect to hear about? Not only was it barely covered in the mainstream media, it was conspicuously absent from the internet and blogs, too. Even a blog like Jezebel, which positions itself as a feminist view of pop culture, fashion and sex, buried this major piece of information. Consider the following: More than 200,000 people in this country don't know their HIV-positive status. Half of new infections are believed to be among people under 25. I don't have specific demographic information, but I've read Jezebel daily for years, and I am aware that their readership skews young - readers in their 20s - and female. And yet, they decided to put this information smack in between two cutesy bits about animals in their links roundup Leftovers. Maybe because Lady Gaga's makeup wasn't involved?

I was going to start this final paragraph by saying that I'm not trying to lecture you, but you know what? I am. (Turns out the bossiness isn't easy to turn off.) We are woefully complacent about HIV, especially in this country, and there is still so much work to do. So get educated, get tested, and stay safe. And if lipstick will help? Have at it.

Get Educated
The Body
Smart + Strong
AIDS Alliance for Children, Youth and Families
AIDSinfo
AIDS.gov
Ryan's Story

Get Tested
HIV Testing 101
GYT Now
National HIV and STD Resources

Don't Be Afraid of Baking a Cake from Scratch

2010-04-28T12:45:00.007-04:00

Second in an occasional series to lessen your fear of cooking

I know so many people who are terrified of baking anything from scratch, and only make cake from mixes, or biscuits from the Bisquick box or from a can. But I am here to tell you not to be afraid! Really, I promise, baking a cake from scratch is not that much more complicated or difficult than using a mix, and they taste so great. That sense of accomplishment, and the oohs and ahhs and mmmmms that you'll get when you bring that beautiful cake to the table and people dig in are enough to conquer those fears. Most cake mix recipes have you add an egg or two and some oil to the dry mixture, right? Well there are some simple cake recipes that are almost just as easy -- the dry mixture might consist of flour, cocoa, baking powder and salt, but that takes just a few minutes to get together, and you are often just adding eggs and oil to that, and sometimes another liquid. I swear, that can be it, and then you get to brag to people about your cake baking skills and listen to them rave about how good it is.

Here are a few quick things to remember when baking a cake from scratch:

As with the egg whites, it helps to have all of your ingredients at room temperature when you start out. If they're not at room temperature, and you're in a hurry, don't try to warm them up too fast (like in the microwave). For eggs, just put them (uncracked) in a bowl of warm water while you're getting your other ingredients together. For butter, cutting it up into small pieces will help it to soften in just a few minutes.
Pay attention to what the recipe says about the size of the pan, and how many pans to use. Once when I was twelve, I was making our favorite family recipe chocolate cake: it called for three cake pans, but I could only find two, so all of the batter was divided between two pans, and not three. When I checked on the cake midway through the baking and noticed that there was a volcano of batter streaming out of the pans onto the oven floor, I realized my mistake. Don't be like me!
Don't get baking powder and baking soda confused!
Don't overmix the cake; when mixing, you want the ingredients to be just combined enough so that no individual ingredient is distinguishable, but stop as soon as you get to that point.
To get even and flat cake layers (helpful when you want to frost the cake), after you fill the pans, rap each pan on the counter firmly -- that will release any air bubbles, and will keep the cake from having a big dome top. You can also buy some of these cake strips (available at most cooking stores and stores where they have cake decorating supplies), and they are like magic for an evenly baked cake for a nice flat top.
Parchment paper is your friend! Let me tell you, it is so much easier to do almost anything related to baking when you use parchment paper. Just put a little butter in the cake pans to start, then cut a circle of the parchment bigger than you think that you'll need. Fold the circle into a quarter, and put the point of the circle in the middle of the pan, and then fold back the circle where you need to trim the edge off. Unfold, and put the paper circle in the middle, and put a little more oil or butter on top to make it lay flat. Your cakes will be forever easier to take out of the pan.
Buttermilk makes for a great cake, so if you see a recipe that has that as an ingredient, let your eyes perk up a little. You can make a buttermilk substitute in a pinch by adding vinegar or lemon juice to milk, just a tablespoon per cup, and let it sit for about five minutes.
Frosting the cake: It is much much easier to frost a cake once it has cooled all the way, and it is even easier if you do a light layer of frosting all over the cake, then pop it into the fridge to let it chill, and then finish the frosting job (this is called a crumb coat). But honestly, if you don't have time for that, your cake is going to taste just as good even if it looks a little more, let's call it "rustic" shall we? Just make sure it cools, because otherwise you'll pull off chunks of cake as you try to frost, and that's no fun.

But honestly, even if you forget most of these things, you can still turn out a good homemade cake. The second and third points are the most important of that list; if you use straight from the fridge ingredients, have no parchment paper, stir up the cake willy-nilly, and you don't have time to cool it all the way before frosting it, it'll still taste good (for the latter instance, just use a glaze, it's much more forgiving, or even better, make a cake that you can just dust powdered sugar over and call it a day).

Here are a few good recipes for easy, practically no fail cakes:

Double Chocolate Cake

This is based on the double chocolate layer cake from Epicurious, but I've made a few changes to the recipe that make it a little easier, the biggest of which is to convert it from 10 inch cake pans (which most people don't readily have on hand) to 8 inch cake pans.

Ingredients:

2 ounces semi sweet or bittersweet chocolate
1 cup hot brewed coffee (if you have no coffee on hand, just use hot water)
2 cups sugar
1 2/3 cups all-purpose flour
1 cup unsweetened cocoa powder (not Dutch process)
1 1/3 teaspoons baking soda
2/3 teaspoon baking powder
3/4 teaspoons salt
2 large eggs
1/2 cup vegetable oil
1 cup well-shaken buttermilk
1/2 teaspoon vanilla

Preheat oven to 300°F, grease pans, and line with parchment as discussed above.

Finely chop chocolate and in a bowl combine with hot coffee or water. Let mixture stand, stirring occasionally, until chocolate is melted and mixture is smooth.

Into a large bowl sift together sugar, flour, cocoa powder, baking soda, baking powder, and salt. In another large bowl with an electric mixer beat eggs until thickened slightly and lemon colored: about 3 minutes with a standing mixer, 5 minutes with a hand-held mixer, or 8 by hand. Slowly add oil, buttermilk, vanilla, and melted chocolate mixture to eggs, beating until combined well. Add sugar mixture and beat on medium speed until just combined well. Divide batter between pans and bake in middle of oven until a tester inserted in center comes out clean, 35 to 45 minutes.

Cool layers completely in pans on racks. Run a thin knife around edges of pans and invert layers onto racks. Carefully remove wax paper and cool layers completely. Cake layers may be made 1 day ahead and kept, wrapped well in plastic wrap, at room temperature.

Frost with your favorite chocolate frosting recipe, or the recipe in the linked recipe (or if you run out of steam for making frosting, I don't want to push you, just go with frosting from a can for now!)

Dense Chocolate Loaf Cake
This recipe is from the Domestic Goddess herself, Nigella Lawson, and it is easy and delicious, and it is one of those wonderful cakes where frosting it is not necessary.

1 cup unsalted butter, softened
2/3 cups dark brown sugar
2 large eggs, beaten
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
4 ounces bittersweet chocolate, melted
1-1/3 cups all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 cup plus 2 tablespoons boiling water

Preheat the oven to 375 degrees F, put in a baking sheet in case of sticky drips later, and grease and line the 9x5 inch loaf pan with parchment paper (don't forget the parchment here, it's a very wet cake so you'll need it).

Combine the flour and baking soda in a small bowl, set aside. Beat the butter and sugar together, either with a wooden spoon or with an electric hand-held mixer, then add the eggs and vanilla, beating in well. Next, fold in the melted and now slightly cooled chocolate, blending it in gently and not beating hard. Then gently add the flour and baking soda mixture, alternately spoon by spoon, with the boiling water until you have a smooth fairly liquid batter. Pour into the lined loaf pan, and bake for 30 minutes. Turn the oven down to 325 degrees F and continue to cook for another 15 minutes. The cake will still be a bit squidgy inside (don't you love Nigella?), so an inserted cake tester or skewer won't come out completely clean.

Place the loaf pan on a rack, and leave to get completely cold before turning it out. Don't worry if it sinks in the middle: indeed, it will do so because it's such a dense and damp cake. Dust with powdered sugar, or don't worry about it, and slice and serve with whipped cream or ice cream.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

See, those didn't look that hard, now did they? The next time you reach for that box mix, don't do it! Think of these recipes and dozens of other easy ones, and bake it from scratch!

Getting more ambitious? Here are some fantastic tips about making and frosting layer cakes.

Don't Ruin Your Rep, Reality Stars!

2010-04-26T10:55:00.000-04:00

(Image via TLO)

Another season of Project Runway has (relatively boringly) come to an end. And with the end of a season of a competitive reality show come the inevitable reunion shows and the interviews with the contestants. Unfortunately, this also tends to be the time when reality show stars feel the need to stick their feet in their mouths. Sometimes that's fine - when Richard Hatch convienently forgot to pay taxes on his million dollar prize, none of us was especially surprised. And of course, "I wasn't there to make friends" is the supreme cliche of reality TV at this point, so that's just white noise. Plus, we tend to be able to forgive a lot when the show is running - the exhaustion, the editing, the totally bizarre environments of these shows...I'm not sure that Mother Teresa would necessarily be a fan fave.

But what about people who have come off pretty well on the show? In this post-season of Project Runway alone, we've got two really great examples of this. First, Jay Nicolas Sario was the last designer eliminated before Bryant Park. He showed a gorgeous collection in the tents and came off pretty low-key on the show. Alas, he then spent the reunion talking shit about a model that he had never even worked with, telling her that she's the reason he "won't hire models with bad teeth and big legs." Not to mention some unfortunate misogyny and just straight-up rudeness in post-show interviews. Classy, kid.

And what about Anthony Williams, also from this season of PR? He was far and away the fan favorite of the year, and when he was able to come back after his elimination to replace a designer that had quit, the internets - including us - rejoiced. Unfortunately for all involved, once he got eliminated a second time, he decided to put our love to the test, by giving an interview with EW that included soundbites about how you shouldn't listen to Tim Gunn. That's just a start, and doesn't include the bits about ignoring the blogs (uh-oh) and his not-very-apologetic apology to Mila on the reunion. (Although, I have to be honest - I'm totally stealing his "I can't give her a kidney" line, because I am just that bitchy.)

Survivor is also rife with these examples. I mean, take the adorable Elisabeth Filarski from seaon two, Australia. She had the super-cute pigtails, the self-made immunity headdress that she brought as her luxury item, and her sunny and charming personality - she wasn't the last person left on her tribe (finishing fourth overall) by accident. But now? Elisabeth Filarski has morphed into Elisabeth Hasselbeck, the slightly crazy and definitely shrill right-wing-representation on morning chatfest The View.

And speaking of Survivor winners pissing away America's Goodwill, I'm not sure anyone can even begin to live up to Brian Heidik, who did porn, went on Survivor, won the hearts of viewers and a million dollars, went home and SHOT A PUPPY. WITH A BOW AND ARROW. There's really not much more to say after that.

Rob and Amber, who you probably know from Survivors: Australia, Marquesas and All-Stars, as well as The Amazing Race 7, are on another end of this spectrum. While some of us love them (I definitely watched their 2-hour special about their wedding), many more of us love to hate them and their dumbassery on reality television. But have you noticed? Away from TV, these two are refreshingly low-key. I mean, did you even know that they had a baby almost a year ago? Probably not, and you know why? They're not selling EXCLUSIVE PHOTOS! to Us Magazine, giving infuriating (or even charming) interviews, or any of the rest of it. Yes, Rob just did Survivor: Heroes vs. Villans, but when he got eliminated, away he went.

And then, of course, there's Jon Gosselin, the King of this post. Jon is someone who had all the sympathy coming out of his marriage and his show. According to the internet message boards and the tabloids, Kate was the unreasonable, OCD shrew who had browbeaten this wonderful guy into an emasculated and unhappy shell of the man he once was. And we all know how that one ended up: in a cloud of blonde rebound girls, new vehicles and Ed Hardy. He turned the tables on himself completely, and suddenly found himself on the opposite end of all those exclamation-pointed headlines. Of course, Dancing With The Stars hasn't exactly helped Kate's image much, so...let's all take up a collection for the kids' therapy and proceed to ignore their parents, shall we?

Basically, this entire post is a plea to our current favorite reality star, the hilarious and charming Chad OchoCinco. We love his enthusiasm, his flirting with Cheryl, his name change, his celebrating, his enjoyment of McDonald's, his friendship with Erin Andrews and, most especially, his fantastically delightful Twitter, wherein he lays out his requirements for a relationship (McDonald's, weekly mani-pedis, and time to play Call of Duty), asks Oprah out on dates, and has long and thoughtful discussions with his followers about successful women. Who knew we could get all that from a silly football player who spends the off-season on Dancing With The Stars? And so we hope that Chad, once his days of dancing are over and he starts giving interviews about his experience on the show, will stop, think about how so many of us adore him, and not piss away this country's goodwill. Of course, I've never gotten the impression that he is anything less than totally psyched about DWTS, so I'm not too terribly concerned, but still...don't fuck it up, Chad!

Don't Try So Hard, Zoe Saldana

2010-04-24T08:00:00.001-04:00

There are a lot of things I like about Zoe Saldana. Her acting, first and foremost. Granted, neither Pirates of the Caribbean nor Star Trek are exactly Oscar-worthy dramas, but they are two of my favorite films, and I enjoy her performance in both. (I didn't see Avatar. Yes, I know I'm the only one in the Western Hemisphere. But I heard she was good.)

She has fantastic fashion sense too, the muppet she wore to The Oscars notwithstanding. She looked super-cute on The Daily Show and here she is at The Losers premiere looking characteristically sharp.

But as you may have noticed, this post is not titled Rock On, Zoe Saldana. That's because I feel like whenever I read a quote from her, it either starts out okay and then tips over into Wait, what? or it just makes no sense to begin with. I suspect that in her desire to supply provocative quotes to go along with her current status as Hollywood's It Girl, she's just going a little too far. Or maybe, like my mother-in-law, she simply doesn't listen to the words coming out of her mouth.

A sampling:

“I’ve never really been that feminine. Look in my closet and you’ll see things that are elegant, sexy, tomboyish, sophisticated, beautiful, aggressive. It’s harsh. It’s a lot of black. Pretty is the last word you would think of. Sometimes, I have to give myself permission to be pretty.” (Source)

So...clothes that are elegant, sexy, tomboyish, sophisticated, beautiful, aggressive, or black aren't pretty? And I can't even mock the "permission to be pretty" bit, because I honestly have no idea what she's talking about. Let's move on to another quote on the same theme:

"I have a very strong character and I like to be challenged. Men's clothing makes me feel empowered so I often wear a man's suit. Sometimes I think I should have been born a guy! I wear black a lot and I like solid colors. Like me, they're independent, bold and decisive." (Source)

I guess if she'd been born a guy she could wear men's suits more often? Maybe? I have no idea. Also, I have an independent couch, bold tea pot, and decisive bed skirt. I like assigning random adjectives to things. It's fun.

So what have we learned? That Zoe Saldana is not feminine. Just to hammer home the point:

“I love acting with men. I tend to gravitate toward roles in movies where I get to be the only girl.” (Source)

She is all about men. Men, men, men! Her treehouse has a "No Girlz Allowed" sign. Vaginas = icky. Now let's move on to her feelings on social issues:

On sex: “Love it, love it, love it-can’t live without it! I love sex. I love skin. I don’t believe the body is something to hide. I think in American society we’re messing up our kids by taking away the education on and awareness of our sexuality and replacing it with violence, guns and video games-and we’re breeding little criminals.” (Source)

I also enjoy sex. I would gladly trade the gratuitous violence in movies for gratuitous sex. But I'm not entirely sure lack of sex ed is a leading cause of gang violence. Plus, this quote comes from a woman starring in a movie where she blows shit up with a rocket launcher. I don't know that she's in any position to be condemning violence in American society.

Here she is talking about the furor over Vanity Fair's all-white "Young Hollywood" cover:

“I feel like we can spend a lot of time bashing our beautiful country, but we don’t give it enough credit." ... The actress explained that though the magazine might not be the best representation of Hollywood, she’s hopeful the media will catch up with the reality of what constitutes the fabric of the country. “Our pace might be a little slow and it might not be on par to how we, as American civilians, would like it to be, but it is still an amazing country,” Zoe continued. “So, when I look at magazines like Vanity Fair and Vogue, I know that it’s just a matter of time, the same way Obama took his time and he got to office and became President… it’s just a matter of time until magazines, the media, our art, our culture, our colloquial lifestyle, tags along to our today reality.” (Source)

Yeah, your guess is as good as mine. Here are her ideas about roles for women:

Zoe also credits Angelina [Jolie], Salma Hayek and Halle Berry for opening up more options to female actresses. "Before them, women were just sex pots or mothers. They were never the heroes who saved the day. They've enabled a generation of actresses to have a bigger variety of roles. If I wanted to be part of a story that is amazing and had a lot of sexual openness, that's fine. But I am so grateful to know that, like them, I can open different doors for women." (Source)

I guess she never saw Alien? Or, if we're talking about movies where women aren't "just sex pots or mothers," Heathers, The Manchurian Candidate, Arsenic and Old Lace, Notorious, and The Philadelphia Story? And that's just the ones in my DVD collection! I bet there are at least, like, ten more.

Let's close things out with the only Zoe quote that actually annoys me:

You're playing a black ops soldier in the adaptation of the graphic novel The Losers, out in April. Do you enjoy roles that require you to run around and shoot a gun?
"Like you wouldn't believe. It turns me on in a way that I shouldn't be saying. It's not the guns that turn me on, though--it's seeing women in a commanding position. It's boring to always play the victim. [In sobbing victim's voice] "Rape me! I'll have your child!" Eff that! Why don't you have my baby and wait at home while I go kill some motherfuckers? It's just very empowering. [Laughs.]" (Source)

I have a baby. Until I had a baby, I would have told you that I had no desire to "go kill some motherfuckers." Now, pedestrians who so much as look at me and my kid wrong are in danger of getting their heads ripped off. The idea that men = asskickers and women = victims and weaklings makes me want to punch someone. Possibly Zoe Saldana.

Don't Wear White Tights

2010-04-22T08:00:00.000-04:00

Because they make you look like a little girl, give you stumpy legs, make your shoes look terrible, are ugly, and make Roxy cry.

(It was also nearly 70 degrees the day I snapped this picture. There was no reason on earth to be wearing tights at all, nevermind white ones.)

Don't Ban Books

2010-04-21T10:07:00.002-04:00

I was going to save this post for Banned Books week but a few things that I read this last week infuriated me, and I couldn't wait until September. And you know, I think that we need more than a once a year reminder about this. First the ALA announced their list of this year's most banned books, which had some surprising titles. And then I read the story of some women in Florida who basically want to preemptively ban all of the books in the library of the whole COUNTY. To all of this, I have one very simple thing to say: Don't ban books.

As I have already documented here, I love books and reading. When I was a little kid, I was an incredibly voracious reader. My parents were both in graduate school when I was little, so we had books all over our house. I learned to read at age three, so I grew up with the perspective that reading was just what you did with your leisure time. My reading level was consistently years above my age, so books geared at kids my age were always too easy and boring for me. Therefore, I usually read books that were the perfect level of difficulty and complexity for me, but the topics were often a few years above me in maturity level. There are times when I've reread some of the books that I loved as a kid and realize that there are entire plotlines that went way over my head because I was too young for them (for instance, House Like a Lotus by Madeleine L'Engle is one of my favorite books in the world, but wow did I miss a lot in those first ten or so readings). My parents never forbade me to read books that were too old for me, or that might have themes about drugs, or sex, or abuse. Instead, my mom just read books along with me.

Any books that my mom had the slightest question about, she would read as soon as I finished it. I thought that we were just sharing books, and we were, but she was also checking up on what I was reading. My tricky mother, I only realized when I was in my twenties that this wasn't just a fun mom and daughter book club. In that way, I felt like I had all of the freedom in the world to read whatever I wanted, and I also felt free to talk to my mom about whatever I was reading and whatever upsetting or confusing issues raised therein because I knew that she was reading the books too. Not only did this lead to great communication between me and my mom, it made it much easier for me to bring up difficult topics with my mom, because it is so much easier for a pre-teen to talk about hard things in the context of a fictional world than the context of real life. It also, not coincidentally, lead to a lifetime of my mother and I sharing books and handing them off to one another, and she's still the first person I call when I finish a book that I love so that I can insist that she read it too.

And let's talk about some of those books on the most banned list. Twilight? Really? Twilight has many problems, but being sexually explicit is just not one of them. The Perks of Being a Wallflower is an absolutely wonderful book that has [SPOILER ALERT] molestation as a key plot point -- isn't it important for kids to learn about that, and to know that they should be able to talk to their parents or someone else about it? [END SPOILERS] And really, penguins? A true story about two male penguins that became a couple? To Kill a Mockingbird has been challenged because there's racism in it, which seems to be missing the whole point about the reason that kids should read this book. There are plenty of trashy books that are full of sex, drugs, violence, and racism but there is also a lot of great literature full of all of those topics, and I'm so glad that my parents never barred me from reading any of it

Instead of the fantastic and thoughtful parenting employed by my parents, the parents in that Florida county would prefer to be the kind of parents who don't want to engage with their children at all. So instead of sitting down and talking to them about sex, or drug use, or creepy sparkling stalkery vampires, the parents choose to just slap a warning label on the books so that they can make sure that their kids, and the kids of lots of other parents are never faced with those issues, and therefore never even learn about sex and drugs and creepy stalking sparkly vampires.

But we all know that that's not what happens. Teenagers will always learn about drugs and sex (okay, maybe not the vampires). And there is nothing more enticing to all of us than the forbidden -- the more their parents tell them that they're not allowed to read something, or see something, or do something, the more teens will want to do it. I am not saying that the good move is to tell your teens to go out and use drugs and have sex and get together with those vampires, but trying to keep them from even learning that any of those things exist will make them all the more exciting. I had read plenty of books that had drugs and sex as part of the plotlines by the time that I was in high school, and what those books taught me was that none of those things was a bed of roses, and that I really didn't want to deal with all of that stress when just being a fourteen year old was hard enough. Are all teenagers going to make the same choices that I did? No, but I would prefer that they at least had all of the information available to them in order to make the choice that is the correct one for them.

Those parents in Florida, and all other people who want to ban or otherwise restrict books really just need to stop and think about how education is the best thing for all of us, and how they should be trying to broaden their childrens' minds, and not limit them. And then don't ban books.

Tuesday Quickies: Teething Edition

2010-04-20T10:15:00.004-04:00

I had a theme for this week, but I'm sleep deprived and I never get my shit together to find ten links for it. Yes, that's right: I am too tired to surf the web. So have some things from my bookmarks that have made me giggle.

Don't try to steal this dude's iPhone:
Chased Down a Thief Today (Localocracy)

Don't forget--Vajazzling still exists:
Sexist Beatdown: Vajazzling, and its Inevitable Male Counterpart, Dickerating (Washington City Paper)

Don't forget to turn off the lensflare machine:
Star Trek: How It Should Have Ended (HISHE)

Don't read this somewhere you can't laugh out loud:
The Alot is better than you at everything (Hyperbole and a Half)

Don't expect the usual relationship advice from someone named 'Mann Landers':
The Mann Landers Column

Don't send these cards to relatives who don't understand the young people's humor:
Foxy Blunt

Don't declare yourself King of the Geeks until you take this quiz along with John Hodgman and Patton Oswalt:
Science Fiction Trivia Challenge (WFMU)

I don't believe there's a town named "Fingringhoe." They must have made that up.
Britain's Rudest Place Names (The Telegraph)

Don't buy a jetpack for $90,000. Wait for it to go on sale.
Safe and Affordable Jetpack: Just $90,000 (Wired)

From the wayback machine: "I don't think this internet thing will catch on."
Why the Web Won't Be Nirvana (Newsweek)

Don't Threaten To Murder Me

2010-04-19T06:00:00.002-04:00

Mrs. White: He had threatened to kill me in public.
Miss Scarlet: Why would he want to kill you in public?
Wadsworth: I think she meant he threatened, in public, to kill her.
Miss Scarlet: Oh.

A few days later, I can be blase about this, but on Friday? Less so.

Remember when we asked you to do (or rather, not do) this? That goes double for those of you out there who are angry racists who object to having the children on the bus pointed out to you when you are loudly and profanely disparaging an entire culture of people. I'm pretty sure that then turning your angry racism on me, calling me all manner of colorful and derogatory terms, and telling me just exactly how hard you're going to kick my ass and how much you want me to die, qualifies as Being An Asshole On Public Transportation. Knock it off.

But hey! Don't let this put you off public transport, dear Reader. In all my years of bus-riding - many of them spent on that exact route, my city's most...exciting - that was the first experience like that I've had. One angry racist isn't going to keep me from taking advantage of the public transportation system that my city has spent time and money to build and keep relevant, and it shouldn't intimidate you, either. But the next time someone is spouting crazy, I will probably stop, think, and keep my nose in my book.

Don't Click On This Link

2010-04-16T08:05:00.003-04:00

Oh, you're thinking, this one of those reverse psychology things, right? She actually wants me to click the link.

No! I don't! I mean, look at the title:

Just Discovered: A Leech With Giant Teeth That Lives In Your Nose

A leech. With giant teeth. That LIVES IN YOUR NOSE.

A short scene:

Daisy: Clicks Ew. EW. EEEEEWWWWW. WHY DID AM I READING THIS?
Mr. Razor: What? Looks OH GOD, WHY ARE YOU READING THAT?
Daisy: I don't know!
Mr. Razor: Go back! Go back!

I'm not kidding. It's disgusting. And disturbing. Don't look.

Happy Friday, all!

Don't forget to send in your census form

2010-04-15T13:18:00.002-04:00

Article 2, Section 2, Clause 2.3 of the United States Constitution states in part:

The actual Enumeration shall be made within three years after the first meeting of the Congress of the United States, and within every subsequent term of ten years, in such manner as they shall by law direct.*

Here's a little public service announcement from the Don't Do That team: People, don't forget to send in your census form! Mail it in by tomorrow! If you like where you live at all, or you're planning to live there for any period of time, or you have friends and family who are planning to live there for any period of time, it is very important that you fill in the form. Getting them the numbers of how many people live in your area will bring (or take away) a lot of important things to your neighborhood, city, county, and state, including public transportation, good roads, increased funding for the schools, additional representation in Congress, and all sorts of other good stuff.

The census ads all say that it takes ten minutes to fill out ten questions, but it really takes much less. So go, fill it out and send it in!

* The sentence that starts right before the one that I quoted refers to "three fifths of all other persons" and well, I like to fill out the census as a shot in the face to all of those people who wished that I still counted as three fifths of a person, especially in honor of Confederate History Month.

Yes, Do That: Embrace Civility (and Tea)

2010-04-14T13:56:00.014-04:00

I had plans to attend the Tea Party Express rally (featuring Sarah Palin!) this morning, mostly because it was supposed to be nice out and I had nothing better to do. But my non-taxpaying, Communist daughter clearly had other ideas and kept me awake most of the night. By the time we got going this morning, Palin's speech had already started.

Baby Razor wasn't happy that we went anyway.

(Look at the little Bolshevik. She's even wearing red.)

Then the stupid, Socialist bus was late, and when it showed up the driver announced that there was a mechanical problem and dispatch wasn't responding to him, so the bus was out of service. Sigh. Honestly, the MBTA is one of those things that makes me kind of understand the tea partiers point of view, because, you know, I pay taxes for and rely on public transportation that blows goats. I'd almost be willing to stop paying those taxes so they could stop pretending they're going to get me anywhere in a timely manner. I don't blame Obama for the T's debt though, which is where the tea partiers and I part ways again.

Anyway. By the time I got to Boston Common most of the sound and fury was over, so I took pictures of the genteel counter-protest organized by the Real Boston Tea Party. Their idea was that no matter what your politics, you should disagree civilly. We at Don't Do That couldn't agree more, since two of our most sacred tenets are Don't Be Rude and Don't Act Like An Asshole In Public. We don't think these rules are unreasonable, but a lot of people seem to have trouble with them.

So a hearty Yes, Do That! to people from any spot on the political spectrum who reject name-calling and hyperbole and refuse the temptation to demonize opposing viewpoints.

Cookies are always nice too.

Don't blame the wife

2010-04-14T06:28:00.004-04:00

When the news about the Jesse James philandering started to break, I found out about it (as with many other things in life these days) from a link that one of my friends posted on Facebook. One of the first comments in response was "Well, you know, Sandy hasn't always been good at holding on to her man." Ooh, REALLY? Then came this article on Jezebel, which declared that we should think less of Sandra Bullock for being married to someone who would strike a “Heil Hitler” pose for a camera (since she obviously knew every detail about his life). And then there was this lovely Twitter post by Jim Carrey, who said with regard to the Tiger Woods situation:

No wife is blind enough to miss that much infidelity. Elin had 2 b a willing participant on the ride 4 whatever reason. kids/lifestyle ;^)

Not ready to end there, he followed it up by saying:

RT I want 2 make it CLEAR that I do not condone infidelity at all, but 2 some degree the responsibilty 4 it is shared by both people! ;^)

Let me say this in words of one syllable, so that hopefully people will understand: Don't blame the wife.

Think back, why don't you, to that last asshole that you dated. Did you know everything that there was to know about him? Did you, maybe even after you broke up, find out something about him (or her) that shocked you? For instance, that he slept with someone else the weekend before your wedding? Or maybe that he stole money out of your bank account while the two of you were on a romantic trip through Europe? Or, possibly, that though he'd been married to you for twenty five years, he'd been having an affair for the past nine, and had two children with his mistress? Because if so, you are not alone: those stories all true, and all about people that I know well, are just the first three that popped into my head, and I'm sure that I could come up with more if I thought about it harder. And let me tell you, none of the three of them had any idea what was going on. I knew (and very much liked!) two of the three above assholes, and I was stunned. So let's stop it with the "She must have known! She was stupid if she didn't know! The fact that he was doing this must mean that she agreed with him!" bullshit.

Sure, there are some wives who are guilty as charged. The wife of Phillip Garrido? Yeah, I'd say knowingly standing by while your husband kidnapped a girl and then held her hostage makes you pretty worth the blame. But those wives are few and far between, and mostly it's just a lot of women who have their lives thrown upside down when they realize that their husband has had a secret second life and in fact, is a totally different person than the husband that they knew. I'm not sure why the picture of Jesse James striking a "Heil Hitler" pose is enough to convince people that Sandra Bullock must have known that her husband was a racist; he was obviously pretty good at hiding key things about his life from her and everyone else, as we see more and more details come out by the day. No, infidelity is not the "responsibilty" of both people, unless you're counting Tiger and his little Tiger as two people.

The problem is that people love to blame the victim in order to convince themselves that they could never be a victim in that same way, and that therefore it must have been something that she did wrong, or that she already knew about. Why can't they just blame the husband? It's about what he did wrong. It's about Tiger sleeping with some girl that he's known since she was nine, and about him sleeping with someone right after Elin had their first baby. It's about Jesse James being a racist sleazeball that cheats on his wife with other racist sleazeballs. Why can't everyone just concentrate on their horrible behavior, and not try to throw some of the blame on their wives, who are the ones who are the biggest victims?

Notice, by the way, that this post is titled "Don't blame the wife" and not "Don't blame the spouse." This is not because I think that husbands are any more to blame for the criminal, abusive, or just jerky behavior of their wives. It's because I have no reason to make that post, because no one ever blames the husband. Women are supposed to be all knowing when it comes to their husbands, and to do everything that they can to keep them on the straight and narrow, but no one expects a husband to know much about his wife. It's so interesting that no one cares to blame the victim when the victim is a man.

So please, do me a favor. The next time you hear a story about some guy who goes around kicking puppies, or sleeping with all of the librarians in the Tri-State area, or wasting really good champagne, and you're about to say, with regard to his wife, "Girl, that says more about her than it does about him!" just stop, think about how it's really the fault of the puppy kicking, librarian heartbreaking, no good dirty bubbly waster, and don't do it. Instead, maybe you could bring his wife a bottle of champagne when she gets rid of him.

Tuesday Quickies: Love, Marriage, Baby Carriage Edition

2010-04-13T06:03:00.002-04:00

As our resident mother is enjoying a greatly deserved mini vacation, we have some links about marriage, kids and parenting for you today:

Don't want Great Aunt Helen to come to the wedding? Here's a fantastic way to keep her from the details: 8-Bit Game Wedding Invitations for German Couple (Komplett Blog)

There are so many don'ts to choose from here. Don't put fruit in your wedding photos? Don't wear those weird fake gloves? Don't tie your tie so that it looks like a vagina?: ...What is going on here? (Wedinator)

Don't shrink your grandma's hands! Oh, those are...baby hands? Yeah, don't do that either: WTF (STFU Parents)

Don't miss this video of POTUS and FLOTUS if you need a little happiness to start your day: Obamas share private moment (CNN)

Don't skip this Pulitzer Prize winning article because the subject matter is heartbreaking, it's got information that every parent should know: Fatal Distraction (Washington Post) (Chat with the author today.)

Don't let this happen again, CRAYOLA: Consumer Reporting (Amalah)

Don't start a fight in front of your kids at the Children's Museum, for goodness sake: 2 women brawl at Children's Museum Not so Minnesota Nice, hmmmmmm? (KSTP TV)

Think your business idea sounds kind of gross? Don't worry: the name of this one makes skin crawl, and businesses like it are apparently booming: Killing Lice is a Growing Business (New York Times)

Don't actually tell your kids stories like these, because they'll believe you (trust me, my dad did something similar to my sister, she believed that she was from an alien planet for a long time): I hope they don't have kids in hell (Que Sera Sera)

Don't try to pretend you don't love this kid. Okay, well, unless you hate the Red Sox: Joshua Sacco Delivers Herb Brooks' 'Miracle' Speech Before Red Sox Opener (NESN)

Don't give this kid detention for being cracking you up: Awesome Kid Gets Detention for being Hilarious (Huffington Post)

Don't you want to be this girl? Or have her dad? Yeah, we do too: Voltron Girl (Buzzfeed)

Want links to other things not to do? Follow us on Twitter.

Don't Humiliate Yourself For Fashion

2010-04-12T07:00:00.004-04:00

Last week was a hell of a long and tough week for me at work. On Friday afternoon, I was so glad to be able to come home and sit on my patio with a glass of wine and the latest issue of Marie Claire magazine (PS, how PRETTY is Jessica Simpson?). Alas, my reverie was interrupted when I turned to page 62 and saw this.

(Click to see the full horror, including the WTF-inducing copy.)

I mean. Is somebody kidding? Is it April Fool's again and I didn't notice? Because that is the only plausible explanation I could come up with. This is not a feature about a cute bathing suit for your summer vacation, nor is it even attempting to pretend that the bikini bottoms (BIKINI BOTTOMS) are shorts. Nope. They genuinely think you should be wearing blazers, stilettos and HALF A BATHING SUIT out in public.

Doesn't Nina Garcia work at Marie Claire? Do you really expect me to believe that this fierce bitch wants women to be parading around the streets of this country half-naked? Because I don't.

And also! I don't care how many shiny magazines tell you it's a good idea, or how many fancy celebrities have embraced it, TIGHTS ARE NOT PANTS. And if Blair Waldorf says it, it is probably gospel. (In the future, these may come in handy. Keep 'em in your wallet!) People. Don't Humiliate Yourself For Fashion.

If it looks gorgeous on the hanger or fab on your coworker, but not so great on you? That is okay! I bought a pair of shoes today that I think are completely adorable, and also very trendy, but the longer I wore them in front of the mirror at home, the more I realized how unflattering they are on me. Just because it's at Mod Cloth (ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS) or H&M (remind me to tell you the story of the Sad 80s Corner that Brownie and I discovered when we went shopping last fall) doesn't mean it's automatically cute. Just because 7 For All Mankind is an upscale designer denim brand doesn't mean you should drop $180 for these. Please oh please remember, especially you kids out there, that we old people lived through the bad fashion of the 80s and 90s so that YOU don't have to.

(Sidebar: Why are they bringing all the terrible 90s fashion back? Where are the babydoll dresses and the Doc Martens and the girls taking style tips from Angela Chase, Rayanne Graf and Courtney Love? Why ACID WASH and TAPERED LEGS and whatever the hell this is??)

So this spring, as you're hitting the stores to get ready for the next few months of sunshine (or winter, for our upside-down readers), take a moment and think. Is this flattering on me? (You can go up a size and no one will know, we promise.) Will I wear this more than once? Is this the grown-up size of that outfit I wore for Easter in 1992? Am I only considering this because it's "trendy"? If the answers to those questions are No, No, Yes, and Yes, just stop, think about how much more fun it is to be comfortable and look like a normal person, and don't buy into that terrible trend.

Don't Use Your Dead Dad To Rebuild Your Brand

2010-04-09T07:00:00.000-04:00

Of all the things I thought I would never have to tell people not to do, Don't Use Your Dead Dad To Sell Shit was, well, not even on the list, because honestly, what kind of creepy sociopath would you have to be to think that thirty seconds of you looking sad, coupled with the beyond-the-grave words of a deceased parent, would make us forget the epic slut parade to which you subjected America?

This kind of creepy sociopath, apparently:

Dear World,

He's sorry he banged all those skanks and his dead dad wants you to buy some Nike products. Thanks for your support!

Don't Shit on Erin Andrews

2010-04-08T13:58:00.011-04:00

Erin Andrews, sideline reporter for ESPN for Major League Baseball, college football and basketball, and a variety of other sports, has had a tough year, to put it mildly. And now someone is suggesting that she's brought it all on herself and looks like a bimbo? Just STOP. Don't shit on Erin Andrews, and don't blame her for wanting to move on with her life.

In a scenario that would make just about any woman terrified, a creepy stalker was following her around the country, getting hotel rooms next to hers (apparently just by asking the hotel for a room near hers, which is so frightening), and then filming her changing in her hotel room through a peephole. And she found out about all of this because he put those videos on the internet. Thankfully, a while after the videos and the knowledge that it was her on the tapes became public, they caught the guy, and he is now in prison. But countless numbers of people saw that video, and now feel free to make nasty comments to her as she tries to do her job. And she won't be able to go into a hotel room for a really long time and feel at ease, and has nightmares about someone attacking her (and, of course, just him being sentenced caused people to start searching online for the video all over again).

In an attempt to move on, she joined the cast of Dancing with the Stars this season (as many journalists and athletes have done in the past). It seemed like a good fit for her to do something different, especially since she was on the dance team in college. And, quite frankly, she is rocking it this season, being smart and funny and getting good scores from the judges. Then, she just recently found out that she's been getting death threats from someone who has apparently been sending harassing emails since September. Despite that, she is still on the show, still smiling, and still saying entertaining things about the show, dancing, and OchoCinco on her Twitter feed. And yet, apparently, she's "made a fool out of herself and a sham of her profession."

How, exactly, did she do that? The reporter is sure to mention that she's a "comely blonde" and she was "flashing cleavage and thigh." And also that because she's a woman, she has to work twice as hard as men. Ah, so women journalists aren't allowed to relax and have fun, and definitely not allowed to wear pretty dresses. When Kenny Mayne -- also a reporter on ESPN, just like Andrews -- was on Dancing with the Stars a few seasons ago, did he make a sham of his profession? Oh, right, because he wasn't flashing cleavage! And he wasn't consorting with the likes of Pamela Anderson. The misogyny in that whole article is just insane, and it's coming from a woman. I'm not even going to link to some of the crazy comments on male dominated sports blogs about Andrews, but trust me, they're dripping with pure hatred of this attractive woman who dared to make a career out of sports journalism and then dares to enjoy it and enjoy herself. They loved her comeuppance, and are now angry that she's on national TV and isn't hiding out somewhere covering up every inch of skin and crying herself to sleep every night.

I hope that Erin Andrews stays on Dancing with the Stars as long as possible, as a big FUCK YOU to that guy in prison, all of those blog commenters, the people at those hotels who gave that guy in prison rooms next to hers, the woman who wrote that article, and everyone else who doubted her. Next time you want to shit on Erin Andrews for trying to move on with her life, just stop, think about everything that she's had to go through, and whether if you were her, you would be, as Daisy put it "in a cabin in Montana and with an extensive automatic weapon collection," and don't do it.

Update: Erin Andrews responds in an interview:
I'm just confused because I guess it's OK for an NFL player and a gold medalist to do the show and be taken seriously, but nobody else is allowed. People say, "How do you expect to be taken seriously?" Well, Evan Lysacek is taking this so seriously. The guy just won a gold medal, has tons of endorsements, celebrities around the world want to meet him. Chad Ochocinco takes this so serious. He and Cheryl Burke are in the studio seven to eight hours a day. So that's my biggest confusion with the few people who judge me and say this is the wrong thing to do. I don't know what damage I'm doing. I'm basically killing myself to not embarrass myself. I've been in the top three in scoring each week, behind an athlete and a professional dancer and singer. I'm not sure what damage I created for myself. What am I doing to be a bimbo? I don't understand what I'm doing wrong.

You're not doing anything wrong at all!

Don't be afraid of whipping egg whites

2010-04-07T12:29:00.005-04:00

Last week, poor Roxy had a harrowing egg white experience. She was making these cupcakes, and started whipping the egg whites for them. And she whipped, and she whipped, and she whipped, and whipped some more (not like that, you dirty people), and then she brought the laptop into the kitchen and IMed me in panic after she had been whipping the egg whites for 15 minutes and there was froth but nothing else. She was typing with one hand while holding the electric beater in the other hand, and while she managed not to get any egg white in her laptop, the whites were still not light and cloudy. I talked her down, we figured out the problem, she started over, and soon had beautifully fluffy egg whites, and the resulting cupcakes were delicious. So, in this first installment of an occasional series about food and cooking, I am here to tell you: Don't be afraid of whipping egg whites.

Now, as Roxy's experience shows, beating egg whites can be a little tricky, but if you remember a few key things, it will be a breeze. First, start with your equipment: room temperature egg whites, a clean, dry bowl, and clean dry beaters. The most important thing for the latter two are that they are clean and, you guessed it, bone dry. Apparently a copper bowl is the best thing for whipping egg whites, but seriously, who has a copper bowl? Glass or metal will do just fine. As for your beater, I usually whip my egg whites in my stand mixer, but a hand mixer is actually easier, especially if you only have a few whites. Optional additions are cream of tartar or lemon juice, I'll get to that in a moment.

The easiest way to separate your egg whites is to crack the egg into your hand, and let the whites fall into the bowl through your fingers. This technique makes it so much easier and cleaner to do it that way than cracking the egg and shuttling the yolk back and forth until as much of the whites as possible are gone: this way you get almost all of the whites into the bowl, you run less of a chance of puncturing the yolk and getting any yolk into your whites, and any bits of broken egg shell stay on your hand, and not in your whites. In order to get the whites to room temperature, you can either put the eggs into a bowl of warm water before cracking them (dry them off before cracking so that water doesn't get into your whites), or once you've separated them, put a bowl of warm water under the bowl that holds your egg whites and let them sit for a few minutes.

Then just turn on your beater and start whipping. Start the beater at a relatively low speed, and then turn it up when they start frothing. At that point, you can add a tiny bit of that cream of tartar or lemon juice (about 1/8 of a teaspoon per egg white) because they stabilize the whites and make them fluffier, but if you don't have any, it's not a big deal. Then keep whipping until they get fluffy. Then you're done! As they start to get fluffy, it's always better to go slow and keep stopping to check, because you don't want to overwhip them (this one of the reasons why it's better to use a hand mixer than a stand mixer for this, because you don't want to walk away and forget about them, because then they'll get liquid again). See, that was easy, wasn't it? And it took only a few minutes.

So the next time you see a recipe that looks great, but you pass it by because you have to whip the egg whites, just stop, think "I can do this!", and don't be afraid of egg whites.

A few other handy links about beating egg whites:
Beating Egg Whites Tips and Hints [About.com]
A video on beating egg whites [Epicurious.com]
Stage by stage pictures of beaten egg whites [bakingsheet]

Any egg white questions, or ideas for other "Don't be afraid of..." for cooking? Comment here, email us at stopthinkdont@gmail.com, or hit us up on Twitter.

Tuesday Quickies: Literature Edition

2010-04-06T08:20:00.003-04:00

In honor of all the lovely YA readers/writers who enjoyed Brownie's celebration of YA Lit, this week's link-o-rama is for word-lovers everywhere.

Don't quit your day job:
Day jobs of famous authors (Lapham's Quarterly)

This whole interview is a Don't. Let's call it 'Don't be Nicholas Sparks:'
Nicholas Sparks, Miley Cyrus share a 'Last Song' love story (USA Today)

Don't feel the need to pretend you're reading Ulysses. Nobody actually likes that book:
Classic book titles book jackets (Book City Jackets)

Don't forget to put your tattoo somewhere that isn't going to sag:
Contrariwise: Literary tattoos

Don't quit after your first draft:
First Drafts (Surviving the World)

Don't miss Margaret Atwood's thoughts on Twitter:
Atwood in the Twittersphere (NY Books)

Don't worry about children loving the macabre:
Fairy tales or Twilight, horror and macabre fascinate children (Telegraph)

Don't forget how awesome fairy tale illustrations are too:
Red Fairy Book illustrations (Himmapaan)

Don't get eyestrain reading all of these awesome books:
Download 700+ free scifi books onto your iPhone (io9)

Don't fall for fashionspeak:
Fashion nonsense (Boston Globe)

Don't Be A Bad Neighbor

2010-04-05T06:00:00.000-04:00

My husband and I bought a house about a year ago, after many years of living in dorms, apartments and giant houses with tons of roommates. We were psyched to stop sharing walls and floors and ceilings with strangers, and figured that moving out of downtown would solve all our problems. Sounds great, right? Well, reality ended up being a little different. And after living through yet another week of the same old crap, I am here to boss you around some more and to remind you please, Don't Be a Bad Neighbor.

Common sense, right? Don't have karaoke parties on a Wednesday night, and you're golden. Except it apparently takes a bit more than just straight common sense. For instance, in our last apartment, we had upstairs neighbors who didn't take their shoes off when they got home. I'm not one to judge someone's footwear choices (okay, yes I am), especially in their own home, but this particular choice meant that we had to listen to them clomp around for hours at a time. And they were night owls.

(That's leaving aside the night there was a threesome in the bedroom directly above ours. Lucky for them, we found it pretty humorous. Also lucky for them, it was relatively early on a weekend evening.)

These girls, who were directly out of college and enjoying being single girls in their twenties, also actually did some really nice things. I mean, they quieted down their Ugly Sweater Christmas Party when we asked them to. And they had an election night party that they invited everyone in the building to, which meant that we got to drink Jack Daniels with our 70something-year-old neighbor and hear all about his first marriage and his divorce anniversary. So that didn't suck, and made it easier - slightly - to overlook the constant 4-inch-heel parade over our heads.

And what about the neighbors in our first apartment together? Sure, Neighbor Tony, who was directly next door, was amazing and we're still friends with him. But what about the people who let their dogs pee (and worse) in the hallway instead of taking them all the way downstairs and outside? Or the ones who took my clothes out of the dryer and left them, damp, on top? I mean, it is not rocket science! If you're going to park someone in for the whole week, it's polite to leave an extra car key with your roommate or the landlord. If you're going to set your alarm, make sure you turn it off before leaving for the weekend. If you have a giant motorcycle, don't sit in your front yard and rev the engine for a full five minutes before you pull away (SERIOUSLY HE IS DOING THIS RIGHT NOW AND IT IS TEN PM WTF).

And if you live next door to someone with ears, PLEASE keep your four little yappy dogs fenced in, instead of letting them roam the neighborhood, barking at the heels of people just trying to mind their own business and causing bike crashes. Otherwise, you're going to turn Dog People like my husband into the kind of guy who buys the Dog Dazer II and wishes for fatal dog/car collisions.

As I mentioned, we've had one neighbor in particular who was wonderful. Neighbor Tony was everything you could want in an apartment neighbor - there to pick up your paper when you're on vacation, to get in touch with the landlord when you're locked out and don't have your phone, to trade books and talk movies with, but who doesn't expect an invite to every party you throw and isn't overly interested in the details of your life. The man could write a book about the ins and outs of being an awesome neighbor and, frankly, he probably should. (Hint: It does not involve leaving passive-aggressive notes.) Millions of apartment dwellers and homeowners would thank him. So the next time you think about turning the music up an extra few notches or busting out Dance Dance Revolution in your second floor apartment, just stop, think about the sanity of the people below you (or above you or on the other side of the wall), and don't.

Don't Overshare on the Internets

2010-04-02T06:10:00.001-04:00

Do you remember when you discovered the internet? And all the horrors and glories - and porn - it holds? I, being the band geek that we have established that I am, spent much of junior high and early high school emailing back and forth with a girl who had a website about the flute - pieces she was studying, programs she was performing, etc. I got lots of great music recommendations from her, got her advice on the new flute I convinced my parents to buy me, and still wonder what she's up to.

These were also the days of AOL chatrooms (remember "a/s/l"? - that's, like, the great-grandparent of Chat Roulette), wherein I could indulge my propensity for nosiness and compulsive lying, curing me of the latter and only encouraging the former. However, I also remember clearly the day I realized that the internet could bring people together and also disseminate information at lightning speed. I was a senior in high school, skipping class and chatting online in the library, when someone mentioned they'd seen something about a school shooting on TV. This was before news sites had instant updates (or, more likely, before I knew about the news sites' instant updates), so I got all the information from all the other people in the chat room with me, then went home, turned on the news, and saw the images from Columbine.

Eventually, during my sophomore year in college, I ended up getting sucked into the narcissistic world of LiveJournal and life hasn't been the same since. I can't remember if LJ came before or after my forays into online fandom and television message boards - who knew that Buffy the Vampire Slayer could bring so very many people together? - but I do know that I made some of the best friends I've ever had through that awesome network of tubes and wires.

What I didn't do? Fill my LJ with the TMI of the drunken and slutty college life that I was living, or post inappropriate pictures on Facebook. (Because, kids, this was before Facebook. Can you even imagine such a dark time?) And ten years later, I say OH THANK GOD. Those pictures are tucked safely away in unmarked photo albums on the top shelves of closets where they belong, ready to be destroyed the moment my children grow into their snoop phase. And the memories? In my brain and the brains of friends from college, but through an Icehouse-soaked haze. NOT preserved for posterity through the magic of Google cache.

Here's what I also have not done: Picked fights with my partner online. Written about my constipation to introduce myself as the new editor of a pop culture blog (and followed it up with a post about farts). Posted pictures of my placenta on Facebook (I am not linking you to specifics. You are welcome). I also have not made very very creepy fanart (sorry about that), shown off my terrible tattoos, or stalked celebrities and then Tweeted about it (she was SHOCKED that anyone would think that was inappropriate).

I know the allure of internet anonymity can be tempting. And if you want to write Baby-Sitter's Club fanfic (that one's a classic) or about your adventures as a Vegas escort (NSFW), the internet is a great place to do it. But if you're blogging less anonymously or posting on Facebook, please oh please keep your TMI to yourself. Not just for your own sake - we don't have to tell you all about employers who Google, right? - but for all the rest of us, too. Because we don't care about your kids' diapers, your awesome new vibrator or dear GOD your hemorrhoids. (Minor bonus points for the anonymity on that one, though.)

So the next time you're thinking about Tweeting the details of your GI distress or writing a bitchy (or, worse, lusty) comment on your partner's Facebook wall? Just stop, think about the rest of the internets who have no interest in needing to run out and bleach our brains, and don't share more than you need to.

Don't Forget It's April Fools'

2010-04-01T09:57:00.010-04:00

Whether you love it or hate it, April Fools is here. We'll be updating this entry throughout the day with the best/worst hoaxes we find, plus anything that sounds like a hoax but isn't. (Remember: Google announced gmail on 4/1 and everyone thought they were joking. Email with unlimited storage? Psssh. That's crazy talk.)

Jokes

As much as we would love Tribles & Bits cereal, Think Geek is just messing with us. (More joke products at the bottom of that page, including a Screaming Knife and Canned Unicorn Meat.)

Google is now known as Topeka (We can't believe Topeka, KS really changed its name to "Google" for a month. That's like that girl in middle school who insists everyone call her "Serena" even though her name is Sarah.)

YouTube introduces Textp, a text-only viewing experience

Witty, romance novel review sites Smart Bitches Trashy Books and Dear Author have decided to make some cash by selling their reviews on Etsy instead of just giving them away for free.

If you subscribe to Thrillist, don't worry: there is no such thing as MeetingRoulette or a restaurant serving peppercorn-encrusted elephant tenderloin.

Mom-guilt gone wild: Stay-at-home mom arrested for using bouillon cube.

Large Hadron Collider humor! LHC opens portal to another dimension. Meanwhile, a Man arrested at the LHC claims he's from the future. (In case you're wondering.)

Aw, it's a baby skeksis!

This is fake: Physicists assemble world's smallest snowman. This is real: Scientists create world's tiniest starship Enterprise.

Oh god, how I wish this one was real: Prankster tortures New York with elaborate In-n-Out hoax.

World of Warcraft Insider has gone through a few permutations today, including Twilight Insider and Gaga Insider.

io9 wraps up the best geek-related pranks on the web.

Oh, AfterElton, it's mean to tease: Kirk kisses Spock in Upcoming "Star Trek" movie

We actually had to read this one to make sure it was a joke. That says nothing good about Mickey D's: McDonald's scraps composting program because food won't decompose

Not A Joke
Census Bureau receiving forms with Star Trek races written in

Don't be ashamed to read young adult fiction

2010-03-31T13:40:00.007-04:00

The other day one of my friends said how much she loved her Kindle, because "I can read a YA book without getting strange looks from others." The book that she was talking about? When You Reach Me, a fantastic new book that won this year's Newbery Medal for Children's Literature" (a book that makes a number of references to the above beloved book). I hate that people are ashamed of reading beautifully written, delightful, award winning books just because they come from the young adult section of the bookstore. I blame people like Malcolm Gladwell -- though he's a great writer, and I've liked all of his books, the man has some seriously, I'm sorry, there's no other word for it, FUCKED UP ideas of what young adult fiction is.* According to him, it's fine to plagarize it, because:

This is teen-literature. It's genre fiction. These are novels based on novels based on novels, in which every convention of character and plot has been trotted out a thousand times before.

This is a crazy insult to all young adult literature (and really, all genre fiction, why is calling it "genre fiction" a pejorative anyway?), but it's just one of the many insults that regularly gets thrown at young adult fiction. It's all stupid like Twilight; famous starlets and reality stars dabble in it because it's so easy to write; it's just a bunch of stupid books about girls and their problems, etc. All of this is bullshit, because young adult fiction is awesome -- so don't be ashamed to read it, and don't talk shit about it (or people who read it) either.

*I know, this is from a blog post from four years ago, but it still pisses me off.

I'm not going to waste time tearing down all of those ridiculous stereotypes, because they're ridiculous. Catcher in the Rye, one of the most famous and most read American novels, is young adult literature. So instead, let's talk about all of the ways that YA fiction is awesome, both for teens and adults.

There are lots of adults who read YA literature, as shown by this recent LA Times story, and this blog post from the Good Reads blog. All of these adults are reading these books because they have thoughtful engaging stories, and they give you a lot to think about and talk about. I started talking to a girl at a Christmas party this year that I didn't know that well, and it turned out that we both read a lot of YA, and that was enough to start us into a 20 minute long conversation about books that we had both read and loved, and books that we insisted that the other person should read, and ended with her insisting that we meet up a few weeks later so that she could give me a bunch of books that she knew that I would love.

Calling young adult literature genre fiction doesn't quite work, because there are so many genres and styles of literature within it. Do you want intense post-apocalyptic lit? Read The Hunger Games or How I Live Now. Do you like fun books about feminist teens coming of age? Then read The Disreputable History of Frankie Landau-Banks or just about any book by Meg Cabot. Do you want a scary book about boys on a road trip? Read In the Path of Falling Objects by this guy (who has such a scary voice that he freaked a bunch of us out at a simple book reading a few months ago). Do you like fun historical epistolary novels? Then read Sorcery and Cecelia. Do you like books like Special Topics in Calamity Physics and The Secret History? Read Jellicoe Road. Do you like books with unreliable narrators or about crime? Then read Monster. Do you want books about gay teens? Then read Boy Meets Boy or Empress of the World. Do you want to get into the mind of a girl who has been raped, or a girl with an eating disorder who is desperately trying to hide it from everyone? Then read Speak or Wintergirls by Laurie Halse Anderson. Do you want great books about music or drama? Then read any of these or these books. Do you want...I could go on forever here, but you get the picture.

In addition, so many young adult authors are awesome in and of themselves. There is Meg Cabot, who is the goddess of young adult literature, proudly proclaims herself to be a feminist, and has a fantastic blog. There's Sherman Alexie, who wrote the amazing and critically lauded Absolutely True Diary of a Part Time Indian and just won the PEN/Faulkner Award. Sara Zarr, author of three incredible, thought provoking books, has a (not surprisingly) incredible and thought provoking blog, where she talks about writing, religion, music, body image, and lots more. Sarah Dessen writes books about girls and their families and lots more, and writes in her blog about parenting, pop culture, her love for Good Morning America and everything else. And there are a number of critically acclaimed writers who have written some young adult books with great results, like Joyce Carol Oates who wrote the intense Big Mouth and Ugly Girl.

Hey look, when the Wall Street Journal of all places, recommends young adult literature for adults, then it's really gone mainstream for adults. So the next time you feel like hiding that book that you're reading just because it has a teenager on the outside, just stop, think about how much you're loving reading that book, and how someone else who loved it too will smile when she sees you reading it, and don't do it.

Tuesday Quickies: Design Edition

2010-03-30T09:02:00.001-04:00

Welcome to Don't Do That's weekly links round up, guaranteed to brighten even the dreariest, most waterlogged Tuesday. (Hang in there, New Englanders!)

We've got a massive backlog of good stuff to share with you, so follow us on Twitter for more links and cranky bon mots.

Don't dress like Donna Martin:
90210 Window Display (Sandra Juto)

Don't spend a month's rent on ugly shoes:
Balenciaga Shoes (Tom & Lorenzo)

Don't dress your doggie like Lady Gaga (unless it's for art):
The Doggie Gaga Project (Jesse Freidin)

Don't call Lady Gaga a bad influence:
Lady Gaga Inspires Award-Winning Teen (Boston Globe)

Don't wear these around small children:
Using Barbie Parts As Jewelry (This Blog Rules)

Don't eat the klonopin jewelry:
Klonopin Jewelry is the Best Jewelry (The Gloss)

Don't do mom-guilt, says Project Runway's Laura Bennett (we agree!):
Laura Bennett Cuts Her Own Hair (BlogHer)

Don't make major repairs with Lego bricks (but minor ones are adorable):
Lego Street Art (Dispatchwork)

Don't eat the candy chandelier:
The "Candelier" (Jellio)

Don't blaspheme in these churches-turned-homes. We're still worried about lightning bolts:
Converted Churches (Casa Sugar)

Don't Be "Edgy"

2010-03-29T11:02:00.002-04:00

I was originally going to call this post "Don't Be Amanda Palmer," because her recent actions are a primer in How Not To Be, but then I remembered that I actually used to like Amanda Palmer. I enjoyed her old band, the Dresden Dolls. They put on a phenomenal live show, and they're from Boston, which counts for bonus points with me since I'm a big supporter of local music. And I thought she was right on telling her record company to suck it when they objected to the sight of her perfectly normal belly in a video.

But she started to lose me at this year's Golden Globes, where she decided it would be all sorts of daring to show up mostly naked (see above). I don't know. If red carpet nudity is really that punk rock, I guess JLo and Rose McGowen (NSFW) are countercultural icons, right? But whatever, I'm all for people wearing whatever makes them feel good, even though I do think the phrase "showing your ass" should only ever apply in a metaphorical sense.

Unfortunately, a few weeks later she decided to do just that when controversy erupted over her current project, a band called Evelyn Evelyn. Palmer and fellow musician Jason Webley created a fictional duo with a totally "edgy" background: circus-performing, child-porn-surviving conjoined twins who go by the same first name, finish each other's sentences, and are too shy/awkward to promote their music. Palmer and Webley perform as Evelyn Evelyn in a special outfit that makes them look conjoined. So, to summarize: they're portraying disabled characters as unable to speak for themselves and using the characters' disability as an excuse to dress up in a wacky outfits. This, perhaps unsurprisingly, caused a bit of an uproar.

The project itself isn't what made me unfollow Palmer's Twitter though. It was her response to the criticism that was really ugly. You can read it here, but it can be summarized as: a) All my friends thought it was a good idea and b) It's ART. Art should be offensive!

Well, yes, art can be offensive. That doesn't make it any good though. There's plenty of bad, offensive art out there. You can't just say, hey, people are offended, it must be good art! You need to give your audience--and your detractors--reasons for the offense. Otherwise the project is going to look poorly thought out and lazy at best and discriminatory at worst.

Okay, I could write about a thousand more words about that, but sadly, that's not the most bothersome thing Amanda Palmer has done recently. In the middle of a Twitter conversation taking Lady Gaga to task for too much product placement in the Telephone video, Palmer tweeted this:

[@joanarkham ironic product placement is only okay if you take no money & beyond that give all the income to something ironic. like the Klan.]

Holy fuckballs! On what planet is that comment even in the same timezone as okay? The KLAN? As IRONIC? Definitions of irony:

i·ro·ny

1. the use of words to convey a meaning that is the opposite of its literal meaning: the irony of her reply, “How nice!” when I said I had to work all weekend.
2. Literature.
a. a technique of indicating, as through character or plot development, an intention or attitude opposite to that which is actually or ostensibly stated.
b. (esp. in contemporary writing) a manner of organizing a work so as to give full expression to contradictory or complementary impulses, attitudes, etc., esp. as a means of indicating detachment from a subject, theme, or emotion.
...
5. an outcome of events contrary to what was, or might have been, expected.
6. the incongruity of this.
7. an objectively sardonic style of speech or writing.
8. an objectively or humorously sardonic utterance, disposition, quality, etc.

Yeah, I don't see how "financially supporting a group that supports terrorism, brutality, and murder as an appropriate response to using a song to sell Diet Coke" falls under any of those definitions. And I'm not the only one who isn't quite sure how the KKK counts as ironic. (Warning: graphic images of Klan evil that Amanda Palmer should have fucking considered before she hit "Tweet.")

Let's be blunt here: Palmer's comment was both stunningly ignorant and a perfect example of hipster racism. I cannot imagine why else Plamer would think it was okay to joke about supporting the fucking Klan. Is this because Obama is president? Newsflash, people: being able to point to an African-American president does not allow you to say racist shit! "I voted for the black guy" does not equal "now I can joke about the Klan!" That is not what "post-racial" means, assholes.

Look, sorry I'm speaking so crudely, but I can't believe I have to explain this. And you know the worst part? Amanda Palmer has 400,000 Twitter followers who apparently think using a bunch of murderous bastards as the punchline to a shitty, cynical joke is totally okay. To those people I say: I don't care how awesome her music is, or how liberated and independent you think she is. Amanda Palmer is not speaking truth to power. She's stomping on the already downtrodden and calling it humor. No justification for art or honesty is ever going to make that okay.

Don't Brag About Not Owning a Television

2010-03-26T12:39:00.000-04:00

We've already talked about people who diss reality TV or freak out about children and television, but today we're taking on an even more annoying group: people who think that not owning a television makes them morally superior.

I once spent two weeks without a television. The plan was actually to go without for the entire summer, since my best friend and I were in a temporary apartment and didn't want to have to move a tv after three months. But after about ten days of reading so much I got stress headaches and staring at my roommate having completely run out of things to talk about, we broke down and bought a little tv with rabbit ears. Mostly we watched Red Sox games and Buffy the Vampire Slayer, but I remain convinced that that crappy tv saved my sanity and our friendship. Seriously, Shannon, I love you, but if I had to hear the story about how you wanted to be a grizzly bear when you grew up one more time...

Anyway. I don't care if you don't own a tv. I don't have a driver's license, which makes me a little unusual among modern adults, but you don't see me going around talking about how not driving makes me an awesome person. I suppose I could look up how much I'm helping to curb climate change by not driving and use those stats at cocktail parties to pontificate upon my contributions to saving the earth, but the truth is that I'm just a lazy-ass who hates to drive. And also, neither of those reasons are all that interesting. So I usually just say, "I don't drive," in the most neutral tone possible and leave it at that.

I imagine there are people who don't own TVs who manage it without being all Judgey McJudgerson, but unfortunately I haven't met any of them (or maybe I have and they just haven't mentioned it). I always get the ones who manage to make "I don't own a television" sound like "I don't drink industrial waste" or "I don't poke babies with sticks." Look, I hate to break this to all the TV-shunners out there, but not having a television does not make you a better person than me. Unless you are spending the time you would have spent watching TV feeding the homeless or reading Proust, you're killing time just like all the rest of us, only without a moving picture box.

Blah, blah, TV rots your brain, etc. Well, yeah, but so does that Jackie Collins novel, and I doubt knitting that sweater is really expanding your horizons all that much. And TV can actually be educational, too! Here is a list of things I have learned from television: what the Kuiper Belt is (Nova), why Meissen porcelain is special (Antiques Roadshow), and the capital of Burkina Faso (The Amazing Race). And as for using your non-TV time to create: What, y'all can't multitask? I made this while watching short-track speedskating.

There's also the argument that you can use your non-TV time to go outside. Yeah, well, I don't know where you live, but in New England? Outside sucks. In fact, in Boston it is currently raining and snowing at the same time. I would rather gnaw my own arm off than go outside right now.

Then there's the biggie: "I use the extra time to connect with people." Like because I own a television I'm incapable of maintaining relationships. I had lunch yesterday with someone I've known for 14 years, I'm spending the weekend with my in-laws, and I've talked to my sister three times this week. Also? I really resent the implication that because there is a television in my house of course I spend every waking moment in front of it to the detriment of all other aspects of my life. Way to subtly call me a slack-jawed cretin there, non-TV-owner.

I realize that there are many people out there who do watch television to the detriment of the rest of their lives, but the assumption that simply owning a television automatically puts you in that group is both idiotic and insulting. Television, for me, isn't so much the opiate of the masses as it is a hobby I use to--wait for it--connect with people. My husband and I spend long car rides talking about character development on our favorite shows. I laugh with friends about ridiculous reality show contestants. Heck, I got to know my best friend in the first place when we bonded over our love of The X-Files.

So if you don't own a television and are tempted to use this fact to pass judgement on others? Don't. And if you have judgement passed upon you? Don't get mad; get snarky.

Don't fight with your partner around your friends

2010-03-24T12:39:00.001-04:00

This article in the New York Times last week was about a very annoying couple who fight on Facebook so that their friends can get involved and "can kind of comment on" their disputes. Thank God, I don't know this couple, and I really have no idea how they still have friends, but way too many times I've had that awkward moment around a couple where they're having a fight, and I'm just trying to find a way to hide in the playroom with their kid. So people, please, don't fight with your partner around your friends.

Look, I'm not talking about friendly bickering about whose turn it is to change the baby's dipaer or about where we should all go out for dinner tonight, I'm talking about those conversations that clearly have that "I'm pissed" edge to them. Where most of the time what you say is pretending to be friendly, but you both have that undercurrent of anger, and then start saying things that I don't really understand, but have a second meaning. And then, of course, there are those actual fights where someone might start yelling, or slamming doors. If you need to do that, and you know, sometimes we all do, for goodness sake do it in private, or at least just with your children around (you'll pay for their therapy). But if your friends are around, we start to feel like we're in the middle of an old episode of Jon and Kate Plus Eight, before Jon became as big of a douche as he is now, and before Kate got new extensions and white teeth and started attempting to dance on national television.

Those kinds of situations are totally awkward and difficult for your friends, I'm telling you this right now. None of us want to get in the middle, and the worst possible scenario is for one of you to turn to me and say "Brownie, you agree with me, right?" Please please, don't ever do that. Because whether I agree with you or not, I am SO not going to volunteer my opinion at that point, and just get one of you even madder, and mad at ME to boot. And honestly, at that point, I've probably just started chanting my mantra in my head so that I can't hear any of the conversation anymore, so I would have no idea what I am agreeing to.

The thing is, if your friends are hanging out with the two of you together, it's often because they are either still getting to know one member of the couple, or it's because they genuinely like you as a couple, and they like being around both of you. In either situation, being in the middle of a couple fight is the worst. For the former, it gives your friends a bad opinion of your new girlfriend or boyfriend, or just a bad opinion of the way that the two of you interact, and that will just make any future outings even more uncomfortable. And for the latter, it's like watching Mom and Dad fight, and no one likes to do that, okay? Yes, maybe it's clear that I'm the child of divorced parents, but reliving those moments of childhood is not a good way to spend a Saturday night out with friends.

And really, we just do not care if you opened that bottle of wine that he'd been saving (unless we get to drink some of it), or if he's going to play golf instead of going on a bike ride with your kid, or if she farted in the middle of the night and woke you up. And really, we just do not want to know! We know that some of this has to do with someone's irritation about your sex life, or who works too much or not enough, or some fight about money that you had, but that is so none of our business.

And I'm not asking you to be fake, or super polite to each other all the time. One of my friends and her husband bicker at a low level all the time, but there's no animosity there, and it's just the way their relationship has always been, so I just find it entertaining and not awkward at all. And seriously, if you're a new parent, all bets are off, because we all know that neither of you have been sleeping and you're both hungry and stressed and overwhelmed on top of the sleep deprivation, so if you need to fight, do it, and I'll just go into the kitchen and make you a pie. But those are special exceptions.

So the next time you are having a dinner party and your wife breaks a glass and you want to make a snarky remark about how maybe she feels like she can break things all of the time but you know how much they cost, and then your wife says that well, since she makes more money than you, she can afford to buy some damn new wineglasses sometimes, please just stop, think about how all of your dinner guests would immediately want to hide under the table, and don't do it.

Don't Be Afraid To Compliment A Stranger

2010-03-22T09:00:00.000-04:00

(Image of Purdue's Compliment Guys.)

A couple of weeks ago, I went into Starbucks after spending the morning in court (for work) before going to the office. Court had been frustrating, it was cold and windy outside, and I was feeling especially blah. However, I was wearing my very awesome Proenza Schouler for Target coat from a couple of years ago, which almost always lifts my spirits a little bit, and had on an equally fun H&M scarf. When the barista asked me my name to put on my coffee, he hollered it to his coworkers, then turned to me and said, "Roxy! You look fantastic! That coat and the scarf look great with your coloring, and especially your hair." As windblown and chilled as I was, and as little as I was looking forward to the next eight hours, his comment - genuine and not a come-on - absolutely made my day.

It can sometimes be difficult to know how to take a compliment. They can feel backhanded or like they come with an ulterior motive. You can feel like you've fished for it or like it's rooted in guilt. But when it comes from a stranger? It almost always is void of all that history or subtext, and is just a truly genuine piece of positive feedback.

Yes, there are compliments from strangers that are less welcome. If you're hollering out your car window at me, I'm more likely to throw a rude gesture your way than I am to smile and say thanks. (Sidebar: Has that EVER gotten anyone a date? Why are guys still attempting that "Hey Baby Hey Baby!" nonsense? "Nice tits," while true, is not exactly tops on our list of things to hear from some random dude.) And if I hear "Smile! You're so pretty!" one more time, I might just lose it once and for all.

But if someone says they love my jeans? I'll happily have a five minute conversation about my favorite brand (Joe's), my favorite place to find them (eBay or various consignment shops in town), and walk away feeling miles better. Brownie had a similar experience recently, when she was having a great hair day and had that validated by someone she had never met. And Daisy has one of my favorite stories, involving a cool t-shirt, Trader Joe's, and a guy saying, "Oh, stay right there! I want to show my wife your shirt! It's great!"

While we've explained in plain terms how not to be an asshole in public, we also think it's important to be actively nice to people. So many of us are wandering around in our own little worlds, plugged into our iPods and smartphones, and I'm just as guilty of that as anyone. But that doesn't mean its good. Sure, it keeps you from having to have conversations with the crazy person next to you on the bus, but it can also keep you from connecting. And it keeps other people from sharing how cute they think your shoes are or lending you their extra umbrella on a rainy day or just generally making you feel good. And while it can be scary to talk to strangers, it can also mean more to them than you realize. So the next time you see someone with great earrings or the perfect haircut or just a generally sunny and delightful disposition, but you're hesitant to share your thoughts with them? Just stop, think about how nice it is when someone says something nice to you, and don't be afraid to compliment a stranger.

Don't Blame Yourself For a Bad Date

2010-03-19T12:53:00.000-04:00

I am a bad date expert. I didn't date much in college, so when I graduated and became a single girl in the city, I vowed to go on any date that presented itself to me. And I did. And it was ridiculous.

There was the guy who told me he could only be with someone who was okay with the fact that he occasionally didn't contact anyone for weeks at a time, the guy who insisted on driving and then got us lost, the guy who turned out to have a daughter my age (I didn't think he was that old; he didn't think I was that young.), the guy whose favorite movie was Notting Hill (Okay, that one was my fault. I thought he was joking and laughed at him. Oops.), and the guy who thought The Rainforest Cafe was a romantic dinner spot. My favorite, though, was the date that went fine, with the guy asking me out again at the end, then emailing me two days later to say he'd thought about it some more and decided we shouldn't get together again. I would still like to find that guy and punch him.

I also went on a bunch of dates with perfectly nice men who were clearly bored by me and whom I thought were dull as dishwater. I would get home from those dates and wonder what the heck was wrong with me that I had gone out with half the city of Boston and couldn't find one guy who was interested or interesting. At first I thought I must be a defective dater. I worried that I was doomed to lose out on the love of my life because of my inability get beyond stilted small talk about my crappy job and the Red Sox.

But around the middle of my mediocre date odyssey, I noticed something. Quite often, the guys across the table from me had a restless look in their eyes that mirrored my feelings of constant, low-grade dating panic. I realized that they were probably sitting there with an internal monologue that was the guy version of my inner voice, sounding something like this: She seems nice. But not great. But there's nothing wrong with her. But we're not really hitting it off. Man, this date is boring. She's boring. Or maybe I'm boring? Am I boring? Why doesn't she like me? Wait, I don't like her. But there's nothing wrong with her. This is not a good date. None of my dates are good dates. I'm going to die alone. (You might think men don't worry about dying alone. This is not true. It was a serious fear for a few of my guy friends, especially when we were in our early 20s and they subsisted entirely on frozen pizzas. They worried that all the cheap cheese was going to shorten their lifespans to the point where they wouldn't have time to date and marry anyone before the inevitable heart attack.)

The fact of the matter is, unless you do something ridiculous like get drunk and belligerent or say something insulting, bad dates are not your fault. You could be the most charming, witty, fascinating person on earth, and the person across from you could be well-read, intelligent, and committed to saving the whales, but if your interests and personalities don't complement each other in just the right way, sparks aren't going to fly. It has absolutely nothing to do with you or with your date for that matter. If getting along with someone nice and decent-looking was all it took to make a relationship work, I'd be married to the kid I took to my freshman formal.

Instead I dated and dated until I went out with a guy who started talking my ear off thirty seconds after we met. Yet instead of going dull dull dull my inner voice supplied, what a weirdo. And you know what? Thank god I had been on enough crappy dates to realize that what a weirdo was a good reaction. I was intrigued instead of bored! I realized that there was no way I was going to be able to plumb the depths of this man's oddness over two hours worth of small talk, and I was delighted by this fact.

Seven years later, I still think he's a weirdo. But he's my weirdo. And he's got even more bad date stories than I do. (A girl once bit him. And not in the fun way.) So despite how it might feel while you're poking at your pad thai and listening to a nice guy tell you about a hobby in which you have zero interest, sometimes all the bad dates are worth it for just one good one.

Don't tell me to calm down

2010-03-18T14:17:00.002-04:00

As anyone who knows me will tell you, I am a naturally exuberant person. When I get excited, I get EXCITED. Twice in grad school when good friends of mine got great jobs, I started shrieking and jumping up and down with them in public, making everyone around us turn and stare, and you know, those memories make me smile. When I talk about something that I care about a lot, whether it's politics, or the most recent episode of Project Runway, or how ugly these shoes are, I get animated. So please, do not tell me to calm down.

What is the fun of life if you are all muted and low key about everything? Why do people love Gus Johnson's sports calls so much? Because he doesn't try to play it cool and pretend that he's not thrilled, he lets it all out. What's more enjoyable: telling a friend that you're pregnant, and having her give you a big yay and a hug, or having her say "Oh, isn't that nice?" ? I think that you know the answer to that. If you're having an intense discussion about politics or reality TV or Brett Favre, it is fine to punctuate your statements with a slightly raised voice, as long as you aren't actually yelling or calling someone a fascist. Telling me to calm down just implies that I'm getting excited about nothing, and that's just condescending and a buzz kill.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not that person who goes around shouting in a library, or even in a Starbucks. Attention whores irritate me as much as anyone else, and I glare daggers at those people carrying on loud cell phone conversations on public transportation. See, I know that my voice is naturally too loud for any conversations like that other than "I'll be there in five minutes, okay bye!" Isn't that why texting was invented? And if I ever am disturbing anyone in a place where quiet should reign, I am happy to leave or quiet down.

But if I am laughing really hard at a comedy show, or chattering delightedly in a park, or yelling "RUN, RUN, RUN" at a sporting event (or, to be fair, at my television while a sporting event is on), there is no reason for me to calm down. Dancing when you make a mid field tackle is annoying, but you know what? Dancing when you score a touchdown is just fine. Sure, sometimes it's good to act like you've been there before, but it's also fun to show that it matters to you that you got there in the first place. If I want to be excited, if I want to be pissed, if I want to cry from laughter, then I will. If someone thinks that I'm making a big deal out of nothing, then they can go on and think that. But don't ruin the moment for me, and make yourself sound like a superior ass, and tell me to calm down.

So the next time that your friend is ranting about college hockey, or the Supreme Court's campaign finance decision, or last night's America's Next Top Model, and you want to tell them to calm down, just stop, think about the last time you got enthused about something and how fun it was, and don't do it.